Category: categories

Open Letter

Dear Woman Who Just Left This Bathroom Stall,

What the holy hell happened in here? My brain is racing through the possibilities. Did you splay starfish-style against the walls of the stall and misfire from above? Did you decide to practice a little yoga while you had some down time?

Only moments ago, we made eye contact as you passed; I noted your cute shoes. And now here I stand, preparing to wipe one-half-gallon of your urine off my toilet seat.

How was this spatter pattern physically possible? Did you stand over the seat under the misimpression that you have a penis? Clearly you do not have a penis. Territorial drunk men with prostate issues have better aim than you.

If you continue to do this, leave filthy messes for complete strangers despite being in your late thirties, eventually someone will point it out. I hope they will point it out by slamming open the stall, grabbing you by the scruff of your neck, and pushing your nose up to the toilet seat, while shouting, “No! NO! Baaaad stranger! Baaaaaad!”

In the meantime, I’ll be here with half a roll of toilet paper wrapped around my hand, mopping up a grown woman’s pee-pee.

Sincerely,
Margaret Mason

My First Podcast

I recorded a podcast with Megan Morrone and Leo Laporte when Hank was about eight weeks old, and they just posted it as part of their new show, Jumping Monkeys, on the Twit TV network.

Listening to the recording was a trip, because I was so exhausted when we talked that I had almost no recollection of the conversation. I was terrified to hit the play button, because all I remembered saying was that Hank was lulled to sleep by the sound of pubs. “Hello everyone! I’m a new parent, and I enjoy taking my kid to bars!” This is true, of course, but maybe it’s not what I’d have closed with had I been a little more on my game.

Anyway, have a listen. The interview starts a little ways into the show after some site recommendations from Megan.

Sepola!

Sarah Hepola is a better writer than you (and by you, I mean me). Anyway, today we are celebrating because, despite moving to New York where they frown on such things, Sarah’s blogging again! And this time, she’s not just blogging about her life and articles, but also about sex!

Here’s what she has to say about American Idol:

“I start watching, I get addicted, I start shooting American Idol into the soft tissue of my upper thigh.”

Oh, darling, how we’ve missed you.

The Ladies

This is my mom group, and they are awesome. Unfortunately, most of them live in different states, which makes playdates difficult, so we spend a lot of time on email. Anyway, I’ve mentioned all of them before, but if you don’t know who they are, you should check out their super-genius sites — Eden is at Fussy, Heather is at Dooce, Melissa is at Suburban Bliss, and Alice is at Finslippy. They will rock you.

http://www.db798.com/pictobrowser.swf

Educated Guess

In line for coffee, he calls the barista’s name three times — loudly, excitedly. When she finally responds, her face is blank, her voice flat. “Hi,” she says, and turns back to her work.

Dude gets out of line, pretending to look at the café art while waiting for her to engage. Dude will be waiting for quite some time.

Wit, Rapier-Like

Two things Alice said:

1. “Did you see Match Point? The weird thing about Woody Allen is that he’s been doing the same thing his whole life, and obviously has no desire to learn anything about any other profession. So he doesn’t research what he’s writing about. It’ll be a business situation and the characters will be like, ‘Do you business? I also business! I engage at business in an extremely businesslike manner.'”

2. (Reading from a magazine cover) Does He Like You on Top?
“You turn to the article and it’s a two-page spread that just says, ‘Yes.'”