Spooky

“Our Town”, my latest piece for the Morning News, is a creepy article about real towns where weird stuff happens. I came across a few odd things while researching the article. None of them were quite right for the piece, but they were cool nonetheless.

For example, the Bonne Terre Mine in Missouri fell into disuse in 1962. Groundwater flooded the tunnels, and today they’re open to divers who swim down to see old train tracks and carts, steam-powered jackhammers, and abandoned mining equipment.

An old missile silo in Texas is another attraction for divers. The once top-secret underground bunker used to contain nuclear weapons, but the concrete silo now contains a quiet well of groundwater. Divers enter the complex by descending a long staircase, passing through several blast doors and the launch control bunker, and entering a tunnel that leads them to the silo. From there they enter the deep pool of water, which is 52 feet wide. A pile of metal debris and the missile control station wait below, 18 stories underwater.

Unique Fixer Upper Opportunity

I’m going to start doing reviews for filmcritic.com. Unfortunately, filmcritic.com is ugly. I had the following conversation with Chris:

Dude, your site is ugga-ugga.

No it’s not!

It’s mauve. With yellow type.

It’s burgundy. It’s not ugly.

What is this font?

It’s all messed up because you’re using a Mac.

As are many people who care about site design.

It’s not mauve.

It’s offensive.

Well then, redesign it. I’m not a designer.

Me neither, but it’s a good site. I bet I could find someone who would do it for free.

Really?

Maybe. It gets a lot of traffic.

O.K.

This is not some rinkydink site. It gets about 35,000 hits a day and has been mentioned in CNN, Yahoo! Internet Life, HotWired, B!Zine, and regularly appears on Yahoo! Movies. Also, it is mauve. I know there are designers, art directors, and information architects in the Bay Area who are spending much of the day watching Dukes of Hazzard and updating their blogs. Anyone feel like doing a makeover? This would be a colossal before/after portfolio piece. I will bring you baked goods, and Chris will be generally kind to you. Email if you’re interested.

Addendum: We found someone. Quickly. I was shocked and heartened by how many generous offers flooded my inbox. You guys are the best. Thanks to everyone who responded. I wish I could bake for each and every one of you, but that would be more flour than I could safely cart home from the grocery store. The dirty work goes to Mike Monteiro of Mule Design (you may know him as Henry’s dad). He’s swell, and therefore, he deserves some biscuits. Thanks again to all of you who wrote.

Now That’s Science

Think of the people you know who have ancestors of ethnicities that don’t generally make babies together. Why are these people often more attractive than the rest of us? My theory is this: If you’re going to jump the race barriers and take on all the cultural crud that makes interracial dating so difficult, you’re only going to do it for someone who’s really, really hot.

I Can Only Hope Not

Email subject header:

Maggie, do we have a synergy?


NO MONEY

Two old men stand on the streetcar island waiting to board. One is wearing a straw fedora, the other a newsie cap.

Man 1: I ain’t got not money. You got money?

Man 2: (Shrugs.) Guess we got to walk then.

Both: Hahahahahahaha.

(Short quiet conversation with bus driver ensues. The men climb aboard.)

M1: Hey, who’s that girl I saw you with?

M2: Who dat?

M1: The girl in the park.

M2: Oh.

M1: That Romie?

M2: Yeah.

M1: So Wapbopadeebot?

M2: HA! Yeah, man. Wapbopadeebot. It’s birthday time.

Both: Hahahahahaha

M1: You know Tony Bennet sang that song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco?

M2: What about it?

M1: Well you left your heart in…

Both: hahahhahaha

M2: Man, I ain’t got no heart. Jus somethin poppin in my chest.

Both: hahahaha

M2: Streetcar Named Desire more like it.

(They sigh together.)

M2: Man, I don’t even care. I’m on vacation. I got me a week off.

M1: Where you goin?

M2: To sleep.

M1: Sleep is right. You doin a lot of sleepin.

M2: Yesiree Bob.

Gay Pride Week

I’m sifting through the handbags in my favorite Mission thrift store, when the man next to me taps my shoulder. He’s attractive, well-dressed, late forties.

Him: Excuse me, can I ask your advice?

Me: Sure.

(He holds up a feminine red blazer and two purses.)

Him: Which of these purses goes better with this blazer?

Me: Well, the left one won’t work because the reds don’t match, and the one on the right is a little crazy. Is the woman artistic?

Him: I sure am.

Me: So, you’re the woman.

Him: Yep.

Me: Then it’s perfect. Have a fun weekend.


ONLY YOU

This morning I noticed a smoldering cigarette in the street. As most of the western United States is on fire right now, I walked a few steps over and crushed it with my toe. Then I realized how silly the impulse was. It’s not as if the asphalt were about to ignite. For a moment, it made me a little sad to live in a place where nothing burns.


MASTER OF MY DOMAIN

I’m way too excited about this. Two days ago, I successfully registered mightygirl.org and mightygirl.com. Triumviratacious. Troikarama.

Minority Report

I liked this movie. Tom Cruise looks good bald. This means that we can look forward to watching him decay onscreen as he’s paired with increasingly attractive 19-year-old leading ladies.

Hootenanny (Or Thanks, Mr. Dave)

Saturday night, I went to see Chris Isaak and Natalie Merchant at the Chronicle Pavillion in Concord. Ms. Merchant, you may be surprised to learn, is a mover. She bends at the waist, rips her head back and forth, and uses her elbows to do a convincing airplane propeller imitation. It’s fascinating and somewhat terrifying. I wanted to catch her head and say, Natalie, Natalie, you’ll need your neck in the morning, love. Stay away from that bad man with the Minithins.

Chris Issak is so much the better once you have a good wine buzz. This was easy to come by, as the walking vendors were selling carafes of red wine. I shit you not. This was when I knew I’d landed squarely in my target demographic, and I went down without the slightest struggle. The audience was a sea of happily bouncing white thirtysomethings wrapped in fleecy goodness. I had my Calvin Klien Jeans, a cellphone in my pocket, and a general sense of goodwill. I’ll be expecting my Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail next week.