Tag: observations


FUNNY BUSINESS

So while I was at Internet World, Christine Hefner, CEO of Playboy and daughter of Hugh, gave a keynote. She was articulate and interesting, but an easy target nonetheless. While I snickered whenever she said “protecting our assets,” Bryan provided the running commentary:

Her: The site attracted a whole new audience. As a matter of fact, most of them aren’t readers of the magazine. In fact, most of them don’t read magazines at all.

Bryan: In fact, most of them can’t read.

The most intriguing part of her speech was how artfully she euphemized. Below are her quotes and my translations:

“Our advertisers know that we’re one of the premiere magazines that focuses on the entertainment sector for men.”

Men are entertained by spread-eagle photos of teenagers, our advertisers hope they will drink Jack Daniels while they Pat the Robertson.

“My father and I have always had very complimentary interests. Mine on the strategic business side, my father on the creative side.”

I run the business, dad finds creative ways to schtoop blonde twins.

“We’re also developing sections of the site that focus on specialized photography.”

Catholic schoolgirls, Catholic schoolgirls and their sisters, Catholic schoolgirls and their cats, Catholic schoolgirl cheerleaders, Catholic schoolgirl cheerleader nurses…

2:21 p.m.


AUTUMN ON THE WEST COAST

I walk past a florist every morning. About a month ago, I realized it was fall because all the buckets were filled with orange chrysanthemums. San Francisco foliage.

4:02 p.m.


SPEAKING OF “MORK AND MINDY”

Robin Williams was at the opening performance of “Proof” last night. He was wearing a suit with wide horizontal stripes in red, black, yellow, and green. We saw him at the after-party too, where one of my friends overheard him doing an impression of Osama Bin Laden’s answering machine: “Hi, this is Osama, I’m not coming to the phone right now. Leave a message. Beep!” Everything is funnier when you’re dressed like a carnival barker.

On the way home, we passed an adult bookstore with a marquee that read, “The female orgasm, fact or fiction?” Am I the only one who didn’t know this was still up for debate?

2:43 p.m.


NOE VALLEY MOMENT

Sign in a shop window on my walk home: “Interested in cheese classes? Inquire within!!!” And the sad truth? I’m totally interested in cheese classes.

5:12 p.m.


FUN WITH CRAIGSLIST

Creepy missed connections ad on Craigslist:

” Do you live above the AMC theaters on Van Ness? (Across the street) Can you see me looking at you? Just WAVE…”

Enchanting, no? Especially that last bit, with the insistent “WAVE” in all upper caps. Who writes something like that expecting to get a date? “What’s that you say, delightful thing? You’ve been watching me? Well, how quaint. I don’t even know you, and you’ve already seen me naked. Rather amusing when you think about it. It really is so difficult to meet new people in the City, what with all the crazies about. Do come over for coffee.”

In other news, a smashingly titled event from the entertainment section:

11/17-18: womens art faire this weekend 17th & 18th: ‘OVARIA’ (emeryville)

11:45 a.m.


HOT DIGGITY






This year’s Halloween was super rockadelic. I dressed up as a Hotdog on a Stick girl, and Bryan (my ever-trusty sidekick) was an enormous hotdog on a stick. It was fun, if a little overwhelming because of all the Castro men exclaiming over Bryan. “What are you? What are yooou? OOOOHHH. NOOO. You aren’t! You naughty, naughty thing. Largest on record! Soo naughty!” Rusa has more photos. Other highlights:

The drunk guy who was doing a very convincing girl imitation in his living room window above the crowd. He had on some bikini thing and a mesh beaded top, and he was grinding to wild cheers from the crowd below (most of whom were unaware that he wasn’t a she). He ultimately grabbed onto his curtain rod to do a sort of improvised stripper routine. Of course the aluminum rod came crashing down, taking Paula Abdul right along with it.

The girl who passed me saying, “I wanted a guy to say that to me, not a girl.”

A brief exchange with Evan:

Me: Hey! Someone just pinched my ass!

Evan: Me too.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN

This morning on my way in to work I passed a guy riding his bike. His grass skirt was blowing dangerously close to his chain and he was using one hand to support the four-foot-tall wooden tribal mask he was wearing. Yesterday, I passed a guy in jeans, an REI jacket, and a pair of fairy wings. I heart Halloween.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who sent birthday wishes, cards, and gifts over the last week. All of them made me smile.

10:15 a.m.


ODDS AND ENDS

Three things to consider:

  • I’ve never seen a female cab driver in San Francisco.
  • There’s a hearse parked on Mission St. that has a Jack-In-The-Box antenna ball.
  • A billboard: “Joint Juice. A full-day’s supply of glucosamine. Building cartilage has never tasted so good.”

Three food items I don’t understand:

  • Pre-cooked bacon
  • The pecans in mixed nuts
  • Maple doughnuts

2:10 p.m.


SLEEVES FOR THE NEEDY

Went to the SF Oktoberfest on Saturday. Drunken button-down dude was outside on his cell, “No, I’m busy later on. Tonight. This is a one-night offer. Tonight, that’s it.” I don’t know why he had to call for reinforcements; Oktoberfest women were of the willing variety. It was a sea of horrible toga tank tops, and those double-slit skirts that resemble loincloths. My favorite one-sleeved chick was alternately playing with her hair and pulling at her itchy, itchy skirt while talking to a bleary young man. Surrounded by 20 booths with 40-foot signs screeching SPATEN!, HEFEWIZEN!, KARLSBERGER!, she turned to her target demographic and said, “So, where do I go to get beer?”

4:53 p.m.


THINGS THAT MAKE ME UNEASY, FIRST IN A SERIES

A fire truck pulled up in front of the corner grocery store. No sirens, no lights, it looked like they just needed to pick something up. A few minutes later the firefighters emerged… with a bag of charcoal.

11:02 a.m.