Category: My Life

Overheard

Scenario: The hostess at the neighborhood breakfast cafe is a very animated sort. While we speculate as to whether she is coked up at 10 a.m., she begins to chat with a couple from out of town. They are waiting for a table. This is a brief snippet of the 15-minute conversation they had until she seated them.

Hostess: So how’d you come across our little place?
Gentleman: Citysearch.

H: Really? That’s great! Great!

G: Yeah, it’s helpful.

H: Yeah! It certainly is! Although, you know, it’s rough with everyone commenting. You know? Anyone can comment.

G: I suppose.

H: Like, I had a couple of people go on there and say something like, “The hostess ruined our meal.” Can you believe?

G: Oh! That’s awful.

H: Yeah, like, “She seated two people who arrived after us.” I mean, come on! They were a party of six, so I had to wait until two tables opened up next to each other!

G: Of course!

H: That’s standard practice! They made it sound like I was out to get them. (nervous laugh)

G: How awful.

(Hostess holds up finger to indicate that she’ll be right back. She seats a few customers, then returns to chat more.)

H: Anyway, then they wrote, “She ruined my birthday.” I mean, tsk! Do I seem like the kind of person who’d set out to ruin someone’s birthday? I’m friendly! Or, I try to be friendly at least, don’t you think?

Gentleman and his wife nod vigorously.

H: Like maybe I didn’t sing happy birthday or something. But trust me, you don’t want to hear me sing. (nervous laugh) I’ll break the windows. (nervous laugh) Anyway, I try to do a good job, but there’s no pleasing some people. It’s too bad they can go out and just tell the world whatever they want.

G: I guess they should have some sort of screening process.

H: Really.

Oomph

  • I read somewhere that when you catch yourself in a behavior you’re trying to break, you should ask yourself, “Am I helping myself right now, or hurting myself?” I’ve found it increasingly easy to change course once I’ve agreed that what I’m doing is destructive. It makes me feel protective. Like, How could I do that to me?
  • “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” –AristotleI tend to spend hours watching back-to-back reruns of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Repeatedly. You?
  • “Winners have simply formed the habit of doing things losers don’t like to do.” –Albert Gray(Things like taking the underwear out of the pants you wore yesterday before you put them on again. )

Ebay

Electric Chair Goggles

“I was told that these are a pair of restraint goggles for the unlucky inmate that was strapped into the electric chair – they are very old and made out of leather and metal – they were affixed to the person after he was locked into Ol Sparky – just before the switch is thrown the spring loaded flip lens is closed so that he sees nothing.”

Big Bag of Hair

“This item consists of a tall kitchen bag full of human hair! The hair was collected over the course of a few weeks at Famous Barber John’s of El Dorado Hills California. There is no telling just how many people contributed to this bag.”

Human Remains Body Bag

“Use for whatever you like.”

Paper Baby

“This is a Similac die cut card Baby model dated 1958.”

Elvis Water Cup Used Onstage

“I’m sure that many of you have read or heard about my recent Elvis water from his onstage cup auction which was a sealed GLASS bottle with water from Elvis’ cup that he drank from while onstage in Charlotte,NC 2/21/1977..

3-4 tablespoons sold for $ 455.00 on Christmas Day…

During the past week…there has been nationwide interest in the water….but even more interest was shown in the cup…”

Jane Masfield Hot Water Bottle

“She has, as to be expected, some wear on her high spots…”

KKK Robe

“A nice collectible of the KKK”

(I shit you not. It says “nice.”)

Brothel Locating Compass

“Founded in 1844, the Chicken Ranch operated in peaceful coexistence with the law and the small town of La Grange, Texas throughout its entire 129-year history. In fact at the time of it’s closing, it was the oldest continually operating brothel in the nation. The real-life brothel got the name The Chicken Ranch during the depression because, when the men couldn’t afford the $3 cost of a visit to the house, the girls began accepting poultry as payment for their services.

The Chicken Ranch continued operating successfully until mid-1973, when consumer-affairs reporter Marvin Zindler from KTRK-TV in Houston ran a week long expos� on the ranch and what really went on behind closed doors.

