13th February 2001

While I’m away, you should read Squirrel Bait. Her tagline says it all, “Love is misery in the pupal stage.”

[regarding a new make-your-bath-a-jacuzzi toy:]

“Even on the gentlest setting, the BubbleSpa made the water boil furiously, spurting five-inch jets of water into the air. Worse, the suction cups weren’t strong enough to hold the air-bubbling mat down; as air in water is want to do, it rose briskly, with me on top flailing and fighting it back down. The air-hose kept coming detached and flying wildly through the bathtub, sending water spraying everywhere. Plus, the water was churning so hard and taking in so much air that it went from almost-too-hot-to-sit-in to ice cold in less than two minutes… even with the BubbleSpa set to add heat.

Basically, imagine me buttnaked in rapidly boiling ice water, thrashing around on a 1×4 air float and trying frantically to grab a hose doing its best rattlesnake-on-crack impression.

It was my first aerobic bath.”

[on marriage]

“Yeah, I think I’ll just get 75 cats, a collection of Franklin Mint commemorative dolls, and a really big vibrator and skip the whole thing. ”

“Men of the world, please do me a favor. All I ask is a little truth in advertising. If you’ve got something you’ll be saying to me later under awkward, pained circumstances, just say it to me when you meet me! It’s not so much harder than hello, really it’s not! Repeat the following phrases after me:

1. Hi, I’m Andrew. I’m exclusively homosexual. Hitting on me will do you no good, and will only embarrass us both.

2. Hi, I’m Stephen. I’m proposing to my girlfriend this weekend. Although I may seem to be interested in you, in fact I am merely an incredibly friendly, touchy-feely sort of person. Please don’t misinterpret my attentions.

3. Hello! I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, so I thought you ought to know that while it used to be okay for you to grab my wee-wee, I now have a girlfriend and such behavior is no longer acceptable. And how have you been?

See how simple that was? Cleared the air right up front, didn’t it?

I am going to go blush into my pillowcase now.”

“From here:

A few years ago, Fisher recalls, a typical Silicon Valley cube might have measured 8 feet by 8 feet. No more. Now cubes are more likely to be half or two-thirds that size. In some cases, companies are ordering cubicles as small as 5 by 6, or 30 square feet.

As a result, cubicles — sometimes referred to sarcastically as “veal fattening pens” for their claustrophobia-inducing size — are now smaller than enclosures provided for calves.

In fact, according to recommendations from the University of California Cooperative Extension, a calf should be allotted a minimum of 35 square feet, possibly 30, in structures known as “superhutches.”

The guidelines did not address how much space a calf needs to program in Perl script while drinking diet soda and eating cheese puffs. ”

prerecorded