Hey, remember about two weeks ago, when I swore off waxing in this video? I believe my exact words were, “I have never, ever waxed. I don’t have any intention of waxing. It sounds so hyper incredibly painful.”
Well, I now have firsthand knowledge that I was correct. A few days after taping that video, Natalie (may she burn in hell) convinced me that I should try a bikini wax for my trip to Jamaica. We were getting our nails done at a place that offered hair-ripping services, so I figured what the hell?
More like what the helllllllll? It wasn’t so much the the waxing itself — which was deeply undignified but not too painful — it was the horrifying, burning, swollen aftermath. It never occurred to me that I would need to heal after waxing. Perhaps because I am stupid.
In the airport I texted Heather about how angry I was. Why hadn’t anyone told me?
-I got a bikini wax. Huge mistake. Epic.
-Was this your first?
-Yes. I’m lucky I didn’t scar.
-Oh no!!! … But you’re smooth right?
-Screw you. I’m smooth like a plucked chicken with some sort of inflammatory disease.
Armstrong, you are among the women I blame for not disclosing. You couldn’t help a sister out by casually mentioning the bathroom issue?
Ladies, listen to me. There is no controlling the post-wax spray. You are no longer in the director’s chair when it comes to peeing, you are a helpless urinary bystander. Your stream becomes aimless and befuddled, like a Valium-addled housewife. Now you know.
Yes, it is convenient not to worry about shaving. But does that negate the indignity of traveling commando because wearing underwear is too painful? Does it overshadow the concern about what sort of wonderous airplane fungus is working its way through your skirt and into your “system?”
No, ladies. No it does not.
Mighty Girl 
I don’t suppose you would believe that it’s much better the second and subsequent times, and if you keep up a regular schedule?
I must say I’ve never experienced the Valium-addled stream problem…
LikeLike
I’ve waxed, Brazilian even, and I really didn’t think it was that bad. Sure, I was a little red and sore for 24 hours, but after that I felt great!
And I’ve also never had the stream problem. I’m sorry to report, I think you might be alone in that one, Maggie.
LikeLike
I have never waxed either and was contemplating before going on vacation. Now, I’m thinking maybe not so much. Now that a day or two (?) has passed, are the benefits that good that you will maintain it???
LikeLike
You know, I will be perfectly happy to never experience a bikini wax in my life. I wax my legs, but stay the hell away from anything above the knee… pain, itching, scarring, and looking like you are having a syphilis outbreak is not my cup of tea.
LikeLike
I agree with the stream problem.
The other upcoming unfortunate side effect of waxing is ingrown hairs. Now some kind person is warning you.
LikeLike
I’ve never had the inflammatory issues, but I have had the stream problem. TOTALLY took me off guard the first time. Who knew that pubic hair served to corral urine? I’m guessing that if you have sensitive skin, waxing is just one more way to piss off your body’s largest organ. For those of us who don’t, waxing is totally worth the fleeting discomfort. Sorry it ended up being such an ordeal for you Maggeh!
LikeLike
Glad someone finally said it!
LikeLike
Maggie. I’m so sorry. I recently had a bad waxing experience but it has everything to do with aesthetics (I’m embarrassed of myself naked now: boo!). I wax once a year for the one time i will wear a bathing suit and that’s it – I’m not particularly pro-waxing. But I’m commenting here to say: that peeing thing . . . I think you had an EXTRA BAD wax. Regular waxing is tough enough but I’ve never been *that* altered . . . I say: heal yourself with some soothing balm or poultice, stay away from waxing, and/but if you ever think you’ll try again, go to the place where you shell out $35 and see if that doesn’t make a difference (I went to Bliss where it’s as painless as it’s ever been . . . except for my bruised pride).
LikeLike
Oh, how I laughed, not at you, but with you…because I’ve been there. I’ve had waxes where I left the shop bleeding, and waxes that gave me severe blisters, yet I continue to wax, the whole thing, the full monty, and my underarms too.
Unfortunately not all estheticians are created equal, nor are all waxes. I shopped around, and cheated on many a esthetician until I finally found someone who not only knew what they were doing, but used good product. I will never leave her, and she better not ever try to leave me!
Anyhoo, if you should endeavor to go it again, do ask your friends for references, and keep these waxing tips in mind:
1. Try and find an esthetician who uses the wax that hardens rather then uses a soft wax and strips of paper or fabric, it’s easier on your skin.
2. Avoid any esthetician who uses the roll-on wax applicators and look for someone who uses a metal or wooden spatula.
3. Don’t use soap of any kind “down there” for 24 hours after waxing.
4. After 48 hours, start scrubbing and keep it up until your next wax. I make my own scrub with sea salt and olive oil, it’s cheap, and its always on hand. The salt keeps your pores open so that the new growth doesn’t get stuck in the follicle and become an ingrown hair, and the oil keeps the skin soft which also prevents ingrown hairs.
