19th July 2000

From
McSweeny’s:

AN INVESTIGATIVE INTERVIEW BETWEEN A SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AND A WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE

 SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR: Is it true that Weebles
 wobble, but they don't fall down? 

 WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE: Yes. 

 SUN: Does that mean they simply choose not to fall down, or that it is
 impossible for them to fall down? 

 WR: It is impossible for Weebles to fall down. And since Weebles are
 not living things, it is also impossible for them to choose to do
 anything. 

 SUN: Weebles aren't alive? But what about those creepy eyes? 

 WR: While Weeble artisans make a concerted effort to create a lifelike
 appearance on each and every Weeble, I can assure you that your
 Weebles are not alive. 

 SUN: But� 

 WR: Seriously, they're not alive. Get a grip. 

 SUN: Okay, can we back up a little bit? Because I'm getting confused.
 Weebles fall down, but they don't wobble? Is that it? 

 WR: No, no, no. This is not difficult. They wobble, and do not fall
 down. How many times do I have to say it? 

 SUN: Well, wait a minute now. I stuck a Weeble into some Silly Putty,
 and now it's lying down. What do you have to say to that? 

 WR: Just because a Weeble is lying down does not mean that it fell
 down. Lying down is something one does on purpose, while falling
 down is accidental. 

 SUN: But how can Weebles do anything on purpose if they're not
 alive? 

 WR: Hey. That was just a figure of speech. 

 SUN: Okay, I'm dropping a Weeble off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
 I think now you have to admit that it's falling, don't you? 

 WR: Ah, well, now you're just taking advantage of the broader range of
 connotations of "fall" vis-�-vis the comparatively narrow definition of
 "fall down". Perhaps this is a slightly abstruse semantic point, but while
 one can not fall down without falling, it is possible to fall without
 falling down, if you catch my drift. 

 SUN: Well, being seemingly unreliable, I don't quite follow you there,
 but let's move on anyway. What is inside a Weeble? 

 WR: Just plastic. Oh, and a single pellet of a mysterious superheavy
 compound from a faraway planet that fell to earth in a giant meteorite, of
 course. 

 SUN: While I've got you here, you don't know what happened to my
 cat, do you? It was in the bedroom the last time I looked. 

 WR: Well, the Weebles didn't eat it, that's for sure! Because they're not
 alive. Ha ha. Really. Not... alive. Can't stress that enough. I have to go
 now.


10:17 a.m.