Non-choking Cracker Jack toys make my soul sad. What the hell, Cracker Jack? You seriously expect me to convince my kid that a half-inch square of paper with cartoon drawings of centipedes is mind-blowing fun? Do you think my kid is stupid, Cracker Jack?

While American kids are clapping and mewling over paper “pencil toppers,” German kids are ripping into the hearty intellectual challenge that is the Kinder Egg. Their candy toys are so formidable they require assembly. Do you hear that, Corporate America? German kids are learning how to build things. Our kids are scratching their heads over your three-point connect-the-dots, and then apparently stuffing them into their windpipes.

I will not allow you to stunt the fun-center of my child’s brain, jerkwads. More kids choking, fewer crap-ass toys!