God Bless America, Please

When we travel internationally, my favorite part of coming home is customs. I look at the U.S. citizens’ line, and I’m always amazed at how similar it looks to the non-citizens’ line. Americans have roots all over the world, but we’ve found a home together here.

Like every big nation, we have problems, but we also have some vast cultural differences to bridge. Here’s to our shared freedoms, our gorgeous country, and our communal struggle to figure things out.

Happy Independence Day, fellow Americans. I like you guys.

Open Letter

Dear Woman Who Just Left This Bathroom Stall,

What the holy hell happened in here? My brain is racing through the possibilities. Did you splay starfish-style against the walls of the stall and misfire from above? Did you decide to practice a little yoga while you had some down time?

Only moments ago, we made eye contact as you passed; I noted your cute shoes. And now here I stand, preparing to wipe one-half-gallon of your urine off my toilet seat.

How was this spatter pattern physically possible? Did you stand over the seat under the misimpression that you have a penis? Clearly you do not have a penis. Territorial drunk men with prostate issues have better aim than you.

If you continue to do this, leave filthy messes for complete strangers despite being in your late thirties, eventually someone will point it out. I hope they will point it out by slamming open the stall, grabbing you by the scruff of your neck, and pushing your nose up to the toilet seat, while shouting, “No! NO! Baaaad stranger! Baaaaaad!”

In the meantime, I’ll be here with half a roll of toilet paper wrapped around my hand, mopping up a grown woman’s pee-pee.

Sincerely,
Margaret Mason

3.785 Litres

Our first day in Amsterdam, I approach the counter to order my coffee:

-May I have a latte?
-Yes!
-This may be a silly question, but do you have lowfat milk?
-What do you mean? For your coffee?
– Yes. I usually order my lattes with lowfat milk, but I don’t think they have that here.
-No, we don’t have that.
-OK, no problem.
-Why do you want that? You don’t want foam?
-No. We do that because the lattes in the states are the size of a gallon of milk, and I don’t want to get fat.
-Ah. How much is a gallon?

My First Podcast

I recorded a podcast with Megan Morrone and Leo Laporte when Hank was about eight weeks old, and they just posted it as part of their new show, Jumping Monkeys, on the Twit TV network.

Listening to the recording was a trip, because I was so exhausted when we talked that I had almost no recollection of the conversation. I was terrified to hit the play button, because all I remembered saying was that Hank was lulled to sleep by the sound of pubs. “Hello everyone! I’m a new parent, and I enjoy taking my kid to bars!” This is true, of course, but maybe it’s not what I’d have closed with had I been a little more on my game.

Anyway, have a listen. The interview starts a little ways into the show after some site recommendations from Megan.