I’m reading In the Skin of the Lion by Michael Ondaatje. I love this description of a girl rolling over:

“Clara turned slowly like something on the floor of the ocean.”

2:27 p.m.

Another Onion tribute:

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers
Junior

NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a
Manhattan Burger King, New York
Times ‘On Language’ columnist
William Safire ordered two “Whoppers
Junior” Monday. “A majority of Burger
King patrons operate under the
fallacious assumption that the plural is
‘Whopper Juniors,'” Safire told a
woman standing in line behind him.
“This, of course, is a grievous
grammatical blunder, akin to saying
‘passerbys’ or, worse yet, the dreaded
‘attorney generals.'” Last week, Safire
patronized a midtown Taco Bell,
ordering “two Big Beef Burritos
Supreme.”

4:00 p.m.

Some chick is out at a bar one night thinking, “Sure, you can see my nipples thorough my shirt most of the time. But what if it’s warm out, or my shirt isn’t creating enough friction? There may be entire minutes when my nipples aren’t as perky and visible as I’d like. How can I ensure that my nipples look exactly how I want them to look all the time?”

Enter Body Perks, a site that sells fake nipples to paste over your -real- nipples. The idea is that they’ll be at attention all the time and will more effectively show through your shirt. And get their catchy ad slogan: “Nipples are in!”

Right.

2:04 p.m.

This is the most interesting portion of an article on the possibility of implanting computer chips in our brains:

Researchers at the University of
Washington estimate that it will take them a
decade to implant tiny computer chips into the
brain of a sea slug, which will then be released to
wander the ocean floor under video surveillance.

When the slug moves forward, dozens of
intracellular electrodes will record its neural
activity. When the slug stops, the electrodes will
record that, too.

When enough data have been collected, the
scientists will begin reverse-programming:
feeding the recorded electrical patterns back into
the slug’s brain. If all goes well, the slug will go
forward. (The military applications are
staggering.)

10:28 a.m.

Technology advances so fast that I feel like Judy Jetson. This is a great idea:

The furry mascots of the 2000 Summer Olympics
in Sydney — as well as an avalanche of caps,
T-shirts, mugs, pins and other official Olympics
merchandise — are being tagged with invisible
ink containing DNA strands from an unidentified
Australian athlete.

3:44 p.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

To: Me

From: A friend who just got off icq.

Scenario: He and a fellow programmer discuss a new word.

Excerpt:

maggie, you have to read this. it’s an icq
conversation I just had with
Scott.

<stupid conversation>

Scott: I got mad perl hacking phearness!

Marty: phearness?

Scott: yes its a term that was created in this
very room……

Marty: what does it mean?

Scott: it means kinda anything…but particular
and in that expample its
kinda like means that my mad perl hacking skilll are
so great they should
cause others fear..hence I got mad perl hacking
phearness…..

Marty: that makes no sense. and what are you, a
rapper?

Scott: its makes perfect sense…what kinda
programmer are you? and no I
am not a rapper!

Marty: -ness: suff. State; quality; condition; degree: brightness.

I’m pretty sure the prefix to -ness has to be an
adjective. dictionary.com
lists 0 references to fear being an adjective.

Marty: thus, it makes no sense.

Marty: it certainly doesn’t make perfect sense.

Scott: obvisoiuly you just don’t
understand….you must have no
programming phearness

Marty: I hope not, it sounds stupid

Scott: poor martin…your just not down with the
scene

Marty: and I’m sure that neither you nor me could
cause others fear via
programming skill. in fact, I’m reasonably certain
that bjarne wouldn’t
cause anyone fear due to programming skill, and he’s
arguably the best
programmer ever.

Scott: why must you argue such points with me?
just accept it as a cool
word….obviously your just not under enough stress
at your job to
understand code hakcing phearness

Marty: well I’m certainly not under enough stress to
invent grammatically
incorrect affix construction and then incorrectly
deduce its meaning.

Scott: i can mean whatever the fuck we want we
invented the god damn
thing and its not like the god damn english language
makes any fucking sense
anyway! bitch ass mother fucker!

</stupid conversation>

7:49 p.m.