Tag: humor

A Victor and Her Spoils

If I’m the first bidder on an eBay item, I get inexplicably territorial. It’s the electronic version of peeing on a tree. When someone else bids, my competitive spirit kicks in. “Back off, girlie. Do you doubt my ability to go the distance for this pop-blue parka with fuzzy Eskimo hood? Do you think I’ve forgotten the swingy A-line tailoring, the rich satin lining?”

I get feverish with strategy. Should I lull her into a sense of complacency by letting her think I’ve lost interest? Should I bid $31.50 if I really only want to pay thirty bucks? She’s much more likely to bid $30 and give up, isn’t she?

Turns out she is. Bwaaahahahahahahaha. Say hello to the triumphant owner of this smurfy little coat. Someone please sound the trumpets.

She Got Sauce

On meeting a girl who I can’t believe is still single:

Me: Hi, I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Maggie.

Her: Hi, I’m Kate.

(Conversation ensues.)

Kate: I’m sorry, what was your name again? I’m horrible with names.

Me: No problem, it’s Maggie. I don’t remember yours either.

Kate: Here, I’ll do the little Kate dance to help cement it. (Throws hands in hair, shakes bum and turns in little circles while chanting, “Kate! Kate! Kate!)

Me: I will never, ever forget that again.

Abhaya

J: I’ve only ever gotten two tickets.
Me: Tell the speeding one.
J: It was bad.
Me: What were you doing?
J: I was going 92 in a 55.
R: Jesus.
J: And I talked back to the cop.
Me: Why?
J: He was just going on and on about how I could’ve killed someone. You know?
R: What did you say?
J: I said, “Just give me the ticket.”
Me: Whoa.
J: I was in a hurry.
Me: Where were you going?
J: To yoga.

Crocery Shopping

Me: Oh my God. They have individual little snack-size packs of ranch dressing now. Americans are disgusting. Is it too exhausting to pour it out of the bottle so you can dip stuff in it?

Guy 1: No, no. The foil tops make it easier to stick a straw in.

Me: Ha! Why don’t we just mainline it?

Guy 2: (Announcer voice) Are you tired of all those pesky ranch delivery vehicles?

Me: The baby carrots have too much texture. Celery detracts from the pure ranch experience.

Guy 1: Awesome.

LUNCH NEAR THE CONVENTION CENTER

Me: What do their badges say?

Guy 1: Digestive Disease Week.

Me: What the hell? It’s a conference?

Guy 2: Apparently.

Guy 1: Gotta go guys, I’m off to the Unusual Tongue Growths Panel.

Girl 1: Can we have lunch later? I don’t want to miss the Esophageal Extension Roundtable.

Guy 1: I can’t wait for the Ulcerous Cavities Birds of a Feather!

Me: I think they heard you.

For Sentimantal Reasons

The guy on the treadmill in front of me was muscle-bound, had a shaved head, and was wearing one of those tank tops with armholes cut down to his waist. He was reading “The Big Book of Torch Songs.”

Renting Movies in the Castro

Store Clerk: The white tags are DVD, the black tags are VHS. If you call at noon, we’ll do same-day reservations of all our Hollywood titles.

Me: Great, thanks.

(A few minutes later, on the street.)

Me: What do they mean, they’ll let you reserve the Hollywood titles?

Him: Didn’t you see the side room?

Me: No.

Him: They have a whole room full of boy-sex movies. Apparently they don’t let you reserve those in advance.

Me: I wonder why not.

Him: Probably too much trouble. They got one too many calls, Can I reserve that one with the two guys? Like, the one with the guy doing the other guy? The one with the big member?

Value

Last night there was a woman on Antiques Roadshow who had very long hair. She had, in fact, never cut her hair. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this woman was fascinated with hair and hair-related products. She had a collection of jewelry that had been made from hair. Other people’s hair. The hair of dead strangers. As I wrestled with my gag reflex, the appraiser told her the collection was valued at $4,000 to $6,000.