Tag Archives: emails

15th November 2001


From:Intrepid reporter friend.

Subject: Editorial Integrity


“As you may have heard, Mark told some brilliant lies and almost got me a job, but the facade cracked when his boss asked this pointed (and loaded) question: “Do you even know what newspapers do?” I mean, how are you supposed to answer that? Apparently, not with “no.” So, providentially (which means “and then Fate/Satan played another cruel joke”), the building trade magazine I was freelancing for offered me a full-time job. They have a new Editor-in-Chief (third one in the same year — how’s THAT for job security), and she’s got grand visions about making it a “real” magazine. Bless her heart. She’s still fighting the good fight. Today, a guy from advertising came in and said, “Can you do a story on this roofing manufacturer? They just bought an ad,” and she replied, “We don’t do that anymore,” and stared him down. Wow. She’s going to get fired real soon.”

11:55 a.m.

27th June 2001


Subject: Affection.


And Tom in love is an absolutely sickening sight. Like if you go on a double date with him, which I did once, you put your date in the car, get into the driver’s seat, and wait three and a half minutes for Tom and what’s her face to make out and debate who sits on what side in Lady and the Tramp voices. This is all very strange to a guy whose idea of romance is saying “you wanna be on top or on the bottom?”

3 p.m.

11th May 2001


Subject: Summer jobs.


The first thing I found out about selling cars is that the dumber you are,
the better. These women come up and say, “What’s the difference between
these two convertibles?” So I say, “This one has 190 horsepower, and this
one has 170 horsepower.” And then they say, “But this one is purple.”

3:47 p.m.

23rd April 2001


Subject: Toledo and the state of higher education.


“At the University of Toledo today, the sidewalk was chalked up with all
kinds of misspelled school spirit: ‘Your here!’ ‘Sign up for the ski
raceing team!’ What the fuck are these people going to do?”

11:05 a.m.

9th April 2001


Subject: More about the bad things that happen when you include the word “girl” in your blog title.


Have you looked at your search engine keywords thingy lately?!

  • Father fucking girl
  • Erotic stories of little girl pajama parties
  • Naked girl fighting
  • Thick free black girl

Man, you have all the cool parties.

3:58 p.m.

To the person who found my site by searching for “this girl i’ve been following:” I found your sleeping bag and toothbrush in the crawl space under my house. They’re on the porch. I’m keeping the photos. (Call me.)

10:45 a.m.

4th April 2001


Subject: Modern dance.

From: A college friend.


“Dance is the bomb, and I don’t need to tell you that! I wonder what Jenny Smith [college choreographer, whose name has been changed to protect my ass] is up to these days. I still think it’s the funniest thing that she would always be Miss Purity, but all her dances would totally be about sex. She’d be like, ‘It’s not sexual. It’s SENsual. Now rub your chest and roll on the ground.'”

4:45 p.m.

My friend Sean posted an almost comically offensive Black History Month lunch flyer that he found in his office. Can you believe that this was produced last year?

9:57 a.m.

20th March 2001


Subject: Med school epiphanies and my bony ass.


“I learned how to calculate my body mass index today. There’s overweight,
obese I, obese II, and obese III. After that, there’s just a picture of
Jabba the Hut.

Take your weight in lbs. as the numerator.
Divide by your height in inches, squared (e.g. if you’re 60″, that’s 3600
inches squared). Take this number and multiply it times 703. If its greater than
than 25, it’s time to get your fat ass to Gold’s (me). If it’s less than 18, it’s
time to get your bony ass to Sizzler (you).”

3:23 p.m.

From Accidental:

100 Ways to say I LOVE YOU: I’m still waiting for “100 Ways
to say LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS,” or “100 Ways to say IT’S
NOT YOU, IT’S ME.” Or how about “100 Ways to say I
SEX.” That’s the clincher, in my book.”

10:05 a.m.