I don’t subscribe to the notion that the ideal engagement ring is an inflated version of everyone else’s ring. In fact, my favorite rings are those that reveal something about the wearer. These have a lot of personality, and a reasonable price point.
Hank refuses to turn down the corners of his books to save his place, so I used thin washi tape and colorful paperclips to make him some tiny bookmarks.
They’re pretty self explanatory, but I just fed the tape through the paperclip end, folded the sticky sides together, and cut the little flag shape on top.
They take ten seconds each, so you can make new ones as they disappear into the couch cushions.
This little toy van — along with Donny, Mikey, Leo, and Raph — have maintained most-favored status with Hank for most of a year. He’s actually slept with it a few times. And I get that, because when you push it, the wheels are calibrated to spin out. Grown men have assured me that this is awesome.
Before you have kids, you know one day you’ll have to force them to do things they don’t want to do — homework, bedtime, using soap. But I never thought that dynamic would apply to age-appropriate cartoons.
Last year around Halloween, Hank declared that he wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle “from the store.” As you may recall, I’m emotionally over-invested in Halloween, and we’d been discussing elaborate, homemade C3PO costume for months. So after rending my garments, I made a Target run.
This is Hank in his Donatello costume. He’s six here, and I’d never seen him play fight before, you can hear me coaching him to twirl his staff in the video. At the time, he was afraid of lots of age-appropriate movies and TV, so I was a little relieved by his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles obsession.
But a few weeks before, we’d been watching the show together when I heard a familiar refrain. “Let’s turn it off,” he said. The scene wasn’t violent, or even high-conflict, so I asked why. “It’s too scary,” he said. Beh?
IT’S TOO SCARY
In the episode, one of the characters loses her top-secret “shell phone” (see what they did there?), and it puts her turtle friends in danger. The idea of accidentally doing something that has unpredictable consequences scared the crap out of Hank. I was sympathetic, but my patience was also worn.
After months of requests to leave theaters, turn off Disney movies, switch to another cartoon every time suspense was introduced, my impulse was to say, “This is not a thing. You can’t be afraid of everything that might accidentally happen at all times.”
And while being dismissive of a kid’s feelings is undoubtedly top-notch parenting, at what point do you ask a kid to face fears? For the time being I bit my tongue, switched to a more familiar TMNT cartoon, and did a little research.
WHAT DOES AGE-APPROPRIATE MEAN?
It turns out most TV shows aren’t designed with age guidelines in mind. But here’s some good age info that can help guide media choices:
• Kids age 3-6 are just becoming aware that they can be hurt, that parents can’t protect them from everything, and that parents don’t know everything. Like whether monsters exist and whether a cherry tree is growing in their stomach because they swallowed that seed.
• Not until age 7-8 can kids reliably distinguish between reality and fantasy.
• New fears developing suddenly are often a sign of intellectual growth. So if your kid is worried that the bathtub drain will swallow them, that means they’re smart.
• Conflict and suspense are tough for kids to intellectualize, it feels primal to them. And to be fair, in most entertainment media, that’s the intended effect.
Here’s how I changed my responses to Hank’s media fears after I did a little reading.
HOW TO DEAL WHEN A KID FEELS AFRAID
Be Calm
I stopped worrying about whether Hank “should” be afraid, and now I don’t dismiss feelings by saying things like, “This isn’t scary, honey.” Apparently, that teaches kids to hide fear or mask it, which is cruddy on many levels, but mostly because I need him to tell me if something scary happens when I’m not around.
Listen
I feel a little dumb admitting this, but I used to inadvertantly add to Hank’s fears by trying to guess what was wrong. “Are you afraid ligtening will strike our house?” Well, now he is. So now I ask, “Why are you afraid?” And then, “Why is that scary?” until I understand.
Mitigate
This rarely worked with Hank, but it made me feel better. I asked what I could do besides turning the show off. Hold him? Get a stuffed animal? Fast forward through suspense? If it worked one time in ten, it was worth it.
Research
Now I know more about what I’m getting into before I pay to see a movie in the theater or turn on a show for more than one kid to enjoy. If I don’t know the plot in advance, I know I’m of asking for it.
Forget Spoilers
Kids don’t care about being surprised. I explain what’s going to happen and what happens afterward, to help give him a sense of control. “It’s about to look like she died, but her sister will kiss her and she’ll wake up.”
Redirect
If Hank is still afraid and I’m able to turn a show off, I just do. And if I can’t because other children are enjoying it, we leave to draw, or play, or read.
GIVE IT TIME
With a little time and the right entertainment choices, Hank has mostly outgrown his “too scary” phase. It wasn’t a dramatic shift, just part of growing up — for both of us, my friends.
His newfound bravery has calmed the visions I had of him panicking at high school sleepovers when someone suggested watching Star Wars. We’re gonna hold off on that trash compactor scene though.
Do you know a kid who seems stressed out by TV or movies? Let us know if you have any tips for calming them, or whether they just eventually grew out of it, in comments.
