Tag: reader I married him

But Tequila Has Always Been my Friend

It’s been a particularly hard day, and I’m swigging a large bottle of mineral water.

Me: I wish this were tequila.
Bryan: Mmmhmm.
Me: I also wish I were 23 years old. Just waking up from having slept in. Until 3 p.m. On spring break. In Cabo.
Bryan: I can make one of those things happen.
Me: Sounds good. I never understood spring break anyway. It was like, why would I spend a week throwing up and pushing away the wasted, persistent guy who wants to put his diseased penis to use?
Bryan: …
Me: I was a blast in college.

Thumb Police Actoin

Bryan and I come to a mutually rewarding agreement and launch an elaborate high five, which involves many variations on the handshake. Bryan ends with a finger gun, but I finish by pinning his thumb to his hand.

-I win the thumb war!
-There was no thumb war.
-That’s what you think.
-That was an undeclared thumb war.
-That’s how we roll in the U.S. of A., Son. Uh!

Saturday Market

A dozen beautiful teenage girls walk by in their most studied casual wear. They’re bound for an afternoon of posing at the open-air market, and they laugh too loudly as they pass. “A gaggle,” I say. Bryan turns to look, “I think that’s technically a murder.”

Us = Going To HEll

Bryan: (Bouncing the baby, singing a Doors tune) C’mon c’mon touch me babe!
Me: (Grimace)
Bryan: What?
Me: Nothing, I just thought you were singing a sweet song to the baby, and then it turned vaguely pedophile.
Bryan: (Singing to the same tune.) There are puppies in my van, let’s play!
Me: (doubled over laughing) Gah! Stop!
Bryan: Your mommy said it was OK!

Filling in for Siblings

Bryan: I know you’re hungry, little baby, so you’ll want to get your hands out of the way. Stop pushing the bottle away, little guy.
Me: (cooing voice) Who doesn’t know what hands are yet? Whooo doesn’t understand the basic principles of physics? Whooo?
Bryan: Who jerks around like he has some sort of grave neurological disorder? Whoooo?
Both: It’s Henry! It’s Heeeenry!

Stating the Obvious

“You know what I haven’t seen in awhile?” I say to Bryan. “Fight Club. I love that movie. Let’s rent it.” Bryan heads to the video store and returns with the movie. As we’re watching, I realize that momhood has ushered in a new era of overreaction to bloody images.

Me: Whoa! Oooooo.
Bryan: …
Me: Jeez! JEEZ!
Bryan: …
Me: This is violent.
Bryan: It’s not called Cuddle Club.

The Ghost of Motherhood Future

In a desperate bid for more television hours to fill our depleted Tivo, I record a show called Yummy Mummy. They’re doing a makeover segment on a mom who collects holiday sweaters.

Mom: And this is a Christmas sweater! But I wear it throughout the winter because it’s a nice wintry scene.

Me: Stop it.

Mom: And this is my Halloween sweater.

Me: Stop it… Stop.

Mom: This is my Valentine’s Day sweater, with all the hearts.

Me: Stop it.

Bryan: She can’t hear you.

Me:…

Mom: And this is another Christmas sweater.

Me: …

Mom: And I even have all the jewelry to match!

Me: Stop it.

Bryan: Maybe you should watch something else.

Distinctions

Me: Oh no, that is not a mime jam jar in the window.
Bryan: Where?
Me: Uh. Right there.
Bryan: Technically, that’s a Harlequin.
Me: No. Shut up. No.
Bryan: I’m just saying, there’s a difference.
Me: Baby… Did you not hear me say shut up?