Good Morning

The woman across the street runs a daycare in her living room. As parents drop their kids off, she keeps the kids from crying by marching around the living room band-leader style. The toddlers clap enthusiastically from their shared playpen.

When the song is nearing its end, the little blonde boy always bends over, sticking his bum up in the air and touching his nose to his knees. He waits for it, waits for it, then leaps up and throws his hands above his head for the crescendo.

We can never move.

Overheard

Scenario: The hostess at the neighborhood breakfast cafe is a very animated sort. While we speculate as to whether she is coked up at 10 a.m., she begins to chat with a couple from out of town. They are waiting for a table. This is a brief snippet of the 15-minute conversation they had until she seated them.

Hostess: So how’d you come across our little place?
Gentleman: Citysearch.

H: Really? That’s great! Great!

G: Yeah, it’s helpful.

H: Yeah! It certainly is! Although, you know, it’s rough with everyone commenting. You know? Anyone can comment.

G: I suppose.

H: Like, I had a couple of people go on there and say something like, “The hostess ruined our meal.” Can you believe?

G: Oh! That’s awful.

H: Yeah, like, “She seated two people who arrived after us.” I mean, come on! They were a party of six, so I had to wait until two tables opened up next to each other!

G: Of course!

H: That’s standard practice! They made it sound like I was out to get them. (nervous laugh)

G: How awful.

(Hostess holds up finger to indicate that she’ll be right back. She seats a few customers, then returns to chat more.)

H: Anyway, then they wrote, “She ruined my birthday.” I mean, tsk! Do I seem like the kind of person who’d set out to ruin someone’s birthday? I’m friendly! Or, I try to be friendly at least, don’t you think?

Gentleman and his wife nod vigorously.

H: Like maybe I didn’t sing happy birthday or something. But trust me, you don’t want to hear me sing. (nervous laugh) I’ll break the windows. (nervous laugh) Anyway, I try to do a good job, but there’s no pleasing some people. It’s too bad they can go out and just tell the world whatever they want.

G: I guess they should have some sort of screening process.

H: Really.

Oomph

  • I read somewhere that when you catch yourself in a behavior you’re trying to break, you should ask yourself, “Am I helping myself right now, or hurting myself?” I’ve found it increasingly easy to change course once I’ve agreed that what I’m doing is destructive. It makes me feel protective. Like, How could I do that to me?
  • “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” –AristotleI tend to spend hours watching back-to-back reruns of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Repeatedly. You?
  • “Winners have simply formed the habit of doing things losers don’t like to do.” –Albert Gray(Things like taking the underwear out of the pants you wore yesterday before you put them on again. )

Wit

Best part of a recent New York Times Magazine article �Sidewalk Socrates.� Sidney Morgenbesser was a professor of philosophy at Columbia known for his quick wit. Philosopher J.L. Austin was giving a talk on the philosophy of language�

�Austin noted that while a double negative amounts to a positive, never does a double positive amount to a negative. From the audience, a familiar nasal voice muttered a dismissive, �Yeah, yeah.�

Ebay

Electric Chair Goggles

“I was told that these are a pair of restraint goggles for the unlucky inmate that was strapped into the electric chair – they are very old and made out of leather and metal – they were affixed to the person after he was locked into Ol Sparky – just before the switch is thrown the spring loaded flip lens is closed so that he sees nothing.”

Big Bag of Hair

“This item consists of a tall kitchen bag full of human hair! The hair was collected over the course of a few weeks at Famous Barber John’s of El Dorado Hills California. There is no telling just how many people contributed to this bag.”

Human Remains Body Bag

“Use for whatever you like.”

Paper Baby

“This is a Similac die cut card Baby model dated 1958.”

Elvis Water Cup Used Onstage

“I’m sure that many of you have read or heard about my recent Elvis water from his onstage cup auction which was a sealed GLASS bottle with water from Elvis’ cup that he drank from while onstage in Charlotte,NC 2/21/1977..

3-4 tablespoons sold for $ 455.00 on Christmas Day…

During the past week…there has been nationwide interest in the water….but even more interest was shown in the cup…”

Jane Masfield Hot Water Bottle

“She has, as to be expected, some wear on her high spots…”

KKK Robe

“A nice collectible of the KKK”

(I shit you not. It says “nice.”)

