Category: My Life

And Dusty Potpourri

Sarah and I are shopping when we see a necklace fashioned of afghan squares and bits of chain. We wonder at its hideousness, its ability to pull attractive things from the surroundings and make them ugly by sheer proximity. Sarah shakes her head, “The person who made this has a house that smells like cats.”

It’s a Beautiful Town

We had a great time in New York, mostly because of all our amazing friends there, but the first few days were rough:

I decide to take an afternoon nap while Bryan explores New York. I return to our room, strip down to my skivvies, and climb in bed. Something is amiss. Are the sheets still damp from the wash? I sweep my hands outward to test my theory when I feel something wet soaking through the back of my underwear. I leap up in a panic and see a giant wet spot on the bed just before I tear my underwear off and run to the shower. There I scrub until my skin is gone.

A few hours later, we are in a cab. I am admiring the city lights when I smell vomit. “Bryan,” I say. “I smell vomit.” He sniffs. “I don’t,” he says. I sniff again. “Yeah, it’s pretty distinct. Maybe it’s on my side,” I say. This is when I realize that the vomit is on my seatbelt. The one I’m wearing.

The next morning we are walking along Central Park near the hansome cabs. There are dozens of horses, and all of them are shitting and pissing in the street or in canvas collection tarps attached to their haunches. From the smell, I’d say they’ve been doing this for years, perhaps centuries. The stench of asphalt-baked piss, ammonia, and rotting horse dung is so overpowering that I actually begin to gag in the street. I’m stumbling forward, trying to outpace the stench while doubled over, heaving.

Then we went for lunch.

Cravings

-We could not locate a decent banana split anywhere.
-That’s the thing about New York. It’s like the world is at your fingertips, but sometimes it’s hard to find just the basic things.
-Like a decent apartment.
-Or someone to love.

Robbing You Kind

While we were away, someone stole the radio out of our car. The thief gingerly picked the door lock with a bobby pin, nudged out the radio, unplugged it (leaving no damage to the dash), and then re-locked the doors before leaving.

You know you’ve been in the city too long when you feel grateful to the person who robbed you.

Soon

Today’s baby update email says “your belly may soon be big enough to announce to the world that you’re expecting.”

Soon? Soon?! Eat it, baby update. Strangers have been offering me seats and pointing out uneven spots on the floor for three weeks. Everyone is making twin jokes, which by the way are hilarious. Hilarious in a way that makes you cry and cry and cry.

Other things that are making me cry include:

– The Jetta commercial where the two guys crash and fly forward into the air bags. But then they’re OK! Just standing there all safe-like by the car! And honey, I just bought a Jetta. OK?
– The part in “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack where she sings “DAAAAANCE! I hope you da-a-a-a-ance.”
– The Where the Hell is Matt video (via Andrea)
– The hotel shower gel that smells like the honeysuckle in my childhood backyard.

Beauty is My Weapon


The Weapons of Terror

Originally uploaded by MaggieMason.

We arrived at the airport ready to fly into New York, and there was a news crew in the lobby. This makes me nervous, I said. Bryan said news crews always broadcast from the airport. Really, I said. Sure, he said, they’re always here. Why, I asked. Because it’s a place where they can always broadcast live if they want to. I raised a single eyebrow at him. His look suggested he learned this information from an authoritative guide entitled Preferred Habitats of Local News Teams. In actuality a bunch of guys had just been arrested in London for plotting to blow up planes. Of course, we didn’t discover this until we were in the security line.

In the best of circumstances, airport security teams see me through a different lens. To them, I appear to have sharp objects taped in concealed places, and a mouth ringed with the gunpowder I’ve been eating for breakfast. Accordingly, they searched my bag and confiscated everything in it. Well, almost everything.

They took my Revlon Lipglide in Sparkling Sangria, they ignored my metal nail file. They confiscated my Origins Pinch Your Cheeks tint, but bypassed the box of matches. They pulled my Aveeno Sunblock Spray, but left my razor-sharp cuticle scissors.

With each item they took, my mental calculator added another $20-$30 to my cumulative agony. By the time they were finished, they’d yoinked about $150 worth of cosmetics. I was surprised to find that I actually wanted to cry in frustration.

I told the security guard that he was nearly doubling the cost of my ticket, and asked if there was some way to ship this stuff. You can, he said, but it’s $9 an item. Bryan finally just went back to the front counter and checked my box of toiletries. Of course, when we got to the gate, they made us check our bags anyway.

The upside is, our plane totally did not blow up en route to New York. So it was a good trip.

Support System

-I’ve heard nursing is hard.
-It HURTS! Seriously. Take the kinkiest sex you’ve ever had, like someone full-on biting your nipple, and it’s nothing compared to how that kid is gonna latch on.
-Ow. Do you… eventually get calluses or something?
-Eventually you toughen up, but at first it’s just super sensitive and raw. You’ll want to give up every few minutes because it hurts so bad.
-I’m getting a little light headed.
-And then, you’re having this intense, throbbing boob pain and the kid latches on and bites and bites.
-Oh no. No. We may need to talk about something else.
-Your nipples will totally crack and bleed before they toughen up.
-OK! OK! Now talk about something happy! Something happy!
-But it’s the most wonderful bonding you’ll ever experience with another human being?
(Pause)
-You really pulled it out at the end there.
-No problem.

The Gentleman Makes a Point

Me: Yikes. Did you know that they discovered that some monkeys speak in sentences?
Bryan: Really?
M: Yes. And dolphins use names.
B: Wow.
M: I’m thinking again that we probably shouldn’t be eating animals, though they are delicious.
B: Why not?
M: Because we don’t have to. We have other means of survival. And they have personalities. And they mourn. And they can talk in sentences.
B: Yeah, but they eat each other.
M: Yeah, but we’re smarter than them.
B: Doesn’t sound like it.