5. Don’t wait too long to re-visit your esthetician. It all depends on how fast your hair grows, but if you leave it too long, you’ll end up removing hairs that have new growth coming up right behind it, and very shortly thereafter it will look like you never went.
May the force be with you!
LikeLike
Good tips from Mari! Also, try to find somewhere that does sugaring instead of waxing…almost pleasant compared to wax!
LikeLike
So I take it you won’t be having a Brazillian then? That totally screwed with my stream. Felt like a nude chicken. Unfortunately had my last one when I was preggers and couldn’t take any ibuprofin (my secret waxing trick) so hurt like hell and I have been unwaxed ever since. Have you tried the at home cream jobs – just as good effect in my opinion. And you still keep your dignity in public, and your skin doesn’t bleed. Being an Aussie and an italian means that I have hair down to my knees, live near the beach and have summer 70% of the year… so I know hair removal.
LikeLike
Oh – get thee to Sephora and pick up some Tend Skin, stat! You’re going to need it to avoid the ingrown hairs. Use it every time before you shower!
LikeLike
I was *just* thinking about waxing this morning. About how I tried it once, realized the lengths women go to to be hair-free are CRAZY, and how in a hundred years I dearly hope waxing is in the same historical (hysterical?) category as foot-binding.
LikeLike
I’ve had my eyebrows waxed and I love it but it takes me a whole day for the skin to recover. Also, you’re a redhead, according to the dermatologist who removed a carcinoma for me redheads are the most sensitive to pain so require extra anesthetic. Hope you’re healing well!
LikeLike
oh! oh dear! You have the fair skin curse! See, I have the fair skin curse and for some reason those of us with fair skin sometimes when we get waxed, our bodies recoil in delicate creamy Victorian horror and try to kill us.
To sum up: I second the person who said sugaring, because I will tell you, waxing might kick your tail (if you will) every time.
And now I have spoken more about my pubic grooming habits to strangers than I ever have before in my life.
LikeLike
You don’t have to take it all off. The stream problem is real and you make adjustments. It’s all about who you go to and make sure you use a scrub in the shower to exfoliate and This stuff
http://www.seriousserum.com/ to prevent ingrown hairs.
I am the woman whose mother told me when I was 10, “Whatever you do, do not ever shave your arms” You get the picture.
LikeLike
Thank you for this. Now my decision about waxing is well informed. Thanks for all the comments, too! Vital information.
LikeLike
lol. Wow. Actually I found this to be quite informative because I’ve never waxed down there. I tried waxing my legs in college and after she finished with my right leg I begged & pleaded for her to stop. So – I had one red, puffy leg and one hairy one. The idea of taking that pain into any other region completely baffles me.
LikeLike
I worked at a waxing salon in Denver, Colorado (Waxing the City) and learned a ton about waxing. Several people have mentioned this, but it does hurt less the more times you do it. The first is definitely the worst.
Most importantly, though: you didn’t mention what kind of wax it was. Was it the soft wax (the lady applied the wax, and then put a fabric strip over it to pull the wax off) or was it hard wax (they apply the wax, it hardens and she pulls the was directly off (no strip))?
Hard wax is for sensitive areas and hurts way, way, way less than soft wax. This is because it only binds to the hair and not the skin. I recommend finding a salon (not a nail place that happens to do waxing) that specializes in waxing. Particularly a salon that uses hard wax for the bikini area. And, I believe someone mentioned this already, each person has a different technique so if you find someone you like, stick with her!
LikeLike
Oh yeah, and if you have sensitive skin I would not use Tend Skin every day. It is very harsh and really dries out the skin. I use it, but only occasionally.
LikeLike
I agree that who you see and what kind of wax she uses makes all the difference. Hard wax (no fabric strips) is DEFINITELY better. And you do need to exfoliate afterward to prevent ingrown hairs. I’ve waxed for 15 years, but I only do the stuff that would poke out of my bathing suit – and I leave the rest alone. Not sure if this cuts down on the pain factor, but I’ve definitely never had the pee problem!
I’ve had a few bad waxes over the years, and the worst was when the woman put bacitracin on me afterward without asking. I’m allergic to bacitracin, and it took a week for the rash to subside. I was particularly mad since I’d gotten the wax specifically because I was going to the beach a couple of days later. It was NOT pretty.
LikeLike
Same here on all counts. During waxing pain isn’t a problem, but afterwards it’s horrible… and the pee issue was a funny surprise. I don’t believe that I just haven’t had a good waxer. The last place I tried (while on vacation in SF) had fantastic reviews, I exfoliated religiously, and I still ended up with the worst ingrowns ever. I think people with sensitive skin are not meant to wax or pull hair out at all. I will be sticking with general trimming and outside-bathing suit-line shaving from now on.