Brothel Locating Compass

“Founded in 1844, the Chicken Ranch operated in peaceful coexistence with the law and the small town of La Grange, Texas throughout its entire 129-year history. In fact at the time of it’s closing, it was the oldest continually operating brothel in the nation. The real-life brothel got the name The Chicken Ranch during the depression because, when the men couldn’t afford the $3 cost of a visit to the house, the girls began accepting poultry as payment for their services.

The Chicken Ranch continued operating successfully until mid-1973, when consumer-affairs reporter Marvin Zindler from KTRK-TV in Houston ran a week long expos� on the ranch and what really went on behind closed doors.

The doors were finally shut forever on August 1, 1973 however because of its former reputation customers showed up for more than two years still looking for the place.”

Santarchy

There were hundreds of us. We were inebriated, dressed like Santas, and getting ready for a game of dodgeball on the green. Then the church bells started to ring.

All of us looked up. A new bride and her groom were making their way across the park. En masse, we stumbled toward her and her $3,000 gown.

“HO! HO! HO!,” we chanted menacingly. “HO!HO!HO!”

At least a year of planning, seven bridesmaids with seven updos, perfect lipstick, perfect nails, and hundreds of willful Santas. The photographer was giddy. The bride bared her teeth in a rough approximation of a smile; fear radiated from her eyes. We were not part of the plan.

She eventually realized we were harmless. You’ll find a photo of the happy couple amongst this batch. (She’s the one in white.) I also posted some photos to my flickr photostream.

Devil in the Details: Virtual Book Tour

So, I’ve told you before that my friend Jennifer Traig just wrote a very amusing book called Devil in the Details — my favorite excerpts are here. Today is her virtual book tour, and because this site is totally virtual, and because Jenny’s book is amusing and deserves to be very successful (buy it!), I’m posting a brief interview with her.

I met Jenny at 826 Valencia, where we both volunteer. She was wearing a suede skirt with a colorful, yet tasteful, suede village affixed to the front. She has great big hair and great big eyes, and a little tiny voice.

MG: I had no idea you that you suffered from OCD until I read the book. Has it been strange telling the world?

JT: Oh, heavens yes. I wonder what I was thinking almost every day. It�s very odd knowing that people are watching me for little obsessive-compulsive quirks now, even though I�m pretty much all better. I�m very self-conscious about what I do with my hands in public these days — does it look like I�m washing too often? Will people think I�m trying to avoid touching something? But ultimately, I�m not really embarrassed about it. OCD is a disease like diabetes or any other and there�s no shame in it. Though needing to tap doorknobs is slightly weirder than needing to inject insulin.

MG: How has your family reacted to having their lives on display?

JT: They�ve been amazingly good sports. Really, unbelievably great. At one reading they all sat on stage with me and then offered a rebuttal. I keep saying I�m going to get them great holiday presents this year to thank them. I better pony up.

My sister, meanwhile, has her own book coming out in February. You can see a preview here.

MG: How did you manage to get your OCD under
control?

JT: My senior year of high school was spent in pretty intensive therapy. This was before drugs like Prozac that would have made the process much easier, but I got better anyway. By the time I started college I was ready to let go of the few little compulsions I still had.

I thought I was completely cured until I started doing the research for this book. It turns out that some of my charming little habits, like needing to walk on the left side, aren�t charming habits but compulsive behaviors, little remnants of the disease. They don�t really impact my quality of life, though, so I let them go untreated.

MG: How did you learn to laugh at your idiosyncrasies?

JT: I took myself pretty seriously at my obsessive-compulsive worst, but even then I�d sometimes make a joke at my own expense if I thought it would get me out of trouble. That was sort of how things worked in our family: A great one-liner would really mitigate any parental discipline. Then as I got older and healthier it started seeming funnier and funnier. Paper towels on my head? Oh, yes, I could see the humor in that.

MG: Tell a story about one of your readings.

JT: There have been a few funny ones, like when a whole high school class came for extra-credit and I had to sign everyone�s homework to prove they�d attended. But the strangest one — and I think you may have been there — was when this lady, who clearly hadn�t heard of me or my book, kept charging the podium to have one-on-one discussions with me in the middle of my reading. It was very odd.

MG: You’ve written a memoir in your 30s. Where do you go from here?

JT: Oh, there are a whole bunch more things wrong with me. I�ve got plenty of embarrassing conditions left to write about. Next up: skin rashes!

MG: So, would you like people to buy your book?

JT: Yes, I would like people to buy my book.

You heard the lady, friends. Amazon beckons.

(Thanks to very organized Kevin Smokler for putting all this together.)