Famous among dozens
Things this guy on the bus would like you to know:
Best “Real World” line ever:
“You’re not gonna do it? Tsk. I’m not gonna pinky swear with you guys ever again.”
Location: Coffee Shop
Scenario: Teenage girl waits for a friend and talks on her cell phone.
“I’m so cold. I wonder why people don’t wear their hoods. (Puts hood up.) You know what makes no sense to me? You see all those fashion shows, and they get a good response, but no one would actually wear that unless you’re that girl on “Clueless.” And their hair is all messed up. Hair is like a fashion statement.
So I went into the boy’s bathroom? I went in with, like, no shoes? Ohmigod, it was like the grossest thing. So you know how Amanda stands on the paper towels? I did that.”
Scenario: Two high school girls discuss AJ, who is a “friend” to one and love interest to the other.
What your grandma think of AJ?
She don’t like him.
Why not?
She think he’s lazy.
He is lazy.
Yeah he is. Mom likes him, but grandma don’t like him.
He sits around all day. Like, all he do is play video games and watch movies.
That’s it.
He always, like, “I’m so tired!” and I’m like, “Why you so tired? You don’t do anything.”
Yeah, but you with him.
No, I ain’t. It ain’t gonna work.
You say that now, but later…
No. No. I’m serious as a heart attack.
Yeah, he always callin’ me and sayin’ blah blah Natasha this, blah blah. She’s always on me.” I be like, “Why you callin’ me? Why you callin’ Asia to talk about Natasha?”
That’s weak.
Yeah.
He’s weak.
He just gotta make up his mind what he want from you. Quit dragging you.
He gives people mixed emotions. You know?
Yeah.
I’m through ’til I know where I stand.
He’s funny. I told him I thought Matt was cute, and he’s like, “You can’t say no to that, but you’ll say no to this?” (laughs)
What? He’s so weak. He’s always between me and you.
Well you can’t expect him not to call me and stuff. I’ve known him eighteen years.
Yeah, but he tells you everything.
But then you’re here tellin’ me about him too, so…
Yeah, but that’s different.
No it’s not.
I guess it’s not.
He tells me everything, if I ask him to. Why wouldn’t he?
…
I mean, I wouldn’t ask him. I don’t care.
I guess.
He’s just being honest.
I guess.
Well, it’s up to you.
Me and AJ, nah. It’s not gonna work.
This man on the bus is counting to himself as he rocks back and forth:
“One-thousand…
Two-thousand…
Three-thousand…
Four-thousand…
Five-thousand…
That’s music to my ears.”
Scenario: A 13-year-old girl in a thrift store holds up a trucker cap, showing it to her approximately 20-year-old shopping companions.
Girl: What do you think?
Guy: Of that?
Girl: Yeah!
Woman: For what?
Girl: For, like, wearing.
Woman: Are you serious?
Girl: Yeah. (Puts cap on.)
Guy: It’s ugly.
Girl: You don’t like it?
Guy: No. It’s ugly.
Woman: He’s right.
Girl: These are, like, really cool right now.
Guy: No they’re not.
Woman: It doesn’t look good on you.
Girl: Are you sure?
Woman: Very, very sure.
Scenario: Two junior high-age girls chat over coffee. Their thoughts turn to love.
Don’t go out with him just because you want a boyfriend.
Weeeell.
He’s shallow.
Shallow is a whole other thing.
OK.
If you tell anyone…
I’m not gonna tell anyone.
OK, I swear, if you tell them.
I’m not gonna tell. You have a ton of dirt on me.
True. Anyway, it’s not hugely liking, but … I like him.
That’s awesome.
Yeah, but I’m not gonna tell everyone.
You should tell him.
You’re not gonna tell them.
Everyone knows.
Yeah, but you’re not gonna tell them.
There’s nothing to say. Everyone already knows.
You’re not gonna say that. I’m going to tell him myself.
No you won’t, you won’t do anything about it.
Yes I will. And if you tell, I’ll tell your stuff.
No you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Please. I haven’t done that much.
Well, I’ll dig up more dirt on you, or I’ll lie and say you did something really bad.
Whatever.
Seriously. Dooooooon’t tell.
Then you have to tell.
I wiiiilllll. Don’t tell.
Then you have to tell.
Don’t.
Then you do it.
Just don’t.
…
Okaaaay? Doooooooooon’t!!!
…
Seriously. Don’t.
Scenario: Crowded mid-day bus.
Characters: Two men, one at the front of the bus, one near the back. Perhaps homeless, perhaps just a bit off.
Man 1: (Begins yelling suddenly.) K-JAMS on WYMX. WE GOTTA GRRRREEEAT SHOW FOR YOU FOLKS.
Man 2: Ha! Ha! That’s right!
Man 1: That’s right!
Man 2: Hey! Heeeeey! You know Lisa Jones?
Man 1: Yeah.
Man 2: Yeah!
Man 1: She fiddy.
Man 2: What that?
Man 1: She fiddy.
Man 2: She filthy?
Man1: Yeah.
Man 2: She ain’t filthy. She got money.
Man 1: No she ain’t.
Man 2: She got money. She got money. Get back here.
Man 1: All right.
(The two converse mostly inaudibly, except for occasional mimicry of various radio announcers.)
Man 1: This my stop.
Man 2: You gettin’ off?
Man 1: Yeah.
Man 2: No you ain’t. You gettin off up here where they got the restaurant.
Man 1: No. I got to get off. I got to get me a new T-shirt up here. One I got on all wet ’cause I spilled water on it this… this little bit earlier. I got to get a new one.
(Disembarks.)
Man 2: (Obviously annoyed. Loud.)You got to take a bath. That’s what you got to do. ‘Cause you smell. Smelly sonofabitch. I just washed up this morning. I took three showers. I wash my hair like three times with the soap, used the body wash, everything. Everything. I shampoo like three times, like five times. Like ten times! I got to make sure I smell nice.
Scenario: Bus commute at about 9:30 a.m.
Characters: Two middle-aged men.
Guy 1: A lot of people are late for work today.
Guy 2: Oh, it seems like there’s a whole bunch of people who are on this schedule.
Guy 1: Or maybe a lot of people are late for work today.
Guy 2: By an hour?
(angry silence)
Guy 2: What are you doing for lunch?
A man and woman are headed toward the junkyard where the Second Annual Power Tool Drag Races are about to begin. He’s sporting a mohawk and kilt with no underwear, she’s wearing a bra with dozens of three inch spikes on the cups. He says, “So you were a cheerleader, or you just have the pom-poms?”
Mighty Girl 