LikeLike
I agree with the other two ladies who recommended sugaring. It’s a whole lot cleaner and less painful than waxing. I mean, for example, it’s luke warm so doesn’t burn you and they go with the grain of the hair instead of against. I’ve been sugaring (brazilian!) since December and while it’s not the most enjoyable experience ever it’s 1000x’s better than waxing! And trust me, I’m a giant wimp. 😛
LikeLike
Gross.
LikeLike
Like a plucked chicken. Me too. Precisely like a plucked chicken.
LikeLike
Now do all that two days before your wedding. Yes.
LikeLike
As a fellow shockingly pale-skinned red head, I have to say we’re just not meant to be waxed. I spent years trying every wax, sugar, special-from-Europe method, at every fancy salon possible & the recovery was never any better.
Red head? Admire your freckles & avoid waxing.
LikeLike
Oh, ow! I waxed for a few years and while I didn’t have the pain you experienced, my skin was left sore for a while. And YES! That pee thing is so weird!
If you EVER want to do that again, I also recommend sugaring. Less painful (for me), longer lasting results, and I didn’t get any weird infected hair follicles like I have with waxing.
You might also want to try sugaring somewhere less painful, like maybe your legs before you go for the bikini area again.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience!
LikeLike
Wow, so sorry that happened – esp right before a trip! I’ve never experienced any “stream” issues and I’ve been getting bikini waxes & brazilians for almost 20 years. Crap, that means I’m old. Anyway – my waxer has given me some good hints along the way too – advil ahead of time AND AFTER, never wax when you have PMS, neosporin with pain relief immediately to stop inflammation and pain, and baby eczema cream to moisturize for a couple days. And then exfoliate to prevent ingrown hairs, as others have discussed. I don’t think any method of hair removal is ideal, but waxing is the most convenient for me & my bikini line…
LikeLike
Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie… You are one of the cleverest women I know! How did you convince yourself that getting your first-ever nether region waxing at the nail place was a good idea!?!
Lots of good advice from the ladies before me, so I won’t repeat, but one thing that hasn’t beem mentioned is where you are in the menstrual cycle.
Do not, ever, under ANY circumstances, get waxed in the week preceding your period. Skin’s thinner, blood’s closer to the surface, and the pain… oh, the pain.
Now, from one curly-girl to another, get yourself the ingrown-reducing pads from Bliss. Pricy, but better than Tend Skin, IMO. Use daily. Then use the container as a weapon against the next person who suggests you try waxing again. 🙂
LikeLike
Oooooh dear. I laughed. I did, because you are funny, deeply funny. It appears that some are meant to be waxed and some are not. I am also of the fair skinned veriety and while I can wax my eyebrows, doing so to the vajayjay borders on a sex crime. I tried it myself, ONCE which I am glad of, because the cats are the only ones who heard the noises and watched me doubled over naked while getting the hot wax EVERYWHERE. I accidentaly did my arm as well. Let’s stick to shaving.
LikeLike
I second Mari’s points. I have been in the same predicament that you are in now, and it’s cheap wax that causes all of those problems. Cheap wax sticks to your skin and pulls it along with the hair. Quality wax attaches to the hair and doesn’t leave your skin red or puffy or hurting. The only pain is during that band-aid pulling moment when the wax leaves your body.
Never EVER get waxed at a nail shop. Or within the two weeks surrounding your period. Or hungover.
If you feel brave enough, I guarantee your next waxing experience will be totally unremarkable, like plucking your eyebrows.
LikeLike
Look, all I’m saying is that pubes have an evolutionary PURPOSE. Which is to, um, corral things down there, be it urine or sweat or other secretions. I hate feeling so damn slippery all the time. And I don’t know if you’ve got to this part yet, but it itches like hell when it’s growing back.
I don’t get the thing with waxing.
LikeLike
Lots of good advice here, Maggie. If you are every brave (or crazy) enough to try it again, spend spend spend! I will only go to a high-end salon and only if they use hard wax. You get what you pay for. Sorry your first experience was so tragic. I feel like you are suffering from PTBW (post-traumatic bikini wax). 😦 Scrub up and be well!
LikeLike
Dang! That just reinforces my resolution to stick to Nair. I’ve done leg waxing once & apparantly, I have the poor combination of sensitive skin & coarse dark leg hair. The lady said it took about twice as long and more painful than typical. And my skin was irritated for several days after. My legs looked smooth but I some stubble so I had to shave the next day. Not the solution I was looking for.
May I recommend Nair – I recently revisited it with success. I had tried it as a teenager but hated the smell & poor results. I tried it again recently with their new sponge/shower combo & had great results with no irritation. I did wait about 3-5 minutes before showering (a little longer than the instructions say) to get the best results. I haven’t tried the full bikini wax area yet but will let you know if it doesn’t go well.
