The menu reads, “Warm chocolate souffle with Italian wet nuts.” Bryan asks for particulars about the wet nuts. “Yeah,” the waiter mumbles. “I wish they would change that.”
Tag: observations
Red Flag
A word to the wise, gentlemen. If you’re in line for a unisex bathroom, and you’re flirting with the young lady in line behind you, don’t leave the toilet seat up.
Beware, Evil Doers
This man on the corner stands with his feet apart, hands on hips, his chin tilted up. He is waiting for the light to change. He is waiting to defend justice.
Kee Yah
Last week, my niece tested for her blue belt in Tai Kwan Do. I’m pretty sure it’s the only time I will ever hear an adult prompt a child by saying:
“William! Mindy is confused because you are not kicking her in the head.”
When each of the children was asked why he or she wanted to get a black belt, one of the ten year olds responded, “So I can get into a good college, Sir!”
At the Burlesque Show
-I could do this with my hands tied behind my back.
-You think?
-No, I’m saying that’s how I’d improve upon it. Do it with my hands tied behind my back.
-Ah. You could charge more.
Ouch
This woman on the sidewalk has two black eyes. A large butterfly bandage bridges her nose, extends up over her eyebrows, and reaches down near the corners of her mouth. I smile at her. She gives me an exaggerated apologetic look, as though she’s offended me by passing.
Good Morning
The woman across the street runs a daycare in her living room. As parents drop their kids off, she keeps the kids from crying by marching around the living room band-leader style. The toddlers clap enthusiastically from their shared playpen.
When the song is nearing its end, the little blonde boy always bends over, sticking his bum up in the air and touching his nose to his knees. He waits for it, waits for it, then leaps up and throws his hands above his head for the crescendo.
We can never move.
Oomph
- I read somewhere that when you catch yourself in a behavior you’re trying to break, you should ask yourself, “Am I helping myself right now, or hurting myself?” I’ve found it increasingly easy to change course once I’ve agreed that what I’m doing is destructive. It makes me feel protective. Like, How could I do that to me?
- “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” –AristotleI tend to spend hours watching back-to-back reruns of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Repeatedly. You?
- “Winners have simply formed the habit of doing things losers don’t like to do.” –Albert Gray(Things like taking the underwear out of the pants you wore yesterday before you put them on again. )
Happy New Year
You know it was a good party when you wake up the next morning wondering how the tops of your feet got bruised.
Ebay
“I was told that these are a pair of restraint goggles for the unlucky inmate that was strapped into the electric chair – they are very old and made out of leather and metal – they were affixed to the person after he was locked into Ol Sparky – just before the switch is thrown the spring loaded flip lens is closed so that he sees nothing.”
“This item consists of a tall kitchen bag full of human hair! The hair was collected over the course of a few weeks at Famous Barber John’s of El Dorado Hills California. There is no telling just how many people contributed to this bag.”
“Use for whatever you like.”
“This is a Similac die cut card Baby model dated 1958.”
“I’m sure that many of you have read or heard about my recent Elvis water from his onstage cup auction which was a sealed GLASS bottle with water from Elvis’ cup that he drank from while onstage in Charlotte,NC 2/21/1977..
3-4 tablespoons sold for $ 455.00 on Christmas Day…
During the past week…there has been nationwide interest in the water….but even more interest was shown in the cup…”
Jane Masfield Hot Water Bottle
“She has, as to be expected, some wear on her high spots…”
“A nice collectible of the KKK”
(I shit you not. It says “nice.”)
“Founded in 1844, the Chicken Ranch operated in peaceful coexistence with the law and the small town of La Grange, Texas throughout its entire 129-year history. In fact at the time of it’s closing, it was the oldest continually operating brothel in the nation. The real-life brothel got the name The Chicken Ranch during the depression because, when the men couldn’t afford the $3 cost of a visit to the house, the girls began accepting poultry as payment for their services.
The Chicken Ranch continued operating successfully until mid-1973, when consumer-affairs reporter Marvin Zindler from KTRK-TV in Houston ran a week long expos� on the ranch and what really went on behind closed doors.
The doors were finally shut forever on August 1, 1973 however because of its former reputation customers showed up for more than two years still looking for the place.”
Mighty Girl 