7 Skills Every Woman Should Master

So Esquire‘s list of 75 Skills Every Man Should Master has been everywhere lately. It’s a good read, and most of the stuff is applicable to both genders. Here’s my little list of seven things every woman should know how to do, because I lack the stamina to come up with seventy-five:

1. Entertain unexpected company. Invest in a cheeseboard, and then keep a big jar in your cupboard filled with bags of dried apricots and cranberries, almonds, hazelnuts, and a few bars of exceptional chocolate. All of it will keep for a while, if you can refrain from devouring everything while you watch an episode of Lost.

Now, in three minutes, you can dump out some fruit and nuts, chop up a chocolate bar, and arrange it all to maximum effect on the cheeseboard. If you have decent cheese in the fridge, it’s a bonus. Pow! You’re Martha Stewart.

2. Comfort someone in mourning. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” And then as much silence as you can muster.

3. Celebrate. Good stuff is happening all around you. Pour a glass of champagne, pass around a box of chocolate, and say something memorable.

4. Break up with a poisonous friend. I had this friend in junior high, and every time I told her I liked a boy, she suddenly became very attentive towards him. I was too young to realize what was going on at the time, but by high school, and the fourth or fifth crush she’d pinched, I caught on.

Most of us have a friend or acquaintance who always leaves us feeling just a little bit worse. Maybe your mortifying missteps become her favorite amusing anecdotes. Maybe she throws her arm around your boyfriend’s shoulders with suspicious frequency. Maybe she guilt-trips you into piling a few favors atop your already hectic schedule. Whoever she is, stop calling her. Tell her you’re busy — so very busy — until 2050 or so.

5. Give a good blowjob.

6. Dribble a basketball, throw a football, kick a soccer ball. This stuff comes up. If you can’t do anything athletic at all, you start to look like the kind of girl who spends too much time getting mani-pedis.

7. Apologize convincingly. I was wrong. I’m very sorry. It won’t happen again.

If that doesn’t work, you may need to genuflect.

Easter Cakes Baked in Egg Shells

For Easter, I decided I wanted to make these awesome cakes baked in egg shells.

I find them pretty magical, and fairly easy to make, if a little tedious. Then again, we did make a lot of them.

I tweaked the recipe a bit because I couldn’t find any egg nog, and I also wanted lemon cakes. The differences between my cakes and the cakes in the recipe are as follows:

-Doubled the recipe.
-Added low-fat buttermilk instead of egg nog. (Whole fat would have worked better, but the store didn’t have it.)
-Added juice of one Meyer Lemon.
-Added lemon zest of two Meyer Lemons for flavor.
-Forgot to oil the insides of the shells.

If you don’t feel like making cake from scratch, a cake mix would probably work just fine. In conclusion, cake in egg shells kicks ass. Happy Easter!

Big Plans

Things I feel I should be doing more actively after reading this month’s O Magazine.

Figuring out what I’d do if I only had five years to live.
Doing what comes naturally, reflexively, effortlessly
Switching to Yves meatless taco stuffers
Figuring out what I’d do if money weren’t an obstacle.
Pretending that I am smart enough not to be distracted by the Grecian tragedy unfolding for the Spears family.
Figuring out what my regrets would be if I died tomorrow.
Measuring out five ounces of liquid to see how many servings of wine our enormous wine glasses actually hold.
Designing my life to bring me joy.
Meditating on compassion.
Relaxing.

9 Tips for Quick Airpot Security Screening With a Baby

Admittedly, Bryan and I stress about getting through security efficiently. We don’t like to delay other people, and we also don’t like to miss our flight. So we developed a system, a meticulous system, early on.

If you’re a laid-back sort, these tips will amuse you. If you hyperventilate at the thought of people in line behind you rolling their eyes, you’ll find this helpful.

The tips assume one baby, two adults, and three carry-ons. And away we go:

1. Get organized. Put liquids, gels, or powder (including baby food) in clear plastic bags. Wear shoes that slip on and off. Skip jewelry, empty your pockets into your bag, and affix your watch to a bag strap.

2. Toss contraband. Before queuing, ask yourself if you have any food or water that you’ve forgotten, and then throw it away. If you accidentally stow it in your bag, they’ll have to search your stuff, possibly send you through the air-puffing machine, call out the dogs, strip search you, and so on. It’s a pain.

3. Centralize IDs and tickets. Have one person keep IDs and tickets in an accessible pouch or wallet. That person shows ID for the group, and collects boarding passes after screening.

4. Get in the fast line. Lots of airports will send you into a quicker line if you have a baby with you. Approach the security agent with your stroller and ask, “Should we be in a different line with the baby?” Blink innocently.

5. Prep while you wait. Remove your shoes and laptops while you’re waiting. When you reach the magnetometer, un-stack as many trays as counter space allows.

