Me: We could just redo the Hot Dog on a Stick thing. Hank could be a soft pretzel! But then we’d have to rebuild your corndog outfit.
Bryan: We could do that.
Me: Or Hank could be a monkey, you could be a banana, and I could be Carmen Miranda.
Bryan: … Why do I always have to be a giant phallus?
Me: I guess that’s just how I see you.
Tag: humor
The Mustache, a Study
Worse
– … He was a magician comedian.
– Oh man! The only thing worse than a magician is a “funny” magician.
– No, it could be worse. What would be worse?
– Magician comedian mime.
– Magician comedian renaissance mime.
– Magician comedian renaissance mime for Christ.
#14 Watch Your Language
Prompt on page 16 of
No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog.
Three underused insulting words:
1. Nit
As in, “Can it, you nit.”
2. Amok
As in, “I can’t put my finger on it. There’s something amok with him.”
3. Soft
As in, “I wouldn’t borrow her notes. She’s a little soft.”
Duh
This week I’m posting from ideas in my book,
No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog. I’m doing this because I spent far too long wondering what to write about this morning before it occurred to me that I had written a book on the subject. Can you feel the force of my intellect from where you are? The way it’s blowing your face back slightly? I thought so.
Note to Self
Knowing that heat makes your milk come in, refrain from resting your computer on your chest for an hour or so while you work in bed. Ow.
Tough Guy
, originally uploaded by MaggieMason.
Me: I got Hank a new outfit!
Bryan: (rasies eyebrows)
Me: It’s cute! There’s a very limited amount of time where we can dress him all Chauncy.
Bryan: That outfit makes me want to kick his ass.
Me: … Shut up.
Breath, Wasted
Overheard: The beautiful girl on her cell phone leaves a message.
“I don’t know whether you’re ignoring me, or just, like, extra busy or something. I really want to talk to you… Whatever.”
Class of 2000!
New Cast of Laguna Beach, originally uploaded by MaggieMason.
This is a photo of the new cast of Laguna Beach, which is now called Newport Harbor. If you’re unfamiliar with the show, it’s MTV’s “reality” high-school drama.
The California educational system could clearly use some reform, because apparently it’s taking our high-school seniors eight years more than the national average to graduate.
Tip to the MTV casting director: If you’re trying to simulate reality, don’t cast Katherine Heigl.
Old Habits
Me: You used my toothbrush.
Him: I did?
Me: Yes, you’ve done it three times this week.
Him: Oh.
Me: Mine is the blue one. Yours is the green one.
Him: Eh, it’s not like we’ve never made out. Same diff.
Me: Ugh! Uggggh. I’m not into finding my toothbrush mysteriously wet. Also, you don’t rinse off all the toothpaste and it’s gross. Also stop using my goddamn toothbrush, dude
Him: OK.
Two days later:
Me: You used my toothbrush again.
Him: Oh.
Me: Stop it.
Him: OK.
Three days later:
Me: Did you see I bought a purple toothbrush for me?
Him: I did!
Me: You are green! I am purple!
Him: I appreciate that.
A week later:
Me: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHH! Stop using my toothbrush you big jerk! Stop it! Stop it!
Bryan: Shit.
Me: You just use whichever one is closest, don’t you?
Him: Yes.
Me: You don’t even check, do you?
Him: No.
Me: You’ve been doing this for several years and I’m just now noticing. Is that what’s going on here?
Him: Yes.
Me: Excuse me while I go scrape my tongue.
Mighty Girl 