Category: categories

While I’m away, you should read Right on America! It’s a collaborative blog by a few very funny people who love them the Jesus.

“fire gets the job done, whether the job needed to
be done or not. In fact, this is something that’s been drilled into our heads since we were old enough to touch our
tounges to the stove top. In the words of the late, headless comedian Phil Hartman, “Fire Bad”.

So we respect fire. We give it the right of way. We know that fire will fuck our shit up correctly if we try to front fire. We
know that we should not play with it. And we know, and I’m just pulling this example out of the clear blue, if we want to
appear in a televised stunt that involves fire, we’re going to wrap ourselves up in a suit made of SHIT THAT WILL NOT
BURN. And then we’re going to say over and over again, “I AM WEARING A SUIT OF SHIT THAT WILL NOT BURN. IF YOU DO
NOT HAVE THIS SUIT, AND YOU DON’T, BECAUSE I AM WEARING IT, YOU WILL BURN, BUT GOOD.”

In order, then, for the average person to destroy any chance of winning the coveted, “Mr. Guy Who Has Skin Covering
His Entire Body” Award, he would have to be ignorant to a few things. These being:

A. The English language, and such phrases as, “Don’t do this,” or,
“Man, fire am hot”.

B. The difference between being fire-retardant, or merely retarded.

C. Just…Just…It’s FIRE for god’s sake!

But, no. Instead, a 13-year-old boy covered himself with gasoline, and set himself on fire, just like Johnny Knoxville didn’t.
If we were being forgiving, we would say he was guilty of improvising on a theme. This is fine if you’re Miles Davis, and
the theme is Disney’s, “Someday My Prince Will Come”. This is not so good if you are a 13 year old moron, and the theme
is, “Fire”.(posted by josh cagan)”

“Possible Children’s Theater Ideas

1.) Good Touch – Bad Touch LIVE!

2.) My Mommy’s Girlfriend

3.) Never Too Early – Retirement Savings for Tots

4.) …Like Bunnies – A Dance.

5.) Things To Do Instead of Crying

6.) Line of Control – The India/Pakistan Conflict Made Easy

7.) Silly Walks of Drunks

8.) Be Good or It’s Cancer for You

9.) Candy is Dandy – Except fo Diabetics

10.) Cal – The Kitty That’s High as a Kite

(posted by Bryan Mason)”

“I AM NOT SATAN! I LOVE ME THE JESUS! I SING ME THE SONGS OF JESUS IN A JESUSY STYLE! WHERE DO I GET MY JESUSY
SONGS OF JESUS WITH THEIR JESUSALICIOUS JESUSNESS? FROM THE INTERMANET, OF COURSE!!!

JESUS JESUS JESUS !!!!!!

(posted by josh cagan)”

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While I’m gone, you should read Bloody Hell. His posts are good, but it’s the little things that keep me coming back. Like the way he says “bangarang” when he thinks something is cool, or the time he said ” but soft!” instead of “there’s more.” I’m a sucker for cute verbal tics.

“Today marks the first day when my grandma
begins fertilizing greener pastures. People keep
saying, “my sympathy is with you”. I
understand the niceties are a subset of living in
some semblance of a civilized society, however,
it isn’t really warranted.

I’m not sorry she gupped the giffer. In fact, I’m
not really sorry many people do. I’ve expected
this. I expect I will die as well. It would definitely
be a surprise if I didn’t.”

“Expectations vs. reality.

Make it fast,

Make it good,

Make it cheap.

Pick two.

Yay.”

“Noody noody noo is all I have to say today.”

“Who is Dana Gould? Some guy who said this:

‘We all enter this world in the same
way: naked, screaming, soaked in
blood. But if you live your life right,
that kind of thing doesn’t have to
stop
there.'”

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[editor’s note] It occurrs to me, as I post today’s message that Mighty Girl left me, she might have at least assumed that I had some big Presidents’ Weekend plans. The fact that I’m posting this at 1:00AM Saturday morning, after having spent the evening playing video games, has nothing to do with it…

While I’m away, you should visit Annie. She doesn’t update often enough, but she’s one of my favorites.

Four Kraftwerk-lookin’ indie rockers stood on the
platform with me; they were thick-spectacled, pale, and thin. I felt instantly uncool for
wearing my purple pajama top under my coat, even though they wouldn’t see it. Indie
rockers make me nervous.

Wearing a white shirt and black pants, along with a tie worthy of placement in the International Male catalog, the
young man slinked his way toward our party. He began to gyrate his pelvis and wave his hands in the air like he just
don’t care — all in front of poor Ophi. Upon closer inspection of Rico Suave’s getup, I noticed that he was sporting a
tacky gold chain around his neck. Obviously someone got a good prize in his Burger King Kids Club Meal.

