Hey, remember about two weeks ago, when I swore off waxing in this video? I believe my exact words were, “I have never, ever waxed. I don’t have any intention of waxing. It sounds so hyper incredibly painful.”
Well, I now have firsthand knowledge that I was correct. A few days after taping that video, Natalie (may she burn in hell) convinced me that I should try a bikini wax for my trip to Jamaica. We were getting our nails done at a place that offered hair-ripping services, so I figured what the hell?
More like what the helllllllll? It wasn’t so much the the waxing itself — which was deeply undignified but not too painful — it was the horrifying, burning, swollen aftermath. It never occurred to me that I would need to heal after waxing. Perhaps because I am stupid.
In the airport I texted Heather about how angry I was. Why hadn’t anyone told me?
-I got a bikini wax. Huge mistake. Epic.
-Was this your first?
-Yes. I’m lucky I didn’t scar.
-Oh no!!! … But you’re smooth right?
-Screw you. I’m smooth like a plucked chicken with some sort of inflammatory disease.
Armstrong, you are among the women I blame for not disclosing. You couldn’t help a sister out by casually mentioning the bathroom issue?
Ladies, listen to me. There is no controlling the post-wax spray. You are no longer in the director’s chair when it comes to peeing, you are a helpless urinary bystander. Your stream becomes aimless and befuddled, like a Valium-addled housewife. Now you know.
Yes, it is convenient not to worry about shaving. But does that negate the indignity of traveling commando because wearing underwear is too painful? Does it overshadow the concern about what sort of wonderous airplane fungus is working its way through your skirt and into your “system?”
No, ladies. No it does not.