2.28.01

Top Three Names for Your New Band:

• Leather Insert
• Squeal
• Blind My Lion

3:19 p.m.

I saved a fantastic New Yorker cartoon years ago. It’s a drawing of two skater kids leaning on a telephone pole. The top caption reads, “Waiting for Godot, Summer of ‘96.”

Skater 1: Well… Shall we go do some kick flips?

Skater 2: Yes, let’s go.

Bottom caption: They do not move.

11:28 a.m.

2.27.01

EMAIL MOMENT!

From: A friend at work.

Subject: Cultural observation.

Between you and me, there’s something about the British that gets under my skin. There’s an underlying “I’m more clever than you” in almost every dealing you have with them. The arrogance rivals that of the Germans, who are at least above board about it. –”Yes, ve are superior, why does zis surprise you?”

4:21 p.m.

When I got to work yesterday, my cube door was blocked off and the cube was brimming with balloons. Apparently, my coworkers have healthy lungs, and some time on their hands. Man, you’ve gotta try this. It’s just like one of those ball pits at McDonalds, except I don’t have to take my shoes off or shoulder check little kids to get some respect.

2:28 p.m.

Someone typed “find my dream girl” into Google and my page popped up. (I’m currently on the second page of links, at the top.) I haven’t decided if the search request was a technologically advanced form of stichomancy or just a slightly idealistic porn hunt. I would be flattered, but then I’d have to acknowledge the fact that I’m third on the list when you type in “girl on couch sofa.”

12:52 p.m.

OK, I’m back. I can’t eat anything that smells like food, but the trip was amazing overall. As soon as Bali Belly and jet lag subside (14-hour time change) I’ll post some travel blogs.

You. Can’t. Wait.

(OK, I can’t wait, but let me indulge in a little projection now and then. How is it hurting you?)

Meanwhile, I’d like to thank Dave for his generous help posting while I was gone. I brought him the meanest monkey mask ever. It’s shedding on his carpet at this very moment. So nice.

10:09 a.m.

2.26.01

[editor's note] Thus ends my tenure as ad hoc Mighty Girl blogger. Mistress has returned, and I am all out of pre-recorded material. So, if there aren’t any new posts over the next few days, don’t blame me, blame jet-lag. In the immortal words of Bartles & Jaymes, “Thank you for your support…”

While I’m away, you should visit Metascene:

“From the Ford Focus press kit:

‘The Ford Focus and Detroit Techno music mirror each other in many ways. Techno kids are forward thinkers that scream and dance and so are Focus buyers.’

So you mean it’s like punk rock, only it’s a car?”

“Monkeys taking over government buildings in India

(Thanks Norton)

Angry monkeys stop traffic

Indian monkeys on a rampage against smokers

I am checking these events against those described in the Book of Revelation and will continue to monitor the Art Bell show regularly. Any pertinent information will be passed along as soon as possible.”

“Metascene Predicts: 2001 will be the year that bestiality makes it onto
the Springer show.”

“Hey! I just had an idea! I should write a story told from Bubbles’ point of view where the world’s most famous chimp is all jaded and cynical and can’t stand Michael anymore but where can he go? What can he do? Meanwhile, all the other animals shun him and plot against him for being Michael’s favorite and for having bedroom privledges and for those Jeff Koons sculptures, but mainly because of the whole thumb/big brain thing. And Bubbles is heavily self-medicated and even been to rehab. Twice. And was once badly betrayed by the llama. And drinks mainly to forget the pain of losing his family at a young age. And at night, he cries himself to sleep, no longer hiding his tears from MJ, the bitterest monkey tears to ever stain a satin pillowcase…”

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2.25.01

While I’m away, you should visit
Jeff Druzba.

“Microsoft Money would be useful software if it actually allowed me to access Microsoft’s money. What good is it for me to see my own accounts?”

“There are a lot of religious commercials on television recently including one for a Time Life music
compilation of Christian pop songs. Mixed with concert images of a throng of people waving their
hands in sweaty ecstasy to the heavens above, there are individual close-ups of cute girls sobbing and
holding hands.

People who are both good-looking and religiously devout scare me because if I think to myself, ‘Now
there’s a hot lil’ number,’ their god is likely to know that I thought about one of his lamb-children in an
unholy manner and will be tempted to strike me down or afflict me with some torturous condition. I
think it’s a good practice to stay on the good side of gods I don’t know. Especially Hindu gods with 6
arms who look like blue elephants.”

“Do you think that most every woman who has ever been with Meatloaf, the singer and, of late, bit part actor, has referred to her encounter, when chatting with her friends, as ‘having meatloaf?’”

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2.24.01

While I’m away, you should read McSweeny’s.

Strange and Obsessive Things I Did as a Kid in No Particular Order

Age 9:

Developed a fascination with TV Guide, specifically the
listings. Spent hours copying them onto loose-leaf
notebook paper – just the titles of shows, not
descriptions, and with the times bumped up several
hours to make it more interesting.

Age 8:

Learned how the Roman numeral system worked.
Subsequently filled a notebook by writing every Roman
numeral, in order, from I (one) to MMM (three
thousand).

Age 4:

Owned a magnetic board with a matching set of
multi-colored letters of the alphabet. Storage conditions
for the letters, dictated by me, required that they be
arranged – yes – in alphabetical order, in a perfect
5-by-5 grid, with Z being remaindered to the side
compartment. I would only retire to bed once these
storage conditions were met, for a period of some
months. During active play, I would make abstract
patterns on the board with the letters; never actual
words.

Ann Landers’ Parallel Universe

Dear Ann:

I hope you have room to print just one more of those
“how we met” stories. I was a young woman growing up
in Bombay, adventurous, strong-willed and determined
not to settle down until I had seen the world. One night
while attending a small gathering at a neighbor’s home, I
saw a stoop-shouldered, plain-looking man of about 25
standing at the side of the room holding a drink and not
talking to anyone. When I walked up and tried to start a
conversation with him, he handed me his empty drink
and motioned to the bottle of wine sitting in the corner.
As I was refilling his cup, I asked my father in a whisper
who this rude, arrogant person was. “That’s Rajiv
Sankar, the man you’re going to marry,” he replied. “It
was arranged between our families right after your birth.
You should get used to waiting on him.” Well, Ann, I’ve
been at his service for 40 years, and we’ve never been
apart-not even after I brought shame on him twice by
giving birth to baby girls.

Proposed Indian Names for Certain White People

Buys Plants For Companionship,

Comments On How Wonderful Bread Is,

Considers Soup Selects Salad,

Examines Skin For Moles,

Fixes Paper Jams,

Insists Pizza And Beer’s On Me,

Invents New Persona,

Proffers Swiss Army Knife When Inappropriate,

Prunes Roses,

Raises Voice In Anger Then Gets Sheepish,

Reconsiders Skydiving As Possible Hobby,

Recycles Same Joke With Different Friends,

Searches Flea Market For Treasure,

Thinks Of Self As Buddhist,

Wants To Hang Out,

Wears Matching Bra And Panties.

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