[Regarding a battle with depression:]

What people say

How long were you on medication?

What people mean

Exactly how crazy were you?

What people say

Do you still go to therapy?

What people mean

Are you still crazy?

What people say

It doesn’t seem like someone like you could have problems.

What people mean

Oh my god, what if I go crazy someday, too?

[One of Annie’s New Years resolutions:]

more rock, less talk.

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While I’m away, you should read Caterina:

“Jim’s roommate, let’s call him Lester, was a prodigious serial
seducer. He seduced more women in college than anyone would ever have
believed, being kind of an unassuming computer programmer kind of guy
with very average looks. His secret was, I guess, charm, but mostly that
he never told a soul. Never bragged, never raised an eyebrow, never
brought it up in casual conversation, never said a word. Kissing but no
telling. No one knows to this day what a Don Juan Lester was in the early
90s at Vassar, not the women he seduced not his CS classmates, only
his roommates, and their confidantes, such as me.”

“Main Entry: lapsus calami

Pronunciation: “lap-sus-‘ka-la-“mE, “lap-sus-‘ka-le-“mI

Usage: foreign term

Etymology: Latin

: slip of the pen”

“When I was little I was over at at the
Vance’s house playing with John Vance, the youngest of six
brothers, whose immediate predecessors were Matthew, Mark and
Luke� John was showing me the hamster that
he and his brothers had gotten for Christmas, which I had come
especially to see. He lifted it out of its cage and showed it to me. It
had twitchy whiskers and I petted it tentatively with my forefinger,
finding it very very soft. I was completely smitten. Then he kissed the
hamster and said, “I love you SOOO MUCH” and squeezed it so
hard he killed it dead.”

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“Whom we love best, to them we can say the least.” -Jon Ray

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While I’m away, you should read Squirrel Bait. Her tagline says it all, “Love is misery in the pupal stage.”

[regarding a new make-your-bath-a-jacuzzi toy:]

“Even on the gentlest setting, the BubbleSpa made the water boil furiously, spurting five-inch jets of water into the air. Worse, the suction cups weren’t strong enough to hold the air-bubbling mat down; as air in water is want to do, it rose briskly, with me on top flailing and fighting it back down. The air-hose kept coming detached and flying wildly through the bathtub, sending water spraying everywhere. Plus, the water was churning so hard and taking in so much air that it went from almost-too-hot-to-sit-in to ice cold in less than two minutes… even with the BubbleSpa set to add heat.

Basically, imagine me buttnaked in rapidly boiling ice water, thrashing around on a 1×4 air float and trying frantically to grab a hose doing its best rattlesnake-on-crack impression.

It was my first aerobic bath.”

[on marriage]

“Yeah, I think I’ll just get 75 cats, a collection of Franklin Mint commemorative dolls, and a really big vibrator and skip the whole thing. ”

“Men of the world, please do me a favor. All I ask is a little truth in advertising. If you’ve got something you’ll be saying to me later under awkward, pained circumstances, just say it to me when you meet me! It’s not so much harder than hello, really it’s not! Repeat the following phrases after me:

1. Hi, I’m Andrew. I’m exclusively homosexual. Hitting on me will do you no good, and will only embarrass us both.

2. Hi, I’m Stephen. I’m proposing to my girlfriend this weekend. Although I may seem to be interested in you, in fact I am merely an incredibly friendly, touchy-feely sort of person. Please don’t misinterpret my attentions.

3. Hello! I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, so I thought you ought to know that while it used to be okay for you to grab my wee-wee, I now have a girlfriend and such behavior is no longer acceptable. And how have you been?

See how simple that was? Cleared the air right up front, didn’t it?

I am going to go blush into my pillowcase now.”

“From here:

A few years ago, Fisher recalls, a typical Silicon Valley cube might have measured 8 feet by 8 feet. No more. Now cubes are more likely to be half or two-thirds that size. In some cases, companies are ordering cubicles as small as 5 by 6, or 30 square feet.

As a result, cubicles — sometimes referred to sarcastically as “veal fattening pens” for their claustrophobia-inducing size — are now smaller than enclosures provided for calves.

In fact, according to recommendations from the University of California Cooperative Extension, a calf should be allotted a minimum of 35 square feet, possibly 30, in structures known as “superhutches.”

The guidelines did not address how much space a calf needs to program in Perl script while drinking diet soda and eating cheese puffs. ”

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