Tag: reader I married him

Then I Did a Brief Pole Dance

Me: I took my shirt off in front of the neighbor.
Bryan: Explain that.
Me: I took my shirt off without realizing the shade was up, and there he was. I actually made eye contact with him. He got all flustered and looked away.
Bryan: Hot.
Me: No, I was wearing my indestructible white bra. I just dropped to my knees and crawled out of the room.
Bryan: Lame.
Me: I know.

Matambre

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Bryan is adventurous about most things, and especially food. Wherever we go in the world, he tries the sausage. Good idea in Germany, but Malaysia? Anyway, lately, he’s taken to trying meat of all sorts, which is how we ended up preparing Matambre for Christmas. Turns out it’s a very typical Argentine dish, and you should know how to make it, because it’s awesome.

It all started when Bryan dragged me into the butcher shop around the corner, and then pointed to stuff while I tried to translate. The conversation with the butcher went like this:

Bryan: What is that?
Me: What is that?
Butcher: Matambre.
Me: What is matambre?
Butcher: Meat and things.
Bryan: I want one of those.
Me: Uh. OK. How do you prepare it?
Butcher: You put it in boiling water for two hours, then freeze it.
Me: In the freezer?
Butcher: No.
Me: Freeze it?
Butcher: No! You freeze it with the post in the sink.
Me: You make it cold?
Him: Yes.
Me: OK. Do you cook it in the plastic and everything?
Him: Yes, yes! Then you break it with the sink.

In answer to my utter confusion, the butcher mimed preparation of the meat, which ended with us putting the roast in the sink and whacking it hard with the bottom of the pan.

Apparently, a lot of people serve it cold as an appetizer, though they don’t put it in the freezer to get it that way. It’s crazy tasty, and a lot like corned beef, except the vegetables are already rolled up inside with a couple of boiled eggs for good measure. That’s why it looks sort of like a severed arm when you first open it up. Delicious.

Old Habits

Me: You used my toothbrush.
Him: I did?
Me: Yes, you’ve done it three times this week.
Him: Oh.
Me: Mine is the blue one. Yours is the green one.
Him: Eh, it’s not like we’ve never made out. Same diff.
Me: Ugh! Uggggh. I’m not into finding my toothbrush mysteriously wet. Also, you don’t rinse off all the toothpaste and it’s gross. Also stop using my goddamn toothbrush, dude
Him: OK.

Two days later:

Me: You used my toothbrush again.
Him: Oh.
Me: Stop it.
Him: OK.

Three days later:

Me: Did you see I bought a purple toothbrush for me?
Him: I did!
Me: You are green! I am purple!
Him: I appreciate that.

A week later:

Me: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHH! Stop using my toothbrush you big jerk! Stop it! Stop it!
Bryan: Shit.
Me: You just use whichever one is closest, don’t you?
Him: Yes.
Me: You don’t even check, do you?
Him: No.
Me: You’ve been doing this for several years and I’m just now noticing. Is that what’s going on here?
Him: Yes.
Me: Excuse me while I go scrape my tongue.

The Bay Area Outerware Society

Me: I love her coat. Love it.
Bryan: Wow, you really love that coat.
Me: (Various kissing sounds.)
Bryan: If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?
Me: Maybe I will. Maybe I will take her coat as my lawful wedded spouse.
Bryan: Why don’t you go hump it?
Me: She would object.
Bryan: You’re making an assumption there.
Me: True. This is San Francisco, probably coat humping is a thing. Probably there’s a coat-humping community.
Bryan: They have coat-humping parties.
Me: We’re out of the loop.