LikeLike
I have never wanted to wax, partly because of the pain and partly because of the aftermath. I get terrible ingrown hairs whether I shave or Nair, and I finally decided to try laser hair removal. It’s genius!!!! It’s surprisingly inexpensive and of course you only have to do it a few times (with maybe a couple touch ups every few years thereafter) as opposed to as regularly as you would have to wax. And no ingrown hairs! I can’t recommend it enough. I live in SF and Aesthetic Laser Center on Post is fantastic if you’re curious. I’m only doing my inner thighs so I don’t think I’ll have any stream problems…
LikeLike
I dont think Ive ever laughed harder!! By no means was it at you but at your imagery! Ive thought about waxing many times, mostly because I hate to shave, but love the smooth feeling!
LikeLike
I’ve always suspected that due to my red hair and freakishly rash-prone, pale skin, I should stay far away from wax. Confirmed. I never even considered that the aftermath could be so dire. Thank you, Maggie!
LikeLike
Wow. I suspect (as many have suggested) that your biggest mistake was getting waxed at a nail salon. But, personally — as a woman who is just as fair-skinned as you are, and also one who scars/bruises/&c. quite easily — I’ve never, ever had a problem with waxing. I have never — even the first time — found it to be anything approaching painful, and I’ve never had any irritation/swelling/whatever-other-unpleasantness afterward. But then, I go to a really good place and all they do is waxing of various kinds (they do men, also — which is actually how I started going there, because a male friend of mine had gotten fully waxed from chest-to-toes pre-Burning Man a few years ago…don’t ask why he decided any of that was a Good Plan, but whatever). The only problems I’ve ever had were before I was seeing one waxing-person regularly, and a couple of times I left with much less hair than I wanted (I have some definite aesthetic preferences when it comes to how much hair is left in front — I prefer rather more than is currently fashionable, apparently). Otherwise, though, I cannot say enough great things about waxing. Best money I ever spend on myself.
LikeLike
Laser hair removal, people. It’s the only answer.
LikeLike
Ah, suck it up Mason. Just toss back a gimlet or two just before and work on your aim. 😉
LikeLike
Ouch! I NEVER thought I’d say it, but I recently started going brazilian. It’s quite shameful, really. It was awful the first time, but the next time it was not bad. The best antidote is a cream called finlipil.
I didn’t have any trouble with pee? what are you trying to pee in…I’m just confused. LOL!
Best,
Tina
LikeLike
I think, as one commenter noted above, that people with more sensitive skin shouldn’t wax.
I had my legs waxed once and it ended in a red, swollen, bloody mess. The aesthetician even seemed concerned. (Although hilariously, I forgot to take my jacket off during my session. I only noticed after she started spreading on the wax. Panties on the bottom, jacket up top.)
And that is how I know I will never get a bikini wax. Also? One has to let the hair grow back in order to go through it again? Nonsense.
LikeLike
Totally worth all of that!
Maybe the light-haired ladies among us wouldn’t make the sacrifice – but for me, who is fair skinned and dark haired and shaves and can still see the dark hairs beneath my skin, waxing is THE WAY.
Forever and ever Amen!
LikeLike
Yeah, I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way. Most have to.
I had my waxing days about 5 years ago. Pain in the…well now you know. I believe the grow back issues were mentioned above.
I shave. Less expensive. Less painful. Fewer issues with grow out.
Shaving tip: Shave with not against the direction of hair growth. Less grow back bumps.
LikeLike
The peeing thing – YES! i felt like one of those whirling yard sprinklers – it just shot out in every possible direction without the pubic guide. I subjected myself to it several times in nyc – done by a Brazilian woman with a pack of Marlboro Reds in her breast pocket. She, god and my gyno know me better than anyone. When i had it done in Berlin, i was made to lay on my stomach and personally hold my cheeks apart so she could get the back…utter humiliation.
Since the birth of my twins (vaginally) two years ago, I swore I would never willingly subject that area of my body to any unnecessary torture again!
LikeLike
Man, I would say this conversation went down the rabbit hole…without the rabbit! 😉
LikeLike
I go to this place called Waxon. You can get a shot of tequila before the event!
LikeLike
Ok, first of all, what is everyone’s ridiculous aversion to hair? Second, even if you want to *ahem* trim the hedges a bit, it doesn’t seem like it would do that kind of damage (which makes me wonder did you go ALL the WAY with it or something? I mean did you just wax your whole entire world? Third, what in the name of all that is holy would make you want to trust that area of your body to someone with a hot bucket of wax and NO medical degree? I think if I was going to do something down there, I’d handle it my ownself.
LikeLike
I think we women need to revolt against beauty practices that involve unnecessary pain.
LikeLike