Overheard

Scenario: Two junior high-age girls chat over coffee. Their thoughts turn to love.

Don’t go out with him just because you want a boyfriend.

Weeeell.

He’s shallow.

Shallow is a whole other thing.

OK.

If you tell anyone…

I’m not gonna tell anyone.

OK, I swear, if you tell them.

I’m not gonna tell. You have a ton of dirt on me.

True. Anyway, it’s not hugely liking, but … I like him.

That’s awesome.

Yeah, but I’m not gonna tell everyone.

You should tell him.

You’re not gonna tell them.

Everyone knows.

Yeah, but you’re not gonna tell them.

There’s nothing to say. Everyone already knows.

You’re not gonna say that. I’m going to tell him myself.

No you won’t, you won’t do anything about it.

Yes I will. And if you tell, I’ll tell your stuff.

No you won’t.

Yes, I will.

Please. I haven’t done that much.

Well, I’ll dig up more dirt on you, or I’ll lie and say you did something really bad.

Whatever.

Seriously. Dooooooon’t tell.

Then you have to tell.

I wiiiilllll. Don’t tell.

Then you have to tell.

Don’t.

Then you do it.

Just don’t.

…

Okaaaay? Doooooooooon’t!!!

…

Seriously. Don’t.

You Shall Know Our Velocity

I’ve been sick for a week. This gave me a chance to finish Dave Eggers’s latest book. I also watched several episodes of “Newlyweds” the new MTV reality series. If you have some spare time, allow me to recommend the book. My favorite parts:

“Passing a middle-aged couple in matching jackets:

–You two need to change.

–What? Why? the middle aged couple said, to my head, in my head.

–Because you are wearing the same jacket.

–We bought them while on vacation in Newport.

–You must be hidden from view.

–The jackets are nice.

–They are not nice. You must change to save us all.”

“–You, on the motorcycle.

–Yes.

–It’s only a matter of time.

–I know.”

“I would know that in any city, at an hour like this, there are people sleeping. That most people are sleeping. But that in any city, in any cluster of people, there are a few people who are awake at this hour, who are both awake and dancing, and it’s here that we need to be.”

Oops

If you came to mightygirl.net and found it missing this weekend, that was my bad. My spam has quadrupled in the past few weeks, and I somehow managed to delete my “domain expiring” emails without a second glance. Bryan spent many hours this weekend getting me up and running again (thanks, mister), while I addressed invitations. I now own mightygirl.net for the next ten years. Next time this happens, I can blame it on the kids.

My Subconscous at Work

I dreamt that they brought out our wedding cake and it was shaped like a giant teddy bear head. They had stuck a mini bride and groom in its forehead to make it seem more weddingy. This made it look like a unicorn teddy bear with cake-topper horn. I asked the baker what was going on, and she said it was artistic license.

Achilles Intact

While I was walking downtown yesterday, a cab actually sped through a puddle and sprayed me. I didn’t think that happened in real life. It felt very “Sex and the City.” (Indignance! Exasperation! Just look at my couture tutu!) Except that instead of clacking my way to Soho House in five-inch Manolos, I was en route to the dentist in my Converse. Covet my rock-and-roll lifestyle.

And the livin’ is Easy

San Francisco is finally getting its summer. For the next five days or so, we’ll be basking in 80-degree weather and soaking in self-tanning lotion.

Yesterday I wore a miniskirt in celebration. I’d forgotten two things about miniskirts: 1) When you’re taking public transportation, you really want to review your seat for foreign substances before you sit down. Really. 2) The bums won’t leave you alone. This is because warm-weather clothing in SF is a signal that you’re obviously a tourist, and therefore more willing to give them a buck so they’ll stop following you.

Wedding Quotes

Me: What about, ” Where there is love, there is pain.”

Her: That’s perfect.

Me: “Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.”

Her: Coffee and what?

Me: “Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.”

Her: Pottery?

Other promising options include:

  • Loving a woman who scorns you is like licking honey from a thorn.
  • Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
  • What female heart can despise gold?

Stuffy

On the corner of Eddy and Polk there is a slow, shuffling man without pants. More accurately, this man has decided to pull down his pants and underwear until they are just below his bare bum. This makes it difficult to walk, but he inches along, drawing barely a glance from those around him. Who would begrudge him a little air?

San Francisco tolerance combined with the temperate clime is apparently a recipe for men without pants. I’ve seen scores in the past few years, and it continues to crack me up. Somehow, I’ve never been moved to take off my own pants and walk around. Maybe I need to loosen up.