2.4.02 LADIES NIGHT EXCERPT

Lady 1: I totally saw scrotum in yoga class.

All: UGH!

Lady 2: What do you mean, you saw it?

Lady 1: Like, it was right there, like hanging out.

Lady 3: Couldn�t you just� look away?

Lady 1: Well we were doing this swan-dive thingy where you bend over (bends gracefully at waist with arms extended behind her), so your face is right at someone�s butt. And his scroat was, like, right there. Huge ball sack.

Lady 2: Hanging out of his shorts or something?

Lady 1: Yeah.

Lady 4: Yuck.

Lady 1: Yeah. I was traumatized.

3:29 p.m.

1.28.02 SELF PROMOTION AND THE MATING DANCE

I passed a girl with a license plate that read �JBRATTY.” It was in a �Princess� plate frame, and she also had one of those sparkly pink stickers on the bumper that said, �100% Fine.� Oddly, there are guys who look at these glittery warning flags and think, �Ha-HA! Brataay. I like �em with a little spunk.� I know because I’ve met them. They�re the same guys who approach me at a bar, call me �sassy� when I say something less stupid than they expect, then shift uncomfortably from foot to foot when I blink at them.

6:13 p.m.

1.24.02 LADIES NIGHT EXCERPT

Lady 1: To be honest, it wasn�t that I didn�t find him attractive. I just didn�t think he was the type of guy who�d be attracted to me.

Lady 2: Why?

Lady 1: Well, I didn�t think he was into black girls.

Lady 3: Ah.

Lady 1: No� I mean… How can I put this?

Lady 4: You don�t have to be too PC.

Lady 1: No, it�s just that� Certain types of white guys are attracted to certain types of black girls. Like, there�s the guy who�s attracted to the petite, Halle Barry type of black girl�

Lady 2: The white black girl.

Lady 1: Exactly. And then there�s the guys who�re attracted to the darker black girls because it�s more of a� I don�t know. And then there�s the guys who just aren�t attracted to black girls. I sort of assumed he was one of those.

Lady 2: Why?

Lady 1: He just didn�t look like the type.

Lady 2: What, was he a rocker or something?

Lady 1: Actually, he looks a lot like Billy Idol.

All: OOOOOOOooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!

Lady 5: Like all snarly?

Lady 6: He has a beautiful set of teeth. Perfect teeth.

Lady 1: I should have brought pictures.

Lady 6: You should�ve.

Lady 5: Is he all tatted up?

Lady 1: He has some tattoos�

All: OOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!

Lady 1: We hung out together, and I stayed over, and we spent Sunday morning watching football.

Lady 2: That�s commitment.

Lady 1: Yeah, you could tell I really liked him because I was doing the girly thing, like, �Now, first in ten� What does that mean again?�

Lady 2: Awesome.

4:13 p.m.

1.24.02 DEADLINE PRESSURE

I used to work with Kate, and I miss her. Kate loved vendor gifts. She had a favorite pen that lit up when you clicked it, a straw cowboy hat sent with some promo materials, and a red bandana with a big startup logo in the middle. One day as I passed her cube, I glanced in. She was wearing the cowboy hat and had tied the bandana around her face. Her eyes widened when she saw me. �What are you doing?� I asked. She bugged her eyes, held the flashing pen above her head, and whispered:

�I�m a secret space cowboy.�

3:14 p.m.

12.6.01 LADIES NIGHT EXCERPTS

Lady 1: Tell them about what you got John for Christmas. I think this is funny.

Lady 2: What?

Lady 1: Jane and I went Christmas shopping and she bought lacy undies for herself as John’s Christmas present.

Lady 3: Sweet.

Lady 1: I think it’s cute.

Lady 3: What do they look like?

Lady 2: (Describes skimpies.) My starvation diet starts tomorrow.

All: Hahaha.

Lady 4: Hence, the fat-free fudgecicles.

Lady 5: The fudgicles are fat free?

Lady 2: Yep.

Lady 5: Oh man! How could you do that to us?

Lady 2: They’re really good.

Lady 5: So close…yet so far. Well, I guess we could always dip them in frosting.

Lady 6: I think I’ve got some Magic Shell somewhere.

(Highlight of a short sanitary products discussion:)

Lady 1: Someone once said that removing a tampon is like pulling a dead, wet mouse out of a wine bottle by its tail.

All: Whoa!

Lady 1: Dead on though.

Lady 2: Yeah. Pretty much.

1:28 p.m.

11.20.01 LADIES NIGHT

Scenario: Discussing the week’s events.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: This week has been kind of tough. Jim has this really good girlfriend who he went to school with who’s visiting. She’s spent all this time working as a doctor in Ecuador…

Lady 2: …Threatening.

Lady 1: And all the guys are friends with her, and when they talk about her, it’s always in these awed tones like, “Oh, Abri this, Abri’s so cool.”

Lady 3: (Pulls in air through teeth)

Lady 1: And she is cool. I mean, she’s done all this amazing stuff.

Lady 3: Bitch.

Lady 2: Ha!

Lady 1: No, she’s really nice. Like, I’m thinking, OK. I’m going to try really hard to like her, because I know that my natural inclination is going to be to not like her, and that’s not fair. But she turned out to be really cool.

Lady 2: Which is even more threatening.

Lady 1: No, I like her. I mean it’s been a lot better than I expected.

Lady 3: You’re a better woman than I.

Scenario: One of the ladies is in a band and wants to run a song by us.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: (Singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna see you again./ I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna kiss you again.

All: Woo hoo.

Lady 1: (singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna touch you again./ I wanna let you in!

All: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Lady 2: Tsk! She’s talking about emotional availability, you guys. Geez.

Lady 1: (singing) I wanna taste your SKIIIN!

5:08 p.m.