Famous among dozens
In line for coffee, he calls the barista’s name three times — loudly, excitedly. When she finally responds, her face is blank, her voice flat. “Hi,” she says, and turns back to her work.
Dude gets out of line, pretending to look at the café art while waiting for her to engage. Dude will be waiting for quite some time.
Two things Alice said:
1. “Did you see Match Point? The weird thing about Woody Allen is that he’s been doing the same thing his whole life, and obviously has no desire to learn anything about any other profession. So he doesn’t research what he’s writing about. It’ll be a business situation and the characters will be like, ‘Do you business? I also business! I engage at business in an extremely businesslike manner.'”
2. (Reading from a magazine cover) Does He Like You on Top?
“You turn to the article and it’s a two-page spread that just says, ‘Yes.'”
, originally uploaded by MaggieMason.
Last night, a total stranger called me “aggressive.”
When you check out Google Maps and ask for directions between San Francisco and Amsterdam, Line 29 is key.
While reviewing pregnancy journal entries from last year, I find this…
Note from the first trimester: I can taste my teeth.
Dog End Towel Holder, originally uploaded by MaggieMason.
My kitchen needs something. Something special, something … whimsical! Yes, that’s it! Where could I find something whimsical? Like, maybe a dishtowel holder that makes it look like a dog is shitting out the towel? That would be perfect.
Bryan and I come to a mutually rewarding agreement and launch an elaborate high five, which involves many variations on the handshake. Bryan ends with a finger gun, but I finish by pinning his thumb to his hand.
-I win the thumb war!
-There was no thumb war.
-That’s what you think.
-That was an undeclared thumb war.
-That’s how we roll in the U.S. of A., Son. Uh!
A dozen beautiful teenage girls walk by in their most studied casual wear. They’re bound for an afternoon of posing at the open-air market, and they laugh too loudly as they pass. “A gaggle,” I say. Bryan turns to look, “I think that’s technically a murder.”
Early Sunday afternoon, we stop by one of our favorite antique co-ops. This time, something is gravely different.
It seems, in order to promote their new karaoke venture at the town pub, two of the owners have set up an enormous karaoke machine amongst the porcelain creamers and table runners.
We halt just inside the front door to stare as they whoop their way through Aretha Franklin’s “Respect.” Then we realize that we are the only customers, and that eye contact is a serious mistake. We become absorbed in the rusty egg beaters and depression-glass juicers, but it’s too late.
“Hello!” the woman calls out. “Do you Karaoke?”
We are unsure of how to respond. We look at each other uneasily.
“Do you want to sing ‘Respect’?” she asks me.
“Me?” I say. “Oh no. No thank you.”
“Oh, why not!”
“Well… well, I suppose it’s because I’m not drunk.”
“Ahhh. Is that what it takes?”
“Yes.” I say. “That, and relative darkness.”
“Maybe a different song?”
“Maybe free coffee and a jug of Baileys would help your cause.”
“What about ‘I Got You Babe?” she asks. “You could sing it together.”
“No,” I say. “No thank you.”
“Can I get your email for our mailing list?” she asks.
We wander into the next room.
As she belts “These Boots are Made for Walkin’,” I buy a very nice illustration of a quail’s egg, and a lovely beveled mirror.
The girl at the next table is very drunk. When her tablemate heads for the restroom, she unexpectedly turns to me and my friend.
“God damn, he’s cute. You know? He’s cute right? I know! He’s married, and I’m engaged, but man. You know what I mean? Man! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my Mark, and he loves his Anne. I mean, Dan isn’t even my type. He’s all built and jacked up, and Mark is like tall and thin and fuckin’ smooooooth. You know? Fuckin’ smooth. I mean, compared to Mark, Dan is nothing to look at. I mean, he’s hot, or whatever, but not my type. I mean Mark is gorgeous, like a fuckin’ model. And Anne is so sweet, and she’s gorgeous too, like, model-gorgeous. And I love Anne, for sure, she’s incredible, I mean, so incredible. But it’s like, when me and Dan get together, it’s like… Man! I mean, I’d never do anything with him, I wouldn’t even date him, I wouldn’t even look at him normally as the type of guy I’d look at. Maybe for like two seconds. But I love my Mark, and he loves his Anne. Nothing’s gonna happen, but you know sometimes you just gotta get it out. And me and him are like laaaughing and talking and just laying it out, like, I like you, I like you too stuff. Nothing’s gonna happen though. OK, SHHHHHH! Here he comes!”
Mighty Girl 