6. Use lots of trays. Laptops need their own trays, as do your plastic bags full of food and toiletries.

7. Split up if possible. Ideally, one of you loads the conveyer belt while the other carries the baby through and packs up on the other side.

8. Load the conveyer belt judiciously. That means:

– Stroller or sling so the baby is situated right away and you have your hands free.
– Bag, then contents of that bag, rinse and repeat. That way you can zip one bag shut before tackling the next.
– Shoes go last. Either slip them back on, or go sit down elsewhere so you’re out of everyone’s way.

9. Exchange high fives. Damn, you’re good.

Like I said, meticulous. But awesome, no? If you have more ideas, please share them in the comments.

G Diapers, the Verdict

I’m talking about diapers in this post. If you don’t care, you should totally check out this awesome article on the erotic appeal of the Land’s End Catalog.

All right, now a while ago I mentioned that we were switching out to G-Diapers and I’d tell you how it went. The verdict is, I still love them. I eased into using them overnight and for travel, and it’s working out. More stuff I learned:

–Pay attention to the clock.You have to be on top of the diaper changes (about every two hours) because when the diapers get full, they’re actually damp against the baby’s skin. Upside is, this should help with toilet training. Downside is, if you’re not careful, you could have a diaper rash on your hands. Or rather, on the baby’s butt.

–Fine for travel.They’re awesome out in the world because you can flush the poopies instead of carrying them around with you in a gross little plastic bag (so you don’t rudely stink up the public restroom). This is my favorite thing about them. However, they can be a bit bulkier in the diaper bag if you want to carry an extra cover and liner in addition to the absorbent pads.

–No plumbing issues so far.We have old plumbing, and it doesn’t seem to be a problem. I’m really careful about making sure the diaper is completely stirred around and broken up before I flush.

–They’re super cute.They come in great colors, are easy to use, and are way less bulky than cloth or even some disposables. In warmer months, I’ll let him wear the diaper in lieu of shorts without ruining his cute little outfit.

–They do cost more. Like many things that are better for the environment, they’re more expensive. Disposables are about 19 cents each, G-diaper liners are about 36 cents apiece, and that’s not counting the initial investment of about $68 for the cloth covers. This may be a deal breaker for many.

–Poopy diapers, even bad ones aren’t really a hassle. I’ve only once had a poopy diaper that made it past the liner and onto the cloth. This is probably because I run my finger around the leg bands every time I change him, but you have to do that with disposables too. You can also just rinse the plastic liners, and they dry within minutes.

In conclusion, thumbs up! Way to go G-Diapers.

Steal This Idea: Customized Goal Charts

I want customized goal charts that someone else designs and prints for me.

I want to go to a site where I fill in the title for my chart, then choose a chart template:

-Zen
-Bright
-Dots

Choose how I want to measure my progress:

-bar chart
-pie chart
-check boxes

Choose from a selection of letter-press like images as decoration, and then choose the format I want:

-Email me a PDF so I can print it
-Print this and mail it to me so I can hang it on the wall
-Make this an interactive web page I can use to chart my progress

I would choose to have them printed about the size of a collectible rock-show poster, and then I’d hang them on the wall behind my desk. You could fill in the charts with a pen, or use pretty stickers to check off your boxes. In my dream, the design would look something like the posters from Lizard Press or Really Good Things, Etc.

How about it, programmers/designers? If you can just get it to the point where you can email me the PDF, I’d pay about $20 a PDF and take it to a print shop myself.

Now, in the meantime, you Etsy letterpress folks or those with sik screening capacity should consider making up a set of small posters that allow people to write in their very important goal lists. Offer about ten variations that all look good together, so you could hang a grouping of goals and it wouldn’t look dumb.

Do this! Do this, my friends! It is a good idea.

G Diapers

So I ordered this sample pack of hippie diapers a million years ago, and then left it in our trunk. Having recently re-located it, I decided to try them out.

Early on we tried cloth diapers and found them to be ass. For us. I realize that they work for you, and that is because you are awesome. You can handle the cloth diapers, and you are a super-goodie. However, we hated them and had to stop using them. (I do not need tips! No tips, please, you helpful parent, you.) Sooo…

So we’ve been using crazy-evil disposables that take three million years to decompose, and I have the guilt. G Diapers are flushable diapers that seem easy to use. I started using them yesterday, and I kind of love them so far. Of course, I don’t flush the liners, just throw them away. But still, they biodegrade a zillion times faster than disposables, and they use less stuff you throw away overall, so I’m feeling angelic. Also, the covers are soft, so Hank doesn’t try to claw them off.

So, here begins my great green experiment. I’ll tell you if they begin to suck, but so far they do not suck! And we are virtuous, earth-loving people who are busy looking for trees to hug right this minute.

