My two favorite

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy:

“Any time I see something screech across the room and latch on to someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I just have to laugh, because what is that thing?!”

“I can still recall old Mr. Barslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that board of his. Then he’d spin in round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where he stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.”

3:04 p.m.