Excuse Me

From the back of the bus comes a belch that sends out sound waves you can feel against your skin. The volume and intensity of this belch are unrivaled. Everyone turns, ears ringing, to find the culprit slouched in his seat. He has pulled up the neck of his T-shirt to cover his mouth. “EX-cuuse me. EX-CU-se me,” he shouts. His tone is defiant, threatening. He belches again. This second belch reaches multiple climaxes. The other passengers recoil, and the belch stretches down the center aisle. It is deafening; it strains credulity. “EX-cuuse me. EX-CU-se me,” he shouts. “EXCUSE me, ladies and gentlemen!” The irritated man in front of him responds.

“You better say excuse me. You almost ripped my ear off, dog.”

“That’s why I’m covering my mouth with my shirt, man. Chill out, man.”

“You the one makin’ all the noise. Disgusting.”

“I covered my mouth. It’s all good.”

“No, it ain’t.”

“It’s all good. We’re 93 million miles from the sun.”

… (The man in front of him stiffens.)

Anyway, I’m gettin’ off right here. It’s all good anyway. I’m getting the hell away from you. Everything is war, and war is everywhere.

Worst Pick-Up Line Ever

I sit down on the bus next to a guy my age. He smiles winningly; I pull out my magazine. “What are you reading?” he asks. I show him the cover. “Oh. GQ?” “No,” I reply, “Esquire.” I go back to reading. “… Isn’t that a men’s magazine?” he asks. “Mmmhmm,” I say, and continue reading. “Yeah,” he says, “I sometimes pick up copies of Cosmo.”

The Message

This man is walking along the street in a pair of sweats and a rain slicker. His hair is long and gray, bald in patches, and it seems to be reaching away from his scalp in every direction. He is holding a sign that says DOWN WITH DIKS. He passes someone with a video camera, and the man mugs, turning his sign round and round:

DOWN WITH DIKS

UP WITH CHIKS

DOWN WITH DIKS

UP WITH CHIKS

And so on down the street.

Josh A. Cagan, Multi-Tousandaire

Josh Cagan, is a peculiarly good guy. The guy to whom you’d give your spare set of keys, the guy who would be extra-careful with your newborn infant, the guy who worries about you when something has you down.

Josh recently sold his first screenplay for a jillion dollars. He was in LA, and he flew up to celebrate with us. We baked cookies, played Scrabble, and drank too much, while Josh shook his head in disbelief. He flew back down… and sold another damn screenplay. For those of you who are counting, that’s two screenplays in two weeks.

This officially makes Josh a rockstar. And, in my book, he is exactly kind of guy to whom that stuff should happen. Thanks, karma.

Tabacco Stains

I had a gyno appointment today.

How did that go?

OK. My vagina is perfectly healthy.

That’s good news.

Yeah. It was funny, the gynecologist was making small talk while she’s examining me. Like, “Oh, you’re a writer? My dad’s a writer too.”

Ha! I had that happen. We were having this conversation and she’s checking things out. Then she says, “Do you smoke?” I’m like, “Wha…? Can you tell?”

Cultural Enrichment

Do you ever watch “Newlyweds?” I’m ashamed of how much I love it.

Yeah. I can’t look away.

She’s so greeeaat.

Yeah, have you seen her latest video?

No.

It’s all about her being a super-cutesy inept housewife. You can tell it’s not an act because at one point she tries to be all sexy by removing her rubber cleaning gloves with her teeth. I just about hurked. That’s a girl who has never scrubbed a toilet in her life.

Ha! Yeah. I love Nick. Like how he can’t believe the things she’s saying sometimes, but he wants to help, you know?

I don’t like him. I think he’s kind of mean to her, especially because she tries so hard. She’s like, “I married my dad.” He’s scratching his head, like, “I want to sleep with her, but I also want to tell her what to do.”

Aaaaaaaa.

Cannot look away.

Totally.

Bel Canto

The best parts of Bel Canto by Ann Patchett:

“The room was filled with the pleasant smell of candles just snuffed, a smoke that was sweet and wholly unthreatening. A smell that meant it was late now, time to go to bed.”

“The room was sugared with promise.”

“They were early [to the opera], but other people were earlier, as part of the luxury that came with the ticket price was the right to sit quietly in this beautiful place and wait.”

“Certainly he knew (though did not completely understand) that opera wasn’t for everyone, but for everyone he hoped there was something.”

“In his day, Oscar himself had made too many girls forget their better instincts and fine training by biting them with tender persistence at the base of their skull, just where the hairline grew in downy wisps. Girls were like kittens in this way, if got them right at the nape of their neck they went easily limp.”