Archive for July, 2007

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New Cast of Laguna Beach, originally uploaded by MaggieMason.

This is a photo of the new cast of Laguna Beach, which is now called Newport Harbor. If you’re unfamiliar with the show, it’s MTV’s “reality” high-school […]

Let’s say you’ve had a particular Yahoo email address since college. You use it to order products, give it to new people you meet, keep in touch with old friends. Now say it randomly stopped forwarding to your daily inbox about two years ago. And you? Failed. To. Notice.
You randomly log in to find thousands […]

Me: You used my toothbrush.
Him: I did?
Me: Yes, you’ve done it three times this week.
Him: Oh.
Me: Mine is the blue one. Yours is the green one.
Him: Eh, it’s not like we’ve never made out. Same diff.
Me: Ugh! Uggggh. I’m not into finding my toothbrush mysteriously wet. Also, you don’t rinse off all the toothpaste and […]

Reader tip! Don’t wrap an evening of drinking by spiking your champagne with Limoncello.
Buuuuuut, as long as 32-percent alcohol is coursing through your veins, you may as well send a few dozen text messages. You can send them all to different people by simply thinking of a new person you’d like to talk to. […]

Excellent dialogue from my friend’s four-year-old daughter, Isabel:
When playing with a toy harmonica, elbows akimbo–
“All right everybody! Let’s hear one for the briiiide!”
When coaxing the dog to chase you–
“C’mon, doggie! Chase me! C’mon doggie! You wanna piece of me, doggie? You wanna piece of me?!”
When encouraging the dog to obtain a cookie traped inside […]

On my wedding day, I was blindsided by jitters. After my flower girl freaked about all those strangers watching her, I realized they’d be watching me too. Monitoring me, really. Attentive to my every motion, examining each fleeting facial expression, taking bets on whether I’d fall on my face and tangle myself in a profusion […]

We arrived in Vegas fresh, hydrated, and well stocked with penis-shaped party supplies and outfits too slutty to wear at home. The Las Vegas airport greeted us with an enormous banner featuring Carrot Top in pancake makeup, surrounded by women in bikinis. The text read, “Carrot Top Fantasy.” I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that prhase […]

Me: Yow. It may be time to trim those toenails.
Bryan: No! They’re the source of my power.

Salad Bar Guy says, “That’s, like, the perfect salad! Yum.” Suddenly, I feel extra-great about the salad I’m building. This is an effing delicious salad I’m about to consume! I’m Nobel laureate of the $5 lunch.