Value

Last night there was a woman on Antiques Roadshow who had very long hair. She had, in fact, never cut her hair. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this woman was fascinated with hair and hair-related products. She had a collection of jewelry that had been made from hair. Other people’s hair. The hair of dead strangers. As I wrestled with my gag reflex, the appraiser told her the collection was valued at $4,000 to $6,000.

Bridge Over Troubled Water

When I was in Junior High, I was looking to fill an elective and the guidance counselor cajoled me into taking an emotional-sensitivity class that she’d developed. Whenever one student said something nasty to another, the counselor would snap, I heard a put down. Two put-ups, please. Whereupon, the kid would laugh long and hard, then find a way to disguise two more insults as compliments. Nice pants, I’m way into rainbow stripes. I also like your eye shadow. It’s really purple. Then we closed our eyes and listened to Simon and Garfunkel.

Josh Needs a Date

Josh is nice. Josh is available. I like him. Josh is in sight of earning his Ph.D at Berkeley in Genetics. He could engineer the perfect child. Pictured here is his winning smile. Also pictured, his exceptional abdomen. (Josh made me take down the picture of his exceptional abdomen. Boo.) Josh is embarrassed. See Josh blush. He plays soccer. Right now he is reading George Orwell’s biography. Well, not right now. Right now we’re getting drunk with a large group of friends. Later, Josh will read George Orwell’s biography. With keen interest. With intent. Josh is a man who reads with intent. You should date him if you are a girl who likes to date boys. E-mail Josh at datejosh@yahoo.com. I’ll pay for the date. (As long as the date is very, very cheap.) Hooray!

Mom Material

In San Francisco, when people don’t want outdated computer components (or bedroom sets), they put them out on the street in hopes that someone will take them away. I was walking by a school this weekend when I saw two boys coming up the street with an old printer. They were stalking around a recessed playground where a young couple was playing basketball.

The courtyard was about 15 feet below street level. The boy holding the printer was looking around nervously; the other one was yelling, Drop it! Drop it! I knew the printer would smash spectacularly, I also envisioned some of its smaller component parts flying up into the basketball players eyes. So I mustered my most adult voice and yelled:

HEY! Don’t drop that there, you might hit those people… Drop it, like, over there.

Overheard: Love in a Time of…


3.5.02 OVERHEARD: LOVE IN A TIME OF…

Scenario: A young man and woman discuss two mutual acquaintances who’ve just had a romantic rendezvous.

Him: He’s dirty.

Her: Dirty?

Him: Dirdy birdy.

Her: Uh-oh. Someone’s gonna be fightin the fungus.

Overheard: City Parking

Scenario: Two young men walking to work. One is wearing leather pants; the other, sport sandals and a baseball cap.

Guy 1: Did I tell you that you can park over there for ten bucks? Right there. All day.

Guy 2: Shit. That’s a good reason to get a car.

Guy 1: Yeah it is.

Biathalon: Cross-country Ski and Shoot

Context

Him: Don’t we have more guns per capita than any other nation? We are a nation of guns! Why aren’t we taking this event?

Me: Perhaps if the targets bled.

How much for the team?

Him: This would make a great bachelor party

Me: A ski and shoot?

Him: Yeah. They’re all these tight chicks, they’re wearing spandex body suits, and they shoot at shit. That’s way better than some stripper.

Hurry up Helga

The biathalon isn’t exactly a fast-paced sport. They play up-tempo music over the loudspeakers to amp the crowd, but the race is pretty much decided several minutes before it ends. Announcers still have to come up with something to say, and they often don’t speak English as a first language. Highlights:

  • Five minutes before finish: Unless something freaky happens to her on the course, it looks like the German team will take it.
  • Three minutes before finish: If you look at the video board time, then it’s like the Germans are running around with a smile on their lips.
  • One minute before finish (only one competitor is even in sight of the finish line): She’s looking behind her, to see if anyone can beat her. But 33 seconds, it’s too much.