Hey, remember about two weeks ago, when I swore off waxing in this video? I believe my exact words were, “I have never, ever waxed. I don’t have any intention of waxing. It sounds so hyper incredibly painful.”
Well, I now have firsthand knowledge that I was correct. A few days after taping that video, Natalie (may she burn in hell) convinced me that I should try a bikini wax for my trip to Jamaica. We were getting our nails done at a place that offered hair-ripping services, so I figured what the hell?
More like what the helllllllll? It wasn’t so much the the waxing itself — which was deeply undignified but not too painful — it was the horrifying, burning, swollen aftermath. It never occurred to me that I would need to heal after waxing. Perhaps because I am stupid.
In the airport I texted Heather about how angry I was. Why hadn’t anyone told me?
-I got a bikini wax. Huge mistake. Epic.
-Was this your first?
-Yes. I’m lucky I didn’t scar.
-Oh no!!! … But you’re smooth right?
-Screw you. I’m smooth like a plucked chicken with some sort of inflammatory disease.
Armstrong, you are among the women I blame for not disclosing. You couldn’t help a sister out by casually mentioning the bathroom issue?
Ladies, listen to me. There is no controlling the post-wax spray. You are no longer in the director’s chair when it comes to peeing, you are a helpless urinary bystander. Your stream becomes aimless and befuddled, like a Valium-addled housewife. Now you know.
Yes, it is convenient not to worry about shaving. But does that negate the indignity of traveling commando because wearing underwear is too painful? Does it overshadow the concern about what sort of wonderous airplane fungus is working its way through your skirt and into your “system?”
No, ladies. No it does not.
Mighty Girl 
Now that you’ve experienced the joy that is the bikini wax (although your experience sounds a little sketchy)…I’ve got three words for you, Exfoliate, Exfoliate, Exfoliate! Or else you’ll also get to experience the joy that is ingrown hair…yick!
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Bravo/Condolences! My first waxing experience at a salon was also terrible, but now I use Parissa wax strips at home on the bikini line ONLY. The rest I take care of with an electric bikini trimmer and/or a razor.
Definitely exfoliate! The ingrown hairs are the worst part!
And I’ve always told my husband that shaving/waxing everything makes my pee go from “stream” to “spray” just like on a bottle of household cleaner, glad to hear another woman voice that!!
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And now I’m feeling shy about writing all of that ON THE INTERNET.
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Others have said it, but it bears repeating . . . redheads and those with sensitive and/or fair skin really shouldn’t wax. Respect what your body is telling you. Skin is your largest organ and first line of defense against infection – take care of it, don’t traumatize it! I totally agree with Steph . . . why on Earth would you trust someone with no medical degree (at a nail salon no less) down there?
One more thing . . . Can’t believe I’m going to say this to strangers on the internet, but here goes . . . my husband LOVES the fact that I’m a “real” redhead, if you know what I mean. Why would I mess with that? And just like in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral, I’ve been with more than one but fewer than Madonna – and ever single partner voiced the same thing.
So, to all the natural redheads out there, trust me – take care of yourself and just tidy up down there, but don’t wax!
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Maggie, you crack me up! You have also just given me further ammunition in my complete and utter aversion to waxing. I did it once, at home, myself, because I just couldn’t get over the ick factor of having someone who is not a doctor pouring hot wax on my nether regions. I just don’t get it. It’s expensive, it’s painful, the growing back part is horrible (let me add my voice to the chorus of women warning you of ingrown hairs and itching), and after all of that, I didn’t like the way it looked. I looked like a 10-year old and it creeped me out. No one else mentioned that element of it, so maybe it was just me, but no thank you. I trim the hedges regularly, I do some extra prep before swimsuit wearing, but waxing is not for me.
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First time always the worst; in the future just have a glass of wine beforehand. Please don’t pre-emptively disparage nail salons for waxing services. Case in point: in DC, highly recommend Joy’s Spa (on 18th St in Adams Morgan) — Joy, herself, recommends and sometimes offers a glass of wine.
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BWAH HA HA HA!!!!!!!! That’s all I have to say about that…
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Somebody said something about “handling it themselves” and I’ve got to second that notion. I have insanely sensitive, pale skin and had a nightmare the one and only time I was waxed in a salon. But I’m pretty religious now about those Parissa wax strips that they sell at Whole Foods and other natural products stores. They take off everything that would be visible with a swimming suit (I don’t even broach any areas that might affect my pee stream!). They are much gentler and cheaper than the stuff they use in salons. Living in Europe now, I’ve noticed that most French women use a similar kind of product to clean things up without getting too crazy. The Brazilian is a decidedly North and South American thing that will hopefully go the way of the dodo soon!
