Tag: humor

Cease and Desist

Me: Yeah, I always thought he was a little off.

F: I think you’re right about that. It started to sink in when he’s telling me about this dress shirt he has, right?

Me: Yeah.

F: And it’s velour. . .

Me: K . . .

F: And he’s telling me about how he tie dyed it.

Me: What the?

F: Yeah, yeah, wait, it gets better.

Me: K. . .

F: It has a picture of The Golden Gate Bridge on the back.

Me: What? What.

F: Yeah. Yeah.

Me: Oh noooh.

F: Yeah, and he’s, like, proud of this, like telling me exactly how he did it.

Me: Aaa! Ack!

F: So I’m like, “No. No. You must stop talking about this.” ‘Cause sometimes they need that, you know? I think sometimes they like that.

Me: Boundaries.

F: Exactly. But he keeps on talking! He’s like, “Well, you know I tie dyed it so it looked . . .” And I’m like (shakes head), “Uh-uh. Uh-uh. You must stop with the talk about this shirt.”

Time on Your Hands

Someone didn’t clean up after their dog. Someone else took a very small piece of paper, glued it to a toothpick, and inserted it into the mess. The mini picket sign reads, Step in me!
Everyone has their hobbies.

Prince Albert in a Can

L: I used to work for this company called Emerging Growth Management.

Me: What?

L: It was a financial company.

Me: Oh.

L: All my friends would call and say, “Hi, I have an emerging growth. Can you manage it?”

Me: That’s hilarious.

L: It is pretty funny.

Me: Less so after the 134th time.

L: Yeah.

B: All my friends used to work in theater, and whenever one of them got a booking gig, we’d call up to harass them. (thick New York accent) “Hi. This is Javier Abramowitz. I got an act with two cockatiels and some twine. You book that kinda thing?”

Better with Bacon

B: Have you heard of this Go-gurt crap?

L: Yeah.

J: What? What are they talking about?

Me: It’s like yogurt in a tube so you can throw it in your backpack and go!

B: Every time I see those ads, I want everyone involved fired.

Me: Worst idea ever.

L: They should make ranch-flavored. With beef bits.

Me: Aaaaaa. Jerky-ranch.

L: Or with baco-bits. They stay crispy! How do they do that?

Observant

L: I’m taking off my shoes now.

Me: OK.

L: I’ve got some good-looking feet.

Me: You do have good feet. They’re little. What size do you wear?

L: Eight.

Me: Really? They look smaller.

L: I was kidding, but at least all my toes are the right length. You know?

Me: No.

L: I can’t stand the girls who have those extra-long second toes and they still wear sandals.

Me: I have monkey toes.

L: I don’t mean long, I mean uneven.

Me: What?

L: You know what I’m talking about. The second toe is way longer than the first toe, and it’s actually sticking out over the edge of their sandal.

Me: I have never noticed that.

L: You haven’t? Oh my god. It freaks me out. Sometimes both of the next two toes are longer than the big toe. It’s like creepy spider toes crawling out over the edge of the sandal. Yeeeeh. Why would you wear sandals knowing that you have this problem?

The Go Ahead

J: I have a good story.

Me: Tell it.

J: I’m not sure if it’s really acceptable dinner conversation.

Me: Oh, who cares? Tell it.

J: OK. So my balls were really itching, right?�

And Salt Will Take Care of That Stain

Me: Man, I can’t keep my hands off these stupid things.

Her: What are they?

Me: Molasses chips, they’re like toffee.

Her: Oooo. They have dark chocolate ones too.

Me: Yep. They’re good with red wine. Pretty inexpensive too. They make great hostess gifts.

Her: Hostess gifts? You’re so

Me: I know.

Which reminds me of a joke Rosecrans sent me the other day after receiving thank-you note #601 from me:

Why don’t WASPs have orgies?

Too many thank you notes.