Flashback to me, pregnant with Hank, walking along the street with Bryan — host-gift wine bottle in hand. I notice an angry man up the street, weaving and yelling in our path. In the time it takes to blink, my brain flashes to me smashing the bottom of the wine bottle on a nearby lamppost, and assuming a fight stance while bellowing profanities.
Whoa. That’s new.
I think the ready-to-gut-offenders adrenaline will fade once I give birth, but not so. This afternoon at the cafe, someone hovers suspiciously over my bag. Cut to mental image of him grabbing my bag, and me leaping over the table to tackle him and claw at his eyes.
What the hell.
When did I become some Clockwork Orange version of Ally McBeal? If I ever decide to take up caffeine again, you might need to alert someone — lest I fly at Bryan in a blind rage when he tries to take a bite off my plate without asking first.
My bite.
Mighty Girl 
I’ve envisioned acting similarly when I see an elderly lady wipe her runny nose with her hand and then reach said hand out to touch my baby’s cheek. I’m kind of more the Bonnie Hunt version of Courtney Love.
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Having a plan in your head before something happens, even if it seems totally over the top and out of character, is a good thing. I hope Bryan keeps his fork off of your plate!!!
Jules
House of Jules
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Oh, I’m so happy to know one other person (red and fair-skinned, too) who gets INCREDIBLE HULK on caffeine, too. I’m finishing a novel so I started up again (decaf, no less) but my personality has taken on that of a monster who forgot her dinner. For the last three years. It’s here that I say: three cheers for tea! (Mate, I’m sorry I forsake you.)
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Caffeine or no caffeine – NOBODY touches my food without asking. Zero tolerance!
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Problem solving in advance…. that’s what parenting is all about.
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Oh, I have been known to snarl at my husband when he tries to take a bite of my food. Perhaps I should consider giving up caffeine, huh?
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Rawr! Mama Bear! (I’m often the same way).
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That reminds me of the the scenes in High Fidelity when John Cusack wants to attack Tim Robbins in the record store.
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…and all this time I thought I was the only woman who has fantasies of overreacting in a totally heroic manner.
Maybe that mom-thing kind of runneth over. We’ve handled everything from pregnancy through puberty, we can pretty much take care of everything else.
Kind of like Rambo, only with fewer explosions and better clothes.
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I do this ALL THE TIME. I have this constant narrative going in my head wherein I am the hero and I Take Out All The Bag Guys With My Athletic Proweress and Cat-Like Reflexes. I am SUCH a bad ass! (in my head)
xo
b.
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oops. BAD guys. not just guys with bags. Or bag men. although isn’t a bag man a dude that kills people? so maybe I was being Freudian?? Not just sleepy??
ha!~
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Delurking to say I agree with Jules. We were taught in self-defense class that it is better to have a plan (even if it seems a little crazy) than not to think about “what if” situations. Rock on!
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What does it mean that I create similar mental images but don’t drink coffee and am neither a mother or a mother-to-be? Yikes. I think you’re sane, in comparison. Keep fighting!
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Clockwork Orange Ally McBeal?
Now that’s a movie I’d wait in line for!
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After reading your post I scrolled back up and saw the title, which I read this time as “Like Me, Only Feral” where ‘feral’ sounded more like ‘fer real’ in my head. Sorry. Haven’t had my caffeine today.
Oh, and the thing about having A PLAN – good idea. Got me home safe after an attack while running one night.
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JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!
Sorry…too many middle-of-the-night feedings spent watching Friends reruns.
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Funny post. I especially loved the title. so perfect.
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Remember that scene in “Big” when Josh, as an adult, phones his worried-sick mom to reassure her that her son is fine and gonna be home really soon? She unleashes a barrage of threats on his life if he harms one hair on her baby’s head, and at the end of her tirade he goes “Wow…. Thanks!” Cracks me up. Cheers to the moms!
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Maybe there’s some weird pregnancy rage hormone that stays with you afterwards? Because I had the same type of thing happen to me. Pregnancy brought on some rage when I felt I was in peril somehow.
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I’m the exact opposite. I’m always looking for the escape route/hatch/chicken exit.
last october my fiance and i were in costa rica and two dogs attacked our car. i jumped back and yelled – even though our windows were closed.
she said something like “Don’t ever do that again. That’s not attractive.”
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I think this is one my favorite posts you have ever written. And I rescind the dinner offer for next time you guys are in Denver.
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He was totally asking for it.
I always stab Victor with a salad fork when he steals my food. It’s smaller so it seems nicer.
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Can I read between the lines and discern that you’re pregnant again? That would be awesome.
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And women say that men are violent. Hmm…. 😉
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:))
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I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!
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