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HAHA! I’m so pleased to hear that everything I’ve ever thought about waxing is true!I’m sorry you had to go through it, but thanks for taking one for the team and passing on this valuable information.
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Fantastic conversation about waxing with so much good information! I have to say waxing is something that grew on me the more I did it. Same with traveling commando. Don’t fear the freedom of the ladybits!
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You have just reaffirmed my decision (made long ago) to never wax in the nether regions. However, when my eyes got bad enough that I couldn’t see my eyebrows to wax, I definitely went for it and am glad. THAT is not so bad.
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I’ve been waxing (read: paying other people to wax me) for 17 years (I just did the math and realize I was spending my Library job money on waxing in high school. Hmmm). Anyway, I’ve been waxed all over the world and the worst waxes I’ve ever had have involved the roll-on applicators. I actually had a couple of layers of skin taken off at one place. That hurt. I also waxed up until my 6th month of pregnancy and would’ve kept up as long as I could’ve, except that I had polyhydroamnios and I kind got distracted. I just like the results.
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Hi Maggie–I’ve had similar experiences in the past. Ouch!
In the meantime, I do agree that there needs to be some maintenance to avoid ingrown hairs, but I highly recommend using a liquid exfoliator as opposed to a grainy substance that might irritate you further. I have a roll-on (looks like deodorant) that is effective and does not irritate anything. At all. You just lightly roll it over the needed areas–I use mine after the shower–and then get dressed.
Use it a couple times a week at first–not every day in a row. Happy healing!
Besos!
Megan
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I swear it DOES get easier each time you do it. Given your reaction, I have to warn you that poor, dear redheads get the worst end of it due to sensitive skin (same thing with breastfeeding — it’s toughest for fair redheads). Poor thing. Taking a couple Advil beforehand helps. But wow — your post-wax reaction does not sound normal.
Maybe try a fancy-assed spa next time? (I know, I know, there’ll BE no next time).
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So sorry this happened to you! Thank Jeebus that my friend warned me to get drunk before my first wax. It actually was not as bad as I was expecting it to be. I was not prepared for the stream issue, specifically the BURNING when the stream makes contact with the waxed areas, but that usually clears up overnight for me.
In the event that this ever again seems like a good idea, it will get better if you do it regularly and take some ibuprofen half an hour before the wax. Or get drunk. Getting drunk helps. When I was doing this regularly, I didn’t need booze or meds. But that stream won’t be going away. Just how I’m built, I suppose. Glad it’s not just me.
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At my first Brazilian the esthetician was trimming before she started and snipped my….well. you know. I screamed like a little girl and never went back even though she didn’t charge me.
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I’m guessing it goes differently for everyone? I never had any issues the first time i had it done
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OMG!I haven’t laughed this hard in my recent past! Thankyou for that! I’ve only read about bikini waxing and I almost want to try so I can add to your wonderfully real yet serious commentary!
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Next time, I would recommend shaving instead, then using deodorant to prevent red bumps.
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As a fellow pale lady, I have to say, THANK YOU. I’ve been toying with the idea of waxing for the first time myself. I’m swearing off it now.
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Oh man, I was in COLLEGE before I found out that I was “supposed to” be trimming or shaving or waxing or whatever. So it never really sunk in. (Of course, I found out about the grooming thing because I hooked up with a guy who then told EVERYONE that I was the hairiest girl of all time. D-bag.) I think my partner would prefer me less hairy, but it’s a package deal, buddy. You get me, you get my pubic hair.
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“whirling yard sprinklers” …. Yes, thanks for mentioning the stream issue. I’ve never waxed, but even shaving “everything” because everyone told me “you have to try it just once” led to the wild untamed stream and other awful things, plus my partner was freaked out by the lack of hair. Unnatural, at best, he said….
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I am so glad you mentioned the spray peeing thing! Who knew that pubic hair was the pee stream director? I thought it was just me.
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Wow! Long time reading, first time commenting, and sadly, it was the waxing that moved me. Anyway, not a fan of the wax. I had a bikini wax at the schwankest place around, by someone highly recommended, and being fair skinned like you, bruised, bled, swelled, and was traumatized. Now, I wear a boy short bathing suit, and i understand that my pubic hair is there for a reason!
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Thanks for the honesty. Sisters need more of that for sure. And yes, how…HOW did I not know of this before?
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