Yesterday, I came across a ring by Shinji Nakaba on Pinterest. He designs sculptural jewelry that deals in classical subjects, like the body, decay, botanicals. He’s based in Tokyo and specializes in glyptic art, which is carving of precious materials, particularly gemstones.
His tiny sculptures often read as detail shots of works from antiquity, and sometimes find direct reference points, like the David Ring above, which is the ideal gift for your inner 14-year-old boy.
He’s drawn to unusual materials as well.
He does lots of work with aluminum, and fashioned this hydrangea brooch from beer cans.
There’s not much information about Nakaba online in English, but it looks like this site featured him as a street-fashion subject. Unsurprisingly, the man is a hell of a dresser.
If you want something he’s made, his work is available for purchase here, and the prices don’t seem crazed given his talent. Go have a look.
I’d like to improve my dinner party repertoire. Are dinner parties still a thing? I met an older woman when I was in college who mentioned that she had several meals memorized in case she needed to host an impromptu dinner party. Magician.
Years later, I read a piece in Vogue (I think) about a woman who was known as one of the best hostesses on the New York social scene. She would make a giant pot of stew, pick up some crusty bread, and overfill wine glasses while people ate cross-legged on the living room floor.
One of the best dinner parties I ever attended was hosted by my friend Pableaux, who put everyone into service chopping, grating, running for ice cream, and then shooed everyone toward a giant table in the kitchen. He kept the conversation running late into the night, and I’ve rarely felt more welcome.
I’m working on building out my recipe tin, and I added a section for dinner parties. So far I have one go-to: Homemade Guacamole and chips, Fish Burritos, Cucumber Salad, Strawberry Shortcake, Sparkling Wine.
So I want nine more solid meals. What do you serve when you’re having people over, either casually or for a more formal dinner?
I finally planted my fire-escape garden I’ve had on my Life List for years. I planted in these basic terra cotta pots, which I glittered to make them prettier. If you want some too, you’ll need:
A small paint brush
A bowl in which you are willing to mix glitter and glue
Glitter in whatever color you want
Modge Podge glue, glossy
Masking tape or painter’s tape (I used washi, because I had it)
Some newspaper to protect your work area
Tape off the sections you want to glitter. I found that dramatic triangles that reached near the top of the pot looked the coolest, but you do you.
Mix about half a cup of Modge Podge with a liberal amount of glitter (amounts will vary depending on the size of your glitter flakes. Dump in enough glitter that there are no glitter-free sections when you apply the glue to your pot.
Paint away. Wait a few hours for it to dry, and then peel the tape off.
This is my 7-year-old child craning his neck to see what’s on the television screen I’m watching, while he plays on my laptop.
It’s his preferred state of being, and I take full responsibility. I’m not sure what was in the bowl in front of him, but probably extra-dye M&Ms coated in high fructose corn syrup and then rolled in crunchy sugar crystals. He’s a growing boy.
I kid, but there are some screen-related things I don’t obsess about. I don’t worry that he’s becoming stupider, and I don’t mind that his heroes include robot trucks. I do care about spending enough time together engaged in non-watching activities, and making sure he’s hitting all the developmental marks along the way. We’re great on the reading front (relief), but he’s never been very interested in making things.
I grew up covered in glitter and Elmer’s Glue, but Hank can’t be tempted. We once gave him a giant activity book, which he read cover to cover, and then wandered away from it. He won’t even use safety scissors to sneak away and cut his own hair. This didn’t worry me much, kids have different interests, until he came home from school one day and said that he’s not good at art as the other kids. Aw man.
Time to get more serious about glue stick practice and Scissor Holding-101. I thought for a while about how to get him engaged for more than a few minutes in a way that wouldn’t leave him disliking art more than ever.
Hank has always been into science and robots, but lately he’s been interested in a very specific type of robot. So when the Tooth Fairy brought us this killer book called Welcome to Your Awesome Robot, I suggested maybe, we could, you know, make a Transformer.
You have no idea how hesitantly he engaged with this tape, my friends.
But he got into it! We built for a couple of days, and I encouraged him to come up with his own ideas and build things himself.
Innovations include, this sign that warns you not to stick your face too close to the input flap, lest it be chomped off.
Here is our threat monitor, which indicates when it’s time for the Autobots to roll out.
In the middle of drawing an arm hole, Hank said, “Mom. Building robots is SO. MUCH. FUN.”
Truth. And then we jumped around for a few minutes, because I’d been waiting seven years to hear something positive about cardboard and pipe cleaners.
We added party hat receptors, and a view slot, and an Optimus Prime sword, which makes very convincing robot sounds and doubles as an interior light source.
This photo is exactly what I thought it would be like to be a mom.
But what does it transform into?
“A fort! … can I play iPad inside?”
Sure, little guy.
This post is sponsored by Target. More Transformers, More Than Meets the Eye: Blur the lines of fantasy and reality with your favorite Transformers at Target.
Mighty Girl 