Category: My Life

Stating the Obvious

“You know what I haven’t seen in awhile?” I say to Bryan. “Fight Club. I love that movie. Let’s rent it.” Bryan heads to the video store and returns with the movie. As we’re watching, I realize that momhood has ushered in a new era of overreaction to bloody images.

Me: Whoa! Oooooo.
Bryan: …
Me: Jeez! JEEZ!
Bryan: …
Me: This is violent.
Bryan: It’s not called Cuddle Club.

The Ghost of Motherhood Future

In a desperate bid for more television hours to fill our depleted Tivo, I record a show called Yummy Mummy. They’re doing a makeover segment on a mom who collects holiday sweaters.

Mom: And this is a Christmas sweater! But I wear it throughout the winter because it’s a nice wintry scene.

Me: Stop it.

Mom: And this is my Halloween sweater.

Me: Stop it… Stop.

Mom: This is my Valentine’s Day sweater, with all the hearts.

Me: Stop it.

Bryan: She can’t hear you.

Me:…

Mom: And this is another Christmas sweater.

Me: …

Mom: And I even have all the jewelry to match!

Me: Stop it.

Bryan: Maybe you should watch something else.

He’s here!

Henry Martin Mason, originally uploaded by MaggieMason.

Hey everybody, we had a baby! A tiny, pink baby!

His name is Henry Martin Mason, but you can call him Hank.

I went into labor February 11 at 2 a.m., and he was born around noon that day — 8 lbs. 2 oz., and 21 inches long. I had a really good labor, and as you can see, he’s pretty much the sweetest baby ever.

I’ll tell you more later, after we’re a little less dazed. For now, thanks for all the happy wishes and strong support throughout my pregnancy. I can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated you guys in the past few months.

Hank is one exceptional baby, and I wish you could snuggle him. He even smells soft.

Metabolism Through the Years

So, Maggie, what have you been doing? Well, friends, I have been asleep. In addition, I have been preparing snacks. And then there’s all the eating and resting I’ve been up to.

Also, I’ve been sharing embarrassing photos of myself in high school on heavily trafficked Web sites. Head over to check out my high-waist Daisy Dukes and my worried-looking glamour shot.

However, I must say, after spending months waddling around with a carton of ice cream in my hand, it’s hard to feel embarrassed about any photo in which I weighed roughly 63 pounds. Not impossible, but hard.

Pregnancy Doesn’t Suck, Part 3

Ever since you can remember, whenever pregnancy comes up, someone offers a worst-case scenario. Women terrify you with tales of endless nausea, constant irritation, ballooning, swelling, facial skin discoloration. They proffer a string of “just you waits.” You begin to seriously consider adoption.

When you get pregnant, the stories only intensify. Disfiguring stretch marks, preeclampsia, debilitating mood swings.

You wait, and wait, and wait. None of the things you’ve always dreaded actually come to pass. The things that kept you awake at night, things that cost you hours and hours of worry, none of it happens. In fact, to you, pregnancy feels pretty natural.

You find these women, the women who needlessly terrified you, and beat them senseless with your handbag.

“I’m so sorry,” you say afterward. “I’m suffering from debilitating mood swings.”