WWGD?

So, I bought a video by Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer, Tracy Anderson. I did this as part of my efforts to optimize, but also because I am over thirty. When you turn thirty, the mind-police arrive, flash this thing in your eyes, and suddenly you feel compelled to do anything Gwyneth Paltrow recommends.

(Related aside: I cannot stop talking about the things I saw on Oprah. As I will myself to shut up, I can hear my mouth charging ahead with enthralling anecdotes about the Olsen twins’ business philosophies (shut up!), extending your passion to the world (shut! up!), and S-shaped bowel movements (ohmydeargod, shut up!). It’s gotten so bad that I decided I had to stop mentioning Oprah’s name in conversation. So now I say, “I saw this thing on… TV about how your poop is supposed to be S-shaped?” And all the women around me nod knowingly.)

Anyway, I got the post-partum workout video even though I have a two year old, because the stuff I want to change about my body is mostly related to pregnancy. Also, I am weak as a hairless kitten. I have trouble summoning the muscle power to type this, and I try to reserve what little strength I have for lifting forkfuls of cheesy pasta to my lips. Taxing, that.

So I decided to start off slowly and build my workout confidence! I watched the video on fast forward, and Tracy barely seemed to move. Nearly all the exercises are on the mat, and supine is my preferred exercise position. Let’s do this thing!

I unrolled my mat, grabbed my weights, turned the video on, and ten minutes later I felt a grave uncertainty settle in. Holy mother of Mallowmar, people. I couldn’t safely complete the first section, let alone the whole video. Fifteen minutes in I was doing that crazed heyena whimper-laugh, closely followed by the rabbit death keen.

I had resolved to try it for seven straight days, but by the second day I couldn’t rise from a reclined position. I also couldn’t hold my head upright, and my tongue felt all achy. I stopped after the second workout in self defense, but a strange thing happened, dear reader. As my stomach fibers began to recongeal, I could see a difference! After two workouts! Bryan concurs that I am not hallucinating.

And so I’ve decided, again, to go at it for a week. Let’s see how this turns out. Please wave if you see me crawling on the sidewalk.

Little Luxuries, Warm Cookies

A while ago, Not Martha posted about freezing cookie dough balls, so you could have one or two warm cookies when you wanted something sweet.

I don’t like the chemical-laden cookie dough you can get at the store, and I tend to avoid making cookies, because I immediately stuff the whole batch in my face.

So last time I made a batch, I doubled it and popped these in the freezer. Man, nothing is better than a late-night treat of a warm cookie or two, especially when friends are over. Give it a try, it’s an easy thing that makes your life nicer.

Also Fanta Posse Sounds Vaguely Erotic

The Fanta Girls Are My Hip-Hop Posse
Say I’m too busy working on my streetwear line to find a posse. Enter the Fantanas, a pre-cast set of hot multi-ethnic chicks, ready to follow me around to parties. They’re never too exhausted to dance on the bar in my stead, and I’m pretty sure they never need to be fed or use the bathroom. That being the case, you may wonder why I wouldn’t call on the arguably more talented and media-savvy Pussycat Dolls. But I think someone is forgetting about the bottomless supply of second-rate mixers.

First Job: Whistleblower in Hotpants

My first real job was as a file clerk for the school district office, where my friend was stealing time. I’m the kind of person who feels a German level of discomfort about littering, so you can imagine me as a righteous, dismayed fifteen year old.

The clerks eventually told management about our suspicions. Did they not find it odd that she would sit in back with us for fifteen minutes, but mark six hours on her time sheet? They watched her for a week, pulled her aside to chat with her, and then never mentioned it again.

She continued to steal, in a slightly less dramatic fashion, and a few weeks later I was reprimanded for wearing cut-off shorts to the office.



Rainbows. Kittens. My hair.

I just closed comments on the circumcision post, because for the first time ever on Mighty Girl, Godwin’s Law is in effect. We made it to post number 58 before the Nazi mention though, so kudos kids. Also, I love conversations like this because it’s fun to see all the doctors and scientists come out of the woodwork. Hi, guys!

OK, now for a palate cleanser. Every time I do one of these videos, people ask how I got my hair that way. I’ve ignored it, because I do have curly hair, but you know when people keep asking about your hair through the Nazi comments, it’s time to pony up. So here’s what I do:

-I wash it with Burt’s Bees Pomegranite and Soy Shampoo.
-I condition with the Costco bottle of Paul Mitchell for dry hair.
-I towel dry, and comb it with a wide-tooth comb.
-While it’s wet, I scrunch in some type of curly product like: Curl Friends Replenish Leave in Conditioner, TIGI Catwalk Curls Rock Amplifier, or lately DevaCurl B’Leave-In, which was recommended by the lovely Sarah Brown.
-Once it air dries, I scrunch in John Frieda Secret Weapon to make the curls less frizzy and smooth flyaways.
-If I’m going to be on camera or it’s a special occasion, I take the remaining frizzy bits and use three or four medium sized rollers to tame them. I like the Conair Hot Sticks because they make curls that look like the rest of my curls.

Voila! Tomorrow, we’ll discuss Obama’s stimulus package and my awesome new lipstick.

Plinky

Have you heard about Plinky yet? It launched yesterday, and you might want to go grab your preferred user name before it’s gone.

Plinky gives you a new question to answer every day, and lets you friend people and compare answers with them, sort of like you can on Facebook or Twitter. You can favorite other people’s answers, and publish your own answers to your blog (or your Twitter feed), and so forth. If you’re already blogging, it’s a nice way to supplement and to help your readership grow. If you’re not, it’s a less work-intensive way to connect with friends. I’m an advisor to the company, and I’m excited about it, so I’ll be posting my answers to Plinky prompts here in the next few weeks. Go have a look, and let me know what you think.