Mighty Menu

More menu madness! How do I maintain my edge in the face of meal-planning tips? I type naked. (Except for my socks. My feet are always cold.)

Anyway, in my continuing quest to lose baby weight, I’ve been reading You on a Diet by Dr. Oz. It isn’t so much a diet book as a “Potato Chips are Not a Breakfast Food” book.

The book suggested adopting one meal choice that becomes a habit. You could have steel-cut oatmeal every morning for breakfast, a turkey sandwich on whole-wheat bread every day for lunch, or a bowl of nine-grain gruel for dinner. This dramatically reduces the wild-card meals where you might accidentally eat an entire wheel of triple-cream brie.

I decided to adopt habit meals that have endless variations, so I’m having smoothies for breakfast and salads for lunch. For dinner, I’m freezing a bunch of soups that we’ll have whenever we’re too tired to cook or order pizza.

BREAKFAST SMOOTHIES

*Update: I added serving info and measurements to more adequately reflect the amount of fruit you’re getting per serving. If you’re making a smoothie for just you, you’ll want to halve the ingredients.

Makes two servings:
1 cup Orange juice
1 cup Lowfat plain yogurt
1 Banana
2 tsp. Cinnamon (a natural appetite suppressant)
3 tbsp. Psyllium husk (for fiber)
Flax seed oil (for delicious Omega 3 acids)

1 cup of frozen fruit, whatever you prefer:
raspberries
blueberries
mangoes
strawberries

Maybes:
fresh ginger
whatever fruit is about to spoil in the fridge (sometimes I’ll throw it in the freezer right before it spoils for extra longevity and smoothie slushiness)

LUNCH SALADS

Mixed greens or spinach
Tomatoes or cherry tomatoes
Carrots
raw sunflower seeds
hard boiled eggs
cooked beets

Maybes:
oranges or tangerines
mangoes
cooked chicken
smoked salmon

DINNER SOUPS

From Chic Simple Cooking
Chicken soup with lemon zest, thyme, and potatoes
Curried vegetable soup with fresh gingeroot
Winter borscht

From Bill’s Sydney Food
Spring vegetable soup

From Bill’s Open Kitchen
Spiced zucchini soup

SNACKS

Crudite
-snap peas
-celery leftover from soups
-cherry tomatoes
-baby carrots

Raw almonds
Raw walnuts
almond butter on whole grain frozen waffles
dried apricots
fresh fruit
ak mak whole wheat crackers

I Heart Menu Planning

I love to cook, but don’t have a ton of time. When I can, I like to spend a whole Sunday putting up a bunch of frozen dinners. I try to plan our grocery buying so that nothing’s wasted by making mostly frozen stuff, and then having fresh stuff on hand for nights when we have more time to prepare a meal.

Anyway, last weekend the girls were talking about how they hate meal planning, and I mentioned how much I love it. We decided I should share my menus. Most recipes are from Bill Granger cookbooks because those are the cookbooks I’m working though right now.

I’ve linked out to recipes where I can find them, but I don’t have the energy to type in the recipes I couldn’t find online. Buy the cookbooks! They’re excellent and have quality, shiny photos.

FRESH FOOD
This is stuff we’ll keep in the fridge for snacking and super quick meals.

Crudite
-celery
-broccoli
-sliced jicama or turnips
-baby carrots
-hummus
Mixed salad to have as sides with dinner
6 hard boiled eggs
Fruit salad with honey and rum
Smoothies (frozen fruit, condensed OJ, plain yogurt, psyllium husks)
Turkey sandwich ingredients

FROZEN FOOD
These are the meals I spend one whole day making so we have stuff to eat when we’re too exhausted to cook.

chicken with summer vegetables (red pepper, zucchini, yellow squash, basil and chicken stock)
Bill’s Spring Vegetable Soup
spiced zucchini soup
coconut bread
Bill’s corn ginger soup
Bill’s lentil soup with parm toasts

FRESH DINNERS
These are the foods I’ll make the week after I’ve put up frozen dinners. They’re things that don’t freeze well and have fresh ingredients.

thai fried rice
crab spaghetti
carrot avocado salad (via Chocolate and Zucchini)

WILL KEEP
These are the meals I’ll make about a week later because they don’t have many ingredients that will spoil quickly.

open-faced omelette
udon noodles (this is a cleanup recipe involving udon noodles, chicken stock, some fish sauce, and whatever veggies you have left over from the crudite or other recipes)

TIPS
-When I get home, I put the eggs on to boil, then prep crudite and fruit salad.
-I prepare the meals that I need to freeze, starting with those that will take longest to cook.
-I make a list of any fresh food that we should eat first, and post it on the fridge.
-I prep fresh meals whenever you have time in the week to come, and move on to “Will Keep” meals, using any leftover veggies from crudite or other meals to make Udon noodles.
-I have a Manhattan.