The doors were finally shut forever on August 1, 1973 however because of its former reputation customers showed up for more than two years still looking for the place.”

Santarchy

There were hundreds of us. We were inebriated, dressed like Santas, and getting ready for a game of dodgeball on the green. Then the church bells started to ring.

All of us looked up. A new bride and her groom were making their way across the park. En masse, we stumbled toward her and her $3,000 gown.

“HO! HO! HO!,” we chanted menacingly. “HO!HO!HO!”

At least a year of planning, seven bridesmaids with seven updos, perfect lipstick, perfect nails, and hundreds of willful Santas. The photographer was giddy. The bride bared her teeth in a rough approximation of a smile; fear radiated from her eyes. We were not part of the plan.

She eventually realized we were harmless. You’ll find a photo of the happy couple amongst this batch. (She’s the one in white.) I also posted some photos to my flickr photostream.

Role Reversal

You know how a roomful of adults can be struck dumb by a baby in the room? Babytainment is better than fireworks.

The Dance Along Nutcracker is the only event I’ve ever been to where the roles are utterly reversed. The kids stand frozen and slack-jawed, mesmerized by the adults capering around in rented tutus.

Competitive Sports

This girl in yoga class is impeccable. Her body is aligned, her hands touch the floor, her head rests on her knees. The instructor aids everyone else, adjusting their position, giving them tips, but he leaves her be. That is, until the portion of class where we lay down and cover ourselves with a warm blanket. Then, he leans over her gently. “You’re holding some tension in your shoulders. Yes. Let the muscles in your face go…”

Apparently, she sucks at laying on the floor.

Alarming

On the train, there is a sign. “If anything doesn’t look right, let us know.” Next to the sign, there is a middle-aged man. He is wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt with leaping dolphins airbrushed on the front.

Helpful

Dear Container Store,

Yesterday, I stopped by for some peaceful pre-holiday browsing. At the door, two greeters wished to know how I was doing and offered to help me find something. I smiled and answered that I was just browsing.

I proceeded to your “stocking stuffer” table. There an employee complimented my sweater. I thanked her. She then explained the intricacies of your stocking stuffer table, the purpose of which, apparently, is to group all of your stocking stuffers on tables located throughout the store so I could find them more easily. She offered me a catalog. She explained that each table had different options, and again complimented my sweater. I nodded, and thanked her. She continued to compliment my sweater. It was, she said, a color that also looked nice on her daughter. Yes, I said, and continued upstairs.

There I met another employee. She told me about the stocking stuffer tables. Apparently, all of the stocking stuffers are grouped on said tables, so I can find them more easily. She proffered a catalog. I told her I already had one. She asked if I needed help finding anything. I told her I was just browsing. She told me to let her know if I needed anything. I told her I was just browsing. She told me to enjoy the store.

I looked beneath the table at some items stored there. Another clerk was passing. He said, “Are you looking for the Cap zapper?” I was not. He scooped one up from the table, and handed it to me. I took it from him; then put it back on the table when he had left.

In the next aisle, a gentleman clerk spotted me. I avoided eye contact. He walked over, stood next to me, and began to straighten a perfectly arranged display. I turned away from him. He began to mutter under his breath. “That doesn’t go here. We’ll just put that over there.” I continued to ignore him aggressively. Emboldened, he said, “Say, can I help you find anything?” Without turning toward him, I said no. Thank you. “Has anyone told you about our new holiday line?” he asked. I said yes. He said that if I needed any help, he’d be happy to oblige.

In the next ten minutes, I received three more offers of help. When I picked up an item no larger than my palm, two clerks offered me shopping baskets.

Container Store? Get off my back.

I can find my own damn shelf extender. Tell your clerks to stand down, before I knock one unconscious with a Keepsake Shadow Box.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Maggie Mason

What I Know for Sure

This weekend, we went sledding with my niece and nephew. Having grown up in California, I’d sledded exactly once before. I was around eight. What I learned yesterday is that sledding on your stomach is better before you’ve developed breasts.