Tag: reader I married him

Google Bought Measure Map!

It’s been a rough period around the Mason household. When Bryan gets stressed out, he loses things. Expensive things. I can figure out how distracted he is by how much equipment disappears.

In the last few months, we’ve replaced phone, a digital camera, and an Apple laptop (as you may remember). Bryan also spent a few hours crawling around in the grass, searching for the only set of car keys we have.

This, my friends, is why my poor husband has been so stressed out. As you may or may not know, Bryan is the COO of Adaptive Path, which is the company that created Measure Map. That means he has spent a lot of time on the phone lately.

Congratulations, Mr. Mason! Screw the roses, this is the best Valentine’s Day gift a girl could ask for. I’m so, so proud of you.

Any day now, I’ll let you start carrying the car keys again.

Rub Some Dirt in it

We hear a radio story about how injuries are way up among kids because the push to excel at competitive team sports is growing.

Me: Screw that. Whatever happened to just going out in the yard and playing? I guess if they really, really want to be on a soccer team or something, but it would suck to shuttle them from event to event so you can feel like they “excel.” They should just be kids; play however they want to play.

Bryan: As long as they win.

Me: Exactly.

Brava!

Me: The bedroom is cleeeeean! (I spin with my arms outstretched, then extend one leg behind me, lifting both arms to the ceiling.) Super clean!

Bryan blinks at me from the bed.

(I pause with my leg in midair, then repeat the gesture, more dramatically, with the opposite leg.)

Bryan remains unmoved.

Me: (Hopping onto the bed.) Bryan! Fake ballet is some of my best material.

Him: Yes. It’s a rich tapestry of comedy.

Hot and Not

-What goes good with the cider?

-Scotch. Or the Maker’s is good too.

-No brown booze. That was the first thing I got sick on, and now I can’t touch it.

-That’s probably for the best.

-I don’t know. I wish I could drink it, it’s kind of a cool-chick thing.

-Eh. I think it can be one of those girls who like things boys want them to like situations. Like, Oh, I almost prefer butt sex.

-Bikini waxes? After the first few times, you barely even feel it!

-Motorcycles.

-Comic books.

-BMX racing.

-Action flicks.

-Video games.

-Making out with other straight chicks.

-I actually love stilettos. I think they can be comfortable once you’ve found the right maker for your foot.

-I don’t really like other women though. They sort of see through my whole deal.

-I just have trouble trusting them.

ID

Bryan: I don�t know where my keys are.

Me: I have mine.

Bryan: That�s not going to keep me from thinking about mine.

Me: But it will keep me from worrying about being locked out.

Bryan: It�s all about you.

Me: All the good stuff, anyway.

If He Comes Home With a Wizzard HAt, I’m Out

Bryan: So, you’re never going to read the new Harry Potter book, right?

Me: No.

Bryan: So I can tell you about it?

Me: Mmmm. Is this the part where you try to get me to discuss Harry Potter?

Bryan: Yes.

Me: Please don’t make me discuss Harry Potter with you. Please?

Bryan: Aw, come on.

Me: Seriously, baby. It’s the anti-aphrodisiac.

Bryan: It’s just a really interesting book.

Me: Remember how I don’t want to talk about this?

Bryan: She seems to be writing for her audience as it grows up. There are these really amazing scenes where

Maggie: No! Not sexy! I know you’d like to have sex again one day, and I love you so. Please don’t make me talk about this.

Bryan: OK. (Hangs head.)

Me: Oh, I’m a bitch. (sigh) Tell me all about Harry Potter.

Bryan: OK! So Harry find this book of spells

Obscurity

The Brooklyn tea shop is playing an eclectic mix of 80s music. We’ve been there working for an hour or so when Fame! comes on, and the cashier turns it up.

FAME! I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER! BABY REMEMBER MY NAAAAAME. (Remember! Remember!)

Bryan: Do you know who sings this?

Me: No.

Bryan: Maggie! She asked you to do one thing.

Million-Dollar Idea

Walking along the beach, we see four little girls frantically digging a hole on the edge of the surf. When a wave washes in, filling the hole, they squeal in dismay, and then redouble their efforts.

Me: What is it with kids digging futile holes in the sand when they know the water is just going to rush in? I must have done that a thousand times when I was little.

Bryan: (announcer voice) Since the dawn of time, children have battled the sea. Will the kids emerge victorious today, or will their small hopes be dashed yet again, against these rocky shores?

Ev: We should do a kid sports channel.

Bryan: That would be awesome! The announcers would have to be really serious.

Me: (announcer voice) If you look closely, Bob, Timmy’s lower lip is just beginning to quiver. Around mid-field he tends to turn away from the play and seek guidance from the goalie, as you may recall from the Beaver Park game in 04. Let’s see if history repeats.

Ev: I think we’ve really got something here.