Tag: humor

Hot or Not, Live

Him: Did the National Gaurdsman kick the magnometer when you walked through?

Me: What?

Him: They do that to girls, especially pretty girls. They kick it to make it beep. We had to talk to them about it.

Me: You’re kidding me.

Him: Nope.

Me: Huh

Him: It didn’t beep when you walked through?

Me: No.

Him: Oh.


REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

Me: My sister does this thing with her kids whenever they’re freaked out about something. Like my nephew will come up and say, “Mommy, I found a worm in my sandbox and it’s crawling all around. And she’ll say, Luckyyyyyy, like it’s something cool.

Him: Does it work?

Me: Yeah. The kids just get all self-satisfied and go back to what they were doing.

Him: I’m going to try that with clients. (gruff voice) The project is three weeks late. Luckyyyyyy.

5:03 p.m.


WHERE’S MY BOYFRIEND, BITCH?

Brrrrriiing!

Brrrrrriiiing!

Me: Yeeees?

Her: Hi….Wha…? Is Alfred there?

Me: Is that the bartender?

Her: The bartender? No. (peeved) Who is this?

Me: Maggie.

Her: (anger mounting) Maggie who?

Me: Maggie Berry.

Her: (anger peaks) Where’s Alfred?

Me: Do you know you’re calling Hobson’s Choice?

Her: What?

Me: The bar, Hobson’s Choice.

Her: Who are you?!

Me: Did you mean to call a pay phone?

Her: Oh! My mistake.

Click.

5:14 p.m.


SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR

How can I describe the
spectaculitude of the Rockettes’ Christmas
Spectacular? There were ice skaters, there were
illuminated headpieces, there were 3-D glasses attached
to the program. Santa Claus was doing
pelvic thrusts, more than 70 leggy precision dancers grinned and shimmered in ethereal
high-kick splendor, and just when you thought it
couldn’t get any better, dancing dwarves took the
stage.

Any complaints I’d otherwise have about the extreme corniness factor were mitigated by the easily amused women behind me. Everything cracked them up, and that cracked me up, and all of us were happy:

Mrs. Claus: Where can Santa be? Haven’t we had any
word?

Elf: (Waving piece of paper.) This just came in from
Santa’s mobile fax!!

Knee Slappers: HAR! HAR! HAR!

Santa: Did we get all the letters?

Elf: Checked and ready, sir!

Santa: What about my email?

Knee Slappers: HAR! HAR! HAR!

See? Santa plus technology equals laff riot! Who knew?

12:44 p.m.


TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

There’s a tattoo parlor near my sister’s place called House of Pain. If I ever open a small business, I’m going to give it a similarly candid name. Perhaps a bikini-waxing salon called Torture Your Tenders. People appreciate honesty.

4:02 p.m.


WHY AMERICANS ARE FAT, FIRST IN A SERIES

So I’m watching this commercial for Tostitos Scoopers. The premise is that most chips aren’t easy enough to dip. Regular chips are designed so that you can only use dips as a condiment, a chip enhancer, if you will. Scoopers have a more spoonlike quality that lets you eat entire tablespoons of sour cream with each chip. The dip becomes the object, the chip merely a passive conduit. Right now, they only make corn chips, which is too bad. If they made a potato chip version, it would be great for scooping butter.

3:04 p.m.


APPRAISAL

Cultural lessons via “Antiques Roadshow.”

American:

-Yes, that’s pretty neat. We’re glad you brought it in today. Any idea what it’s worth?

-None at all. No idea at all.

-It’s quite an unusual piece, it’s been a treat to see it. And I think–are you ready for this? I’d say around $800.

-NOOOOOOO KIDDING! Gosh! I had no idea! HA! Ha. I just can’t believe it.

-And how much did you pay for it?

-Just three dollars!!!!

-Happy?

-Yes, that’s just wonderful. Thanks so much!

British:

-Well, do you like the piece?

-Yeeees. Certainly.

-Yes, it’s lovely. Well, do you get good use of it?

-Yes. Yes.

-Well, I’d say, if you wanted to replace it, it would cost around 15 katrillion pounds.

-Yes. Right. Thank you.

9:09 p.m.