Mortality, the Blog

This is the skull of a suspected vampire.

“At the time the woman died, many people believed that the plague was spread by ‘vampires’ which, rather than drinking people’s blood, spread disease by chewing on their shrouds after dying. Grave-diggers put bricks in the mouths of suspected vampires to stop them from doing this.”

Huh. I found her on Legacy Matters, a fascinating blog that’s mostly about death.

The link above is to the site’s “No Way to Go” section, which is worth a look, my friends. Here’s a Roald Dahlian photo of a priest who floated away with a bunch of helium balloons and was never found.

Given some of the more choice examples in the “No Way to Go” section, this one is looking like an unequivocally excellent way to go.

I prefer to think he just floated right on up, no waiting.

I’m Making Something Pretty

The Scoop posted a handmade version of the J Crew Astrid jacket a few months back, and when I saw it, little bluebirds flew in the window and landed on my shoulders, and talking mice scurried out of the closet with pins and spools of thread.

Amazing, right? I’ve been working on my own version in bright pink, so it’s extra ka-pow! Here are some of the petals:

It’s almost done, and it’s so good you’ll want to stuff it in your mouth when you see it. Upon seeing it, please restrain yourself, because I’d like to wear it once before I have it dry cleaned.

Making things makes me happy.

Pity the Fool, a Quotation

From a A Cup of Joe:

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.” — Theodore I. Rubin, MD

10 Days with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Trainer, Day 1

So, last month, I had some surprising success with that video by Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer, Tracy Anderson, and then I had emergency oral surgery. My mouth has finally stopped throbbing when I move (party at my place!), so I’m trying this again. I’ll start with five days now, five days after SxSW.

Day One report:

I move the coffee table and shove aside train sets, Hotwheels, Thomas DVD cases. Soon I have almost enough room to unroll a yoga mat and get to work.

“Now we’re going to start with your warmup,” Tracy Anderson says. My warmup skills are radiant. I’m a warmup Olympian, you guys. I’d post video, but I fear it would be too emotional for you.

“Now we’re warmed up, so we’re going to go on to abs,” she says. Abs! Yes! Let’s do this! I continue to dazzle through this section. I imagine wading into a mountain stream to wash the laundry against my abs. However, there’s a wooden train track digging into my shoulder, and the tiny little bit of searing pain starts to grate after three hours or so.

“OK, we’re going to continue on with our abs, but I want you to grab a weight this time,” Tracy Anderson says. OK. But… I think we just did abs, Tracy Anderson. You were right here, can’t you feel the burning? No? Oh.

Me neither.

“The next part of the abdominal series is the piking series,” Tracy Anderson says. What? Oh, it’s on Tracy Anderson. Through this section, I punish you by whimpering in disapproval. “This is the most difficult series for the abs” Tracy Anderson continues. I whack my right hand against a miniature xylophone, and glare at Tracy Anderson through narrowed eyes. Her tiny dancer body still fits entirely within my millimeter of vision. I stub my left toe on an abandoned Tonka truck. My millimeter of vision begins to swim.

“Now we’re going to move into challenging your abs in yet another way,” Tracy Anderson says. This is where I black out. There is a light, and I move toward it. There are apple fritters here.

Traveling with Kids

http://blip.tv/play/gew+8OtykOIX

This video is a sentimental favorite, because both the girls are real-life friends. Also, Heather talks about vomiting on a plane after the wedding where she and I first met in real life. Karen Walrond of Chookooloonks is new to our crew, and you will like her. She’s got that loyal, responsible, but quit-your-law-job-and-follow-your-dreams thing going on.

As for traveling with kids, you may remember that I wrote up some mom travel tips when Hank was tiny. Here’s my post 12 Tips for Flying with a Baby, and my OCD treatise on getting through airport security 9 Tips for Quick Airport Security Screening with a Baby.

Rainbows, I Tell You

Psychologists now know what makes people happy

My favorite part of this article on happiness by Marilyn Elias:

“One of the happiest men I ever met was a 64-year-old Chicago welder with a fourth-grade education,” he says. The man took immense pride in his work, refusing a promotion to foreman that would have kept him from what he loved to do. He spent evenings looking at the rock garden he built, with sprinklers and floodlights set up to create rainbows.”

Guy in Love Enters, Stage Left

You are a young man in love, and this morning you’re meeting a particular young girl for coffee. She’s lovely, and your elbow rests on the table, chin in hand, head cocked to the side. You are listening, really listening, and gazing upon her with admiration.

I know this scene is meant to warm my heart. You are oozing sentiment. In fact, your adoration seems calculated for public benefit. Look everybody! Now this is a Guy in Love!

I consider knocking your elbow out from under your chin, but instead do my best impersonation of a wistful smile. “Look at that,” I pretend to think. “Oh! How I do recall the days when my own love was budding and new.”

I’m sure I’ll see you around a few months hence, perhaps the day after you dump her via text message.