Tag: overheard

Act Natural

Scenario: Two girls at a bar posture in short skirts and camis. One notices a pinball machine.

Girl 1: Oh my god. Amy, I’m such a dork. I have to play a game.

Girl 2: What?

G1: I’m such a dork, I love pinball.

G2: Oh.

G1: I hope no one is watching.

(Looks around exaggeratedly, bends deeply at the waist, and leans one-handed against the machine with hip cocked while she searches for the quarter slot. Her friend sighs.)

G1: I’m such a dork.

G2: Yeah.

Overheard: Entrapment

Scenario: At our favorite Irish pub, the bartender is crying. She has just unwittingly served an underage informant and is receving a citation when we enter. The officer leaves, and for the next hour, the bar is abuzz with the news.

Bartender: (distraught)I thought she was older than me! She looked just like you, Lisa. Like your age. She was all dressed up and she had, like, a work case, like she just got off work.

Barfly 1: That’s dirty pool, man.

Barfly 2: It’s entrapment.

Lisa: Why the hell would the girl agree to do that?

Barfly 2: They probably got her on something.

Barfly 1: Armed robbery or something.

Barfly 2: Exactly.

Barfly 1: They didn’t Mirandize you. You’re innocent! They didn’t give you your Miranda Rights. Right?

Barfly 2: No. They didn’t arrest her. It was just a citation.

Barfly 1: But she admitted guilt. They can’t use that in court. This is San Francisco, man. This is a set up.

Bartender: (Tearing up.) I know. (She begins to phone other bars in the area to warn them that they should be especially strict about carding tonight.)

Barfly 1: This is how we spend our tax money? To catch criminals like you.

Bartender: Yeah.

Barfly 2: You’re so bad.

Bartender: This is like the bar where old people go!

Overheard: Respect on the N

Scenario: The N Line is packed and quiet. Passengers are jammed against each other, the windows, the doors.

Characters: Two men in their early thirties. They are strangers.

Guy 1: Man!

Guy 2: (Gives a low whistle.)

Guy 1: I saw someone assassinated in London. I have a healthy respect for crowds.

Guy 2: (Raises eyebrows, refrains from eye contact.)

Guy 1: Oh yeah. POP! Then the guy just took off running.

Guy 2: (Shifts uncomfortably.)

Guy 1: Respect the crowds.

Overheard: Blue

Two twenty-something women chat over coffee.

This friend of mine knows this girl who’s always like, “What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite kind of car?” Like, she doesn’t engage in conversation, she’s just always asking who your favorite band is or what you’re going to be for Halloween.

Like, next year?

Yeah.

And do you totally go on with it, or do you laugh?

Yeah. I go, “My favorite color is blue, what’s yours?”

Overheard: Fool License

Scenario: Two unclever strangers at the bar in mid-afternoon have a loud conversation across the room from one another. Each would like to impress the cute-girl bartender.

…I can’t believe that. It’s detestable.

Did you say testicle?

What?

Testicle?

Testimal?

No, testicle.

OH! No. I said detestable.

Ha. I like to say that sometimes. Testicle! Just slip it into the conversation and see if anyone notices.

I have a tendency to pop my head up over the edge of my cube and say, “has anyone seen my hands?” That one really gets ’em.

Huh. That’s a good one.

I like to, when I’m coding, you put something in the code that’s completely vulgar and disgusting and see if anyone catches it. That way you know if your code got reviewed.

Huh, I’ve never tried that. That’s a good one.

(Vulgar-code-comments guy turns to cute-girl bartender and addresses her in his best announcer voice. She responds.)

Well, it’s good to have you two in the bar. I’m Carlo, your host! Come by more often.

Wow. It’s not often we have a host.

I’m missing my white suit and plane overhead. And the running midget.

(Brief pause as she ignores him.)

I guess I should get to work drumming up some business for you.

Do. I give you full license.

I’m not fooling anyone.

No. Full. Full license. Like, I give you full authority.

Ohhhh.

Overheard: It’ll Pass

Scenario: Two girls chat on the sidewalk.

-What are you up to tonight?

-I have a date.

-With who?

-A guy I met at a party.

-The little guy?

-No, another guy.

-What party did you meet him at?

-Same party as the little guy.

-So you made out with the little guy, and then went home with some other guy’s number?

-I’m going through a phase.

Clubs That Would Have you as a Member

Scenario: A woman tells her friend why she had to dump the guy.

“The big irony is that I was there first, I was ready, and he pushed me away. Then he was like, ‘I love you… I love the smell of you.’ I felt this huge responsibility. Like, ohmigod this person loves me this much. How can I live up to that?”

Overheard

Scenario: The hostess at the neighborhood breakfast cafe is a very animated sort. While we speculate as to whether she is coked up at 10 a.m., she begins to chat with a couple from out of town. They are waiting for a table. This is a brief snippet of the 15-minute conversation they had until she seated them.

Hostess: So how’d you come across our little place?
Gentleman: Citysearch.

H: Really? That’s great! Great!

G: Yeah, it’s helpful.

H: Yeah! It certainly is! Although, you know, it’s rough with everyone commenting. You know? Anyone can comment.

G: I suppose.

H: Like, I had a couple of people go on there and say something like, “The hostess ruined our meal.” Can you believe?

G: Oh! That’s awful.

H: Yeah, like, “She seated two people who arrived after us.” I mean, come on! They were a party of six, so I had to wait until two tables opened up next to each other!

G: Of course!

H: That’s standard practice! They made it sound like I was out to get them. (nervous laugh)

G: How awful.

(Hostess holds up finger to indicate that she’ll be right back. She seats a few customers, then returns to chat more.)

H: Anyway, then they wrote, “She ruined my birthday.” I mean, tsk! Do I seem like the kind of person who’d set out to ruin someone’s birthday? I’m friendly! Or, I try to be friendly at least, don’t you think?

Gentleman and his wife nod vigorously.

H: Like maybe I didn’t sing happy birthday or something. But trust me, you don’t want to hear me sing. (nervous laugh) I’ll break the windows. (nervous laugh) Anyway, I try to do a good job, but there’s no pleasing some people. It’s too bad they can go out and just tell the world whatever they want.

G: I guess they should have some sort of screening process.

H: Really.