Tag: excerpts

According to the Useless Facts site:

All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

Charlie Brown’s father was a barber.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Octopi have gardens.

4:04 p.m.

Yo mama jokes from McSweeney’s:

Yo mama so poor…

she can’t afford a Christmas tree so she goes and finds a sad little twig in the yard and cuts out construction paper ornaments so that she can bring just a glimmer of light to her children’s Christmas celebration.

1:47 p.m.

I just read a fantastic statistic in Time Magazine. Apparently, only 6 percent of brick and mortar CEOs would eat another human being if they were starving and stranded. However, 23 percent of Internet startup CEOs said they’d break out the carving knives.

10:02 a.m.

I found an article

on Slashdot about the possibility of using bacteria in semiconductors to create “biotransistors.” Powering machines with the energy of living things kinda creeps me out.

9:44 a.m.

From
McSweeny’s:

AN INVESTIGATIVE INTERVIEW BETWEEN A SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AND A WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE

 SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR: Is it true that Weebles
 wobble, but they don't fall down? 

 WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE: Yes. 

 SUN: Does that mean they simply choose not to fall down, or that it is
 impossible for them to fall down? 

 WR: It is impossible for Weebles to fall down. And since Weebles are
 not living things, it is also impossible for them to choose to do
 anything. 

 SUN: Weebles aren't alive? But what about those creepy eyes? 

 WR: While Weeble artisans make a concerted effort to create a lifelike
 appearance on each and every Weeble, I can assure you that your
 Weebles are not alive. 

 SUN: But� 

 WR: Seriously, they're not alive. Get a grip. 

 SUN: Okay, can we back up a little bit? Because I'm getting confused.
 Weebles fall down, but they don't wobble? Is that it? 

 WR: No, no, no. This is not difficult. They wobble, and do not fall
 down. How many times do I have to say it? 

 SUN: Well, wait a minute now. I stuck a Weeble into some Silly Putty,
 and now it's lying down. What do you have to say to that? 

 WR: Just because a Weeble is lying down does not mean that it fell
 down. Lying down is something one does on purpose, while falling
 down is accidental. 

 SUN: But how can Weebles do anything on purpose if they're not
 alive? 

 WR: Hey. That was just a figure of speech. 

 SUN: Okay, I'm dropping a Weeble off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
 I think now you have to admit that it's falling, don't you? 

 WR: Ah, well, now you're just taking advantage of the broader range of
 connotations of "fall" vis-�-vis the comparatively narrow definition of
 "fall down". Perhaps this is a slightly abstruse semantic point, but while
 one can not fall down without falling, it is possible to fall without
 falling down, if you catch my drift. 

 SUN: Well, being seemingly unreliable, I don't quite follow you there,
 but let's move on anyway. What is inside a Weeble? 

 WR: Just plastic. Oh, and a single pellet of a mysterious superheavy
 compound from a faraway planet that fell to earth in a giant meteorite, of
 course. 

 SUN: While I've got you here, you don't know what happened to my
 cat, do you? It was in the bedroom the last time I looked. 

 WR: Well, the Weebles didn't eat it, that's for sure! Because they're not
 alive. Ha ha. Really. Not... alive. Can't stress that enough. I have to go
 now.


10:17 a.m.

Exhortation
By Mike Nichols

You have not, as I, walked
the silent sleeping streets,
with streaming eyes, running
from the women in the windows.
You have not slid, as I have slid,
under the seas to see the shells,
smiling and swimming silently.
You have not seen the moon
running along the sky.
So shut up.


10:25 a.m.

My two favorite


Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy:

“Any time I see something screech across the room and latch on to someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I just have to laugh, because what is that thing?!”

“I can still recall old Mr. Barslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that board of his. Then he’d spin in round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where he stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.”


3:04 p.m.