Tag: humor

Don’t

To the woman in the locker room who is standing in front of the mirror, completely nude, slowly rubbing gym-supplied hand cream on her breasts:

Weird. Would you stop that? It couldn’t be more disturbing if you were taking fistfuls of the hand cream and shoving them in your mouth. The rest of us are unsure of your objective. Is this sexual? Ritualistic? An excessive devotion to silky-soft skin?

Even the women who are into other women are freaked out. We think it’s the way your eyes look a little dead, though we can’t be sure, because none of us can bring ourselves to look directly at you. All of us are looking near you, above you, next to you, trying to ascertain if you are, in fact, doing what we think you’re doing.

Yes. It seems that you are.

Hm… Well… Are you still doing it?

Yep.

Kay. That’s weird… What about now…?

Yes. Even now, you are still doing it.

We are all pretty sure that this if it’s something you enjoy is something that you should enjoy in the comfort of your own home. Please go there so the rest of us can blow dry our hair. Thank you.

The Wonders of the Human Brain

In the shower, I realized that I remember the entire theme song from Fight Back with David Horowitz.

FIGHT BACK! Don’t let anyone push you around

FIGHT BACK! Stand up and hold your ground.

And so on.

This got me thinking about other useless things that take up space in my brain, and I started humming theme song to Small Wonder, the witless 80s sitcom about a girl-robot, Vicki, whose family tries to keep her robot identity top secret.

Then I wondered if there was any useful stuff up there, which led me to what I remember from an entire year of high school geometry classes:

If a=b, and b=c, then a=c.

If a+b=c, then c-a=b.

Then I thought, Aveda soap smells just like Fruit Loops.

While You’re Ahead

In search of a portable blender, Josh calls information for REI contact info:

-What city?

-San Francisco.

-Listing?

-REI

-What’s that?

-R-E-I.

-Can you spell that?

-ARR-EEEE-EYE

-Oh! What does that stand for?

-Really egalatarian cicles. (hangs up)

Dirty Talk

This page lists dozens of ways to bypass voice response systems, and it reminded me of a trick my friend Jeff shared with me a while ago. It doesn’t work for every system, but when it does, it’s glorious. It goes like this:

Robot: Please press one to access your account, press two to

Me: Fuck.

Robot: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Can you repeat what you just said?

Me: Fuck.

Robot: I think you said you want to talk to an agent. Is this correct?

Me: Yes.

Agent: Hello! May I have your account number please?

Of course, I’m extra polite once the operator gets on the line, as he or she presumably knows that I got aggressive at the phone. Yet another example of how nastiness is rewarded. Unfortunately, until someone designs a system that reacts similarly when I say Please and Thank You, I’m sticking with the program.

Simple(ton) Pleasures

Something about Belize the soft air, the magical quality of the light, the beer for breakfast–made us more susceptible to awful puns.

Erin would tell a story, Rachel would exclaim, That’s un-Belize-able! and we’d all collapse in riotous laughter. As we passed a vacation home named Maya House, I adopted an Italian accent, That’s-a my-a house! Woo-hoo! Bryan practically had to wipe the tears from the corners of his eyes.

Apparently, everything is more entertaining when you don’t have access to basic cable.

Affection

My sister, my niece and I are looking at photos of our newborn cousins. Bryan and my nephew, Trevor, are wrestling a few feet away. Trevor is shouting C’MON! I CAN TAKE YOU! C’MON! The girls begin to coo over the baby photos, Oooooooh! What a sweetie, and Trevor wanders over to look. His eyes widen, and he says in a loving, high-pitched whisper, Ohhhh! Babies! C’mon, little babies, I could take you!

Hot and Not

-What goes good with the cider?

-Scotch. Or the Maker’s is good too.

-No brown booze. That was the first thing I got sick on, and now I can’t touch it.

-That’s probably for the best.

-I don’t know. I wish I could drink it, it’s kind of a cool-chick thing.

-Eh. I think it can be one of those girls who like things boys want them to like situations. Like, Oh, I almost prefer butt sex.

-Bikini waxes? After the first few times, you barely even feel it!

-Motorcycles.

-Comic books.

-BMX racing.

-Action flicks.

-Video games.

-Making out with other straight chicks.

-I actually love stilettos. I think they can be comfortable once you’ve found the right maker for your foot.

-I don’t really like other women though. They sort of see through my whole deal.

-I just have trouble trusting them.

Milk Shake Etymology

Scenario: Bryan’s extended family has rented a houseboat for a day trip, and the captain puts on a party mix. The kids are sitting on the upper deck drinking microbrews when the speakers start blasting Milk Shake by Kelis.

-Oh, man. Did you see her on Saturday Night Live?

-Awful.

-They turned the music all the way up just to drown her out.

-And it’s not like the song has notes or anything.

-What does milk shake even mean?

-Tits.

-Actually, I think it’s the way you’re shaking or something.

-No, she said in an interview that it was the way you carry yourself.

-I’m pretty sure it’s boobs.

-No, really, I looked it up online.

-That makes sense, because she has no boobs.

-This conversation, I mean this whole situation, is like a comedy sketch about white people.