Heather is on vacation, so I guest posted on Dooce.
I think I said blowjob 453 times in the space of an hour. Then Heather made several references to goat testicles. She also had a rare timid moment when she stopped, squinted up into the stage lights and said, “Am I allowed to cuss?” Like God was going to answer.
Obscenities and phallic references aside, the session went well. That is, once I was able to tune out the live blogger. It’s unsettling enough to be on stage, but try it to a soundtrack of frantic typing that stops whenever you pause for breath. Fortunately, the audience wasn’t full of people I knew in seventh grade, and I wasn’t naked behind a podium, so actually the presentation was better than I could have dreamed.
Afterward, we headed to my very first meet-up, and I had a great time. I’ve never done a meet up before, and (as I mentioned during our presentation) part of me always pictures myself alone in a large warehouse whistling and waiting for someone to show up.
That’s Aimee and Kathryn who, along with Kirsten, chatted with me for most of the meet-up. I’d love to see them all again, plus lots of the others we met. At one point, I was talking to a neuroscience major, and all of the women around the table were like, “You study neuroscience? I’m totally into neuroscience too!” Thereby verifying my suspicion that all of you are total geniuses. If you came out, thank you so much for finding sitters, driving from the far reaches, or overcoming your shyness. It was good to see you.
We fly home today, but there will be lots of photos and a few good stories to come. Canadians are lovely, and Canada is officially checked off my Mighty Life List! Next? The pyramids at sunset! Or possibly making butterscotch pudding from scratch. I’ll keep you posted.
It’s the Shoes
During the two hours we meeted and greeted, Heather stood in these shoes:
In fact, she’d been wearing them since noon, when we left the hotel to present. She did not whine a single time, and only whimpered once.
So the next time you find yourself wondering why you can’t pay your mortgage with your Internet Website, don’t ask yourself where you’d find ten hours a day to take photos of suburban life, balance batteries on your dog’s head, and write detailed essays about Al Roker’s nipples. Ask yourself whether you’d be willing to stand in 5 inch heels for seven hours while greeting 200 people you don’t know.
Next time I present somewhere, I’m wearing 15″ lucite stilettos. I apologize in advance if my feet bleed on you.
Coming to Canada
Are you in Canada right now? OK, stay there for a minute. I’ll be right up.
I’m speaking at Vidfest with Heather Armstrong. (Whose name, incidentally, I can never type without thinking, “Arm strong, feel arm! Heather strong, like ox!” But I digress.)
It’s taken me thirty-two years to get up to Canada, and I cannot wait. Everyone tells me how gorgeous Vancouver is, and how no one locks their doors. As you might imagine, I’m excited to walk around trying all the doors and photographing what’s inside.
While we’re there, my very helpful husband Bryan, arranged a meet-and-greet for me and Heather, and you should come because I want to meet you. Also, if you have one of my books, I will write something nice inside.
Friday night, May 23rd
Dockside Brewing Company
behind the Granville Island Hotel
1253 Johnston Street
Granville Island, Vancouver B.C.V6h 3R9
Please join us.
In other news, regular readers may remember that “Cross the Canadian border” is one of the items on my Mighty Life list (lower left sidebar if you haven’t seen it). The offer to speak at Vidfest was one of the slightly uncanny things that happened right after I posted the list. I’ll tell you about the rest of it later. In the meantime, if anyone has a boat that needs christening, you know who to call.
Heather just published her very first book, Things I Learned About My Dad (in therapy). It’s a collection of essays about fatherhood, and if you ever wondered how I feel about my dad, mine’s in there too. As is Alice’s. In fact, her essay about fatherhood and Star Wars also appeared in this month’s Wondertime magazine. (That’s why I have an 8.5″ x 11″ photo of Alice dressed as Princess Leia stuck to the side of our fridge. Also, one in my night stand drawer, but I digress.)
I’m excited for Heather right now, because I know something very big is about to happen. Sometime soon, a stranger will ask what she does. Instead of saying, “Well… do you read… like… how do I put this. Uh, I’m a blogger?” she can look them straight in the eye and say, “I’m a writer.”
And a damn good one too.
I’m Speaking at SxSW
If you’ll be there, I’m speaking with Heather, and our session is called “Content Boundaries: A 12-Step Program.” Come say hi! I’ll also be signing books nearby in the conference center afterward.
I’m so excited to be back in Austin. Hello mornings at Jos, free booze on the tech industry, mornings gripping my temples and rocking. Good times.
This is my mom group, and they are awesome. Unfortunately, most of them live in different states, which makes playdates difficult, so we spend a lot of time on email. Anyway, I’ve mentioned all of them before, but if you don’t know who they are, you should check out their super-genius sites — Eden is at Fussy, Heather is at Dooce, Melissa is at Suburban Bliss, and Alice is at Finslippy. They will rock you.
He Already Called His Mom
Heather just wrote a hilarious post,“Having Dated Walking Red Flags” inspired by one of the ideas in No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog. If you’re wondering what kinds of ideas are in my book, go have a read. And don’t skip Heather’s comments, they’re enlightening.