Somehow one of the registries malfunctioned and we ended up with three meat tenderizers. Right now, Bryan is using them to play air drums in the kitchen.

My to-do list is my life, and my life seems to be on red alert. We’re ten days out, and today I noticed that my list has ballooned into 123 items at five priority levels:

ACK!

Gasp!

Urgent

Necessary

Very Good Idea

The list is done though, so that’s comforting.

• Had three seemingly innocent cocktails at the hotel. Noticed I was having trouble balancing. Turns out Vodka, Tequila, and Watermelon Schnapps (with a twist of lime) are pinkly delicious.
• Almost climbed into a Toyota–occupied by a family of four–because I was under the mistaken impression that it was our cab.
• Climbed into an actual cab with aforementioned Pink Terror cocktail in hand. This was less of a problem than you might expect, as the cab driver already had a bottle of beer in his cup holder.
• Danced with another bachelorette’s giant inflatable penis.
• Thanked my dear friends for not making me carry a giant inflatable penis.
• Danced with a bridesmaid near a wall of cheering Latin gentlemen. When one of us tipped too far off vertical, said gentlemen caught us, tilted us upright, and resumed cheering.
• Wore a pink, leopard-print G-string on my head.
• Accidentally sprayed cherry-flavored whipped cream all over a friend’s blouse.
• Assured my roommate that it was fine that she was making out with my high school sweetheart, who happened to be dressed as a very unattractive woman for the evening.

If you came to mightygirl.net and found it missing this weekend, that was my bad. My spam has quadrupled in the past few weeks, and I somehow managed to delete my “domain expiring” emails without a second glance. Bryan spent many hours this weekend getting me up and running again (thanks, mister), while I addressed invitations. I now own mightygirl.net for the next ten years. Next time this happens, I can blame it on the kids.

I dreamt that they brought out our wedding cake and it was shaped like a giant teddy bear head. They had stuck a mini bride and groom in its forehead to make it seem more weddingy. This made it look like a unicorn teddy bear with cake-topper horn. I asked the baker what was going on, and she said it was artistic license.

While I was walking downtown yesterday, a cab actually sped through a puddle and sprayed me. I didn’t think that happened in real life. It felt very “Sex and the City.” (Indignance! Exasperation! Just look at my couture tutu!) Except that instead of clacking my way to Soho House in five-inch Manolos, I was en route to the dentist in my Converse. Covet my rock-and-roll lifestyle.

I go grocery shopping with Rachel, and suddenly our cart is missing.

Where’s our cart?

Wha..?

Where’s our cart?

Shit, my wallet was in there.

Shit.

Rachel hunts down the embarrassed girl who accidentally took our cart, reclaims the cart and my wallet, and puts my wallet in her purse. Ten minutes later the cart is about half full.

Where’s our cart?

Right there.

Where?

Behind the potatoes.

No, it’s not.

What the f—?

This is unbelievable.

We hunt down the new girl who took our cart. She gives us a nasty look as we approach. She does not like people. She especially does not like people approaching her cart.

Excuse me, I think you may have accidentally taken our cart.

I don’t think so. This is my cart. (sneers)

Oh… Uh…

This is my cart.

Really? Did you have two bags of broccoli…

This is definitely my cart. (begins pulling cart away from us)

…and two separate bags of potatoes and two separate bags of snap peas…

Oh. I guess it isn’t my cart.

Yeah.

Sorry.

No problem.

That last bit, the apology? It was unconvincing. Later, we were forced to mock her. “This is my Mac ‘N’ Cheese.” “Oh, I don’t think so. What you have there is my Mac ‘N’ Cheese.”

Life has been busy lately. Wedding planning combined with book proposal writing has kept my brain humming. A few days ago, I made myself lunch, and sat down to work. About an hour later, I wondered why I was so hungry, having just eaten. I thought for a minute, and walked over to the microwave. Inside was my lunch.

So Bryan used to be an actor, which means that every once in awhile I find myself doing odd things, like spending the day being a reader for a regional theater company. A reader sits in a chair and reads the lines between the lines that the real actor needs to say.

Real actor: I have always been mad for you, Bernadette.

Reader: And-I-you-Johnny.

Real actor: Marry me!

Reader: I-couldn’t-possibly. You-know-how-daddy-feels.

And so on. Today I watched many talented actors audition for many roles. I learned that when the stage direction says to express frustration, one should not necessarily hurl oneself prone on the floor and wham at the stage with one’s fists. If one does that, it is unlikely one will receive a callback.

I am in desperate need of eight full, red skirts for our bridesmaids and groomspeople. I want something like this, but in a rich blue-red. Also, I’d like to keep them under $70 or so. I’ve had people suggest David’s Bridal, but I’m not so into the shiny fabric in combination with the shirts I picked. Any alternate ideas for me? Email: maggeh at yahoo dot com. Thank you, thank you.

Update: Wow! Thanks for the help. The consensus seems to be that I should have the skirts made and/or dyed. I’ve been told that it’s difficult to dye fabric to a true red, but I’ll do a little more research. I think it may just be easier to find a seamstress. Thanks to everyone that wrote to me.