Famous among dozens
Excerpted from Nothing’s Shocking by Dennis A. Mahoney:
“We’re left with 100-pound weaklings like Eminem kicking sand in our faces. In his latest single, ‘Without Me,’ the wild rapper hits controversial targets like TRL, techno music, and Saddam Hussein. Oh shit — did he just slam Iraq? White boy crazy.“
I just got back from Colorado, home of The Melting Pot, an all-fondue restaurant. How many times have you thought, “This food just isn’t melted enough. Where can I go for more glutinous culinary options?” Colorado, my friends, land of cheese and honey. And if you’d like a nightcap after a satisfyingly runny meal? Locals head over to Prom Discount Liquors (for all of their underage drinking needs).
“Chagrin and Men I Have Loved,” I wrote a new piece for the Morning News.
We went on a hike in Lassen National Park this last weekend. (Hike is a euphemism for seven hours of off-trail snow plowing in running shoes while clinging to the nice young man with the GPS.) Some favorite things from the trip up:
Jim Carrey was wearing a tweed suit and covering himself in chocolate-chip-cookie dough. He danced around on court at a basketball game, and then he scraped the cookie dough from his body, baked the cookies, and sold them for five bucks a pop. Proceeds went to the homeless.
SPEAKING OF FUNDRAISERS
If you live in San Francisco, you should go to the 826 Valencia fundraiser tonight. It’s from 6:30 p.m. to 10 p.m., $10 at the door, and the proceeds go to Dave Egger’s writing workshops for kids. Mr. Eggers himself will be there, and they’ll also be celebrating the release of McSweeney’s Issue #8. All the cool kids are going. Also, there will be chips.
Me: Oh my God. They have individual little snack-size packs of ranch dressing now. Americans are disgusting. Is it too exhausting to pour it out of the bottle so you can dip stuff in it?
Guy 1: No, no. The foil tops make it easier to stick a straw in.
Me: Ha! Why don’t we just mainline it?
Guy 2: (Announcer voice) Are you tired of all those pesky ranch delivery vehicles?
Me: The baby carrots have too much texture. Celery detracts from the pure ranch experience.
Guy 1: Awesome.
LUNCH NEAR THE CONVENTION CENTER
Me: What do their badges say?
Guy 1: Digestive Disease Week.
Me: What the hell? It’s a conference?
Guy 2: Apparently.
Guy 1: Gotta go guys, I’m off to the Unusual Tongue Growths Panel.
Girl 1: Can we have lunch later? I don’t want to miss the Esophageal Extension Roundtable.
Guy 1: I can’t wait for the Ulcerous Cavities Birds of a Feather!
Me: I think they heard you.
Scenario: Homeless man approaches woman waiting for the bus.
HM: Hi, Lorraine!
Lorraine: Hi.
HM: Think it’ll rain today, Lorraine?
L: Maybe.
HM: Maybe it’ll rain, Lorraine?
L: Maybe it will.
HM: Because it’s like “rain” from Lorraine. Then “lor” like “folklore,” like it might be true. So maybe it’ll rain, Lorraine.
L: Yep.
HM: Do you understand me?
L: Yes.
HM: Really?
L: Well, not all the time.
HM: We need cue cards like they have on I Love Lucy with Desi Arnaz.
I passed a store window in the Castro that featured a pair of socks with the slogan “I (heart) my penis” embroidered on each one. I must have them.
On my way to the mailbox, I sighed and stepped over a baby bird that had fallen from his nest to the sidewalk. A few moments later, I noticed a well-dressed man walking in my direction. I could see from half a block away that he was talking to himself. We had just passed one another when I heard him mutter, “I’m still lonely.” So that was a bummer.
Have you ever tried Pepto-Bismol? Even the name sounds like someone vomiting. Bismol. Biiiismmooooohhhhl. But when I’m about hoik up my intestines, I always think to myself, “Boy, howdy! What I could use right now is a nice little plastic cup brimming with pink, minty, viscous fluid.”
Mighty Girl 