Bryan: What are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Ryan Cabrera
Bryan: Who’s that?
Me: Ashlee Simpson’s boyfriend.
Bryan: I’m already forgetting that.
Me: RYAN CABRERA!
Rachel: Ryan Cabrera.
Me: Ryyyaaaan Cabrera.
Bryan: Shit.
At the Burlesque Show
-I could do this with my hands tied behind my back.
-You think?
-No, I’m saying that’s how I’d improve upon it. Do it with my hands tied behind my back.
-Ah. You could charge more.
Path of Righteousness
At the bar, someone mentions the possibility of the pope dying, and Rachel crosses herself.
Me: What was that last thing you did? After you crossed yourself?
Rachel: I was trying to clasp my hands in prayer, but the beer got in the way.
Valentine’s Gift Guide
I put together some Valentine’s gift ideas for The Morning News and Mighty Goods. Go buy your sweetie something nice.
Clubs That Would Have you as a Member
Scenario: A woman tells her friend why she had to dump the guy.
“The big irony is that I was there first, I was ready, and he pushed me away. Then he was like, ‘I love you… I love the smell of you.’ I felt this huge responsibility. Like, ohmigod this person loves me this much. How can I live up to that?”
Something to Crow About
The Morning News is holding its first annual tournament of books, and I’m one of the judges. Tune in to see whose book is awarded the coveted Rooster.
Elsewhere
I did another At Auction piece for the New York Times, “Warm Cookies Baked for Cold, Hard Cash.” Please go read it.
Ebay: the End is Nigh
“Is it a boy? Is it a girl? It may be both. This auction is for a genuine real two headed baby calf. Died shortly after birth and owner had it mounted. Was taken to taxidermist who confirmed it was authentic. You can’t get this at Walmart.”
“While at work a coworker purchased some chocolate covered peanuts from a gumball type machine. (You know those machines that all stores have by the entrance to get your children to buy a handful of sugar!!) In that handful of M&M this piece of candy stood out, because it was different. After showing it to several coworkers, some made the comment that they could see an image. Some could see Jesus other people have viewed the item and thought it looked more like Jay Leno, Elvis or other images. In this crazy world of ours there are a lot of people claiming to have images found all around them, so why is it not possible that the beholder could not see Jesus in this.”
Ouch
This woman on the sidewalk has two black eyes. A large butterfly bandage bridges her nose, extends up over her eyebrows, and reaches down near the corners of her mouth. I smile at her. She gives me an exaggerated apologetic look, as though she’s offended me by passing.
Mighty Girl 