19th December 2001


FUNNY BUSINESS

So while I was at Internet World, Christine Hefner, CEO of Playboy and daughter of Hugh, gave a keynote. She was articulate and interesting, but an easy target nonetheless. While I snickered whenever she said “protecting our assets,” Bryan provided the running commentary:

Her: The site attracted a whole new audience. As a matter of fact, most of them aren’t readers of the magazine. In fact, most of them don’t read magazines at all.

Bryan: In fact, most of them can’t read.

The most intriguing part of her speech was how artfully she euphemized. Below are her quotes and my translations:

“Our advertisers know that we’re one of the premiere magazines that focuses on the entertainment sector for men.”

Men are entertained by spread-eagle photos of teenagers, our advertisers hope they will drink Jack Daniels while they Pat the Robertson.

“My father and I have always had very complimentary interests. Mine on the strategic business side, my father on the creative side.”

I run the business, dad finds creative ways to schtoop blonde twins.

“We’re also developing sections of the site that focus on specialized photography.”

Catholic schoolgirls, Catholic schoolgirls and their sisters, Catholic schoolgirls and their cats, Catholic schoolgirl cheerleaders, Catholic schoolgirl cheerleader nurses…

2:21 p.m.