Congrats Rachel and Rosecrans!

We just left North Carolina. I’ve never been in the South before. It’s prettier over here, and the barbeque is better.

As you might expect, I’m eating a lot of fried stuff. Also, I don’t know what anything is. The waitress looked confused when I asked her what hush puppies were. The girl at the coffee shop was amazed when I asked what was in a moon pie. The girl at the breakfast place heartily recommended that I have the cheese grits instead of the regular grits. I can’t imagine that the cheese made much of a difference.

We crossed the border into Virginia late last night and spent two hours this morning trying to find a place to get an Internet connection. Finally we found WebCity. I’m currently sitting in a dark room with five guys who’ve been talking about how much ammo they have stored, how much they got paid for not killing that one guy, and so on, for the last hour.

Day Hike

Me: Which way should we go?

Ali: Let me check the map.

(Older male jogger appears on the trail.)

Me: Excuse me. Which trail leads back to the trailhead?

Him: Heh. You ever seen Deliverance?

Me: Yes.

Him: “You’re a long ways from home son.”

Me: Huh.

Him: I’m thinking of that toothless guy.

(Ali and I exchange glances.)

Me: Do you know which way leads to the trailhead?

Him: Yep. You take the trail on the left, cross a bridge, it’ll fork off to the right, but you don’t wanna go that way. Just keep going straight.

Ali: Thanks.

Him: No problem.

(He hesitates, then jogs off.)

Me: Yeah. Word to the wise, fella. When you come across two women alone in the woods, the Deliverance jokes aren’t gonna make an entirely favorable impression.

Ali: Seriously.

Me: Is my pocketknife in the pack?

Ali: I think so.

Me: I’m just gonna grab that.

Overheard

Scenario: Crowded mid-day bus.

Characters: Two men, one at the front of the bus, one near the back. Perhaps homeless, perhaps just a bit off.

Man 1: (Begins yelling suddenly.) K-JAMS on WYMX. WE GOTTA GRRRREEEAT SHOW FOR YOU FOLKS.

Man 2: Ha! Ha! That’s right!

Man 1: That’s right!

Man 2: Hey! Heeeeey! You know Lisa Jones?

Man 1: Yeah.

Man 2: Yeah!

Man 1: She fiddy.

Man 2: What that?

Man 1: She fiddy.

Man 2: She filthy?

Man1: Yeah.

Man 2: She ain’t filthy. She got money.

Man 1: No she ain’t.

Man 2: She got money. She got money. Get back here.

Man 1: All right.

(The two converse mostly inaudibly, except for occasional mimicry of various radio announcers.)

Man 1: This my stop.

Man 2: You gettin’ off?

Man 1: Yeah.

Man 2: No you ain’t. You gettin off up here where they got the restaurant.

Man 1: No. I got to get off. I got to get me a new T-shirt up here. One I got on all wet ’cause I spilled water on it this… this little bit earlier. I got to get a new one.

(Disembarks.)

Man 2: (Obviously annoyed. Loud.)You got to take a bath. That’s what you got to do. ‘Cause you smell. Smelly sonofabitch. I just washed up this morning. I took three showers. I wash my hair like three times with the soap, used the body wash, everything. Everything. I shampoo like three times, like five times. Like ten times! I got to make sure I smell nice.

Sunday

I only spent about ten minutes at Bay to Breakers this year. The best thing I saw was a guy sitting in a wheelchair, naked from the waist down, walking the chair up the street with his feet.

Later that day, I went to visit my grandmother.

FOOTRACE

Wanna come with us to Bay to Breakers?

I’m going.

Cool, wanna pull a keg with us?

Actually, I’m running it.

You’re running it? …Without beer?

Overheard

Scenario: Bus commute at about 9:30 a.m.

Characters: Two middle-aged men.

Guy 1: A lot of people are late for work today.

Guy 2: Oh, it seems like there’s a whole bunch of people who are on this schedule.

Guy 1: Or maybe a lot of people are late for work today.

Guy 2: By an hour?

(angry silence)

Guy 2: What are you doing for lunch?

Curiouser and Curiouser

Curiosa is fascinating. It’s by an artist who collects the detritus of fame, death, and other aspects of life, and groups them in interesting ways. He has a communion wafer from JFK’s funeral, a straw with Monica Lewinsky’s lipstick from the Barbara Walters interview, mortician’s eye caps (which are sharp on one side to keep a corpse’s eyes from popping open), and countless other bits of not-quite-trash. Amazing.