3rd February 2009

So, I bought a video by Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer, Tracy Anderson. I did this as part of my efforts to optimize, but also because I am over thirty. When you turn thirty, the mind-police arrive, flash this thing in your eyes, and suddenly you feel compelled to do anything Gwyneth Paltrow recommends.

(Related aside: I cannot stop talking about the things I saw on Oprah. As I will myself to shut up, I can hear my mouth charging ahead with enthralling anecdotes about the Olsen twins’ business philosophies (shut up!), extending your passion to the world (shut! up!), and S-shaped bowel movements (ohmydeargod, shut up!). It’s gotten so bad that I decided I had to stop mentioning Oprah’s name in conversation. So now I say, “I saw this thing on… TV about how your poop is supposed to be S-shaped?” And all the women around me nod knowingly.)

Anyway, I got the post-partum workout video even though I have a two year old, because the stuff I want to change about my body is mostly related to pregnancy. Also, I am weak as a hairless kitten. I have trouble summoning the muscle power to type this, and I try to reserve what little strength I have for lifting forkfuls of cheesy pasta to my lips. Taxing, that.

So I decided to start off slowly and build my workout confidence! I watched the video on fast forward, and Tracy barely seemed to move. Nearly all the exercises are on the mat, and supine is my preferred exercise position. Let’s do this thing!

I unrolled my mat, grabbed my weights, turned the video on, and ten minutes later I felt a grave uncertainty settle in. Holy mother of Mallowmar, people. I couldn’t safely complete the first section, let alone the whole video. Fifteen minutes in I was doing that crazed heyena whimper-laugh, closely followed by the rabbit death keen.

I had resolved to try it for seven straight days, but by the second day I couldn’t rise from a reclined position. I also couldn’t hold my head upright, and my tongue felt all achy. I stopped after the second workout in self defense, but a strange thing happened, dear reader. As my stomach fibers began to recongeal, I could see a difference! After two workouts! Bryan concurs that I am not hallucinating.

And so I’ve decided, again, to go at it for a week. Let’s see how this turns out. Please wave if you see me crawling on the sidewalk.

8 thoughts on “WWGD?

  1. KS

    I rushed over to Amazon and bought this video because you said that you saw a difference after only 2 workouts. I even paid $7.50 for Rush! delivery. I just completed my first workout and even though I didn’t use any weights, my arms are shaking while I type this. Holy mother this thing is hard. I thought I was kind of strong but it turns out I have the muscle tone of a jellyfish! No – I ASPIRE to have the muscle tone of a jellyfish. Right now I’m more along the lines of wet grocery bag. Owie.

  2. Jennifer

    Maggie, wow, you said it so well! I cannot remember the last time that I did a workout video at home (the 80s?), but I have also been eyeing these videos. If it is working for you *and* Gwyneth, I am convinced!

  3. Helen Jane

    I have also been doing this for 2 weeks and although I feel the same about GOOP as I do S-shaped poops, my belly does look less like there’s still a baby in there…

  4. becky

    Okay, you convinced me too. Or you plus Gwynneth did. I too do everything she says–I have got a wicked girl crush on her that I’m sublimating into a crush on Chris Martin. My DVD is supposed to arrive Monday. Will report back.

  5. Jen

    OMG, the whole hyena whimper laugh is so dead-on. I saw her little thing she sent to Gwynnie, on GOOP (ack!), and could tell in the first five seconds I would die from it. I saved it for my masochistic SIL though…

  6. Kathy

    Hi Maggie
    I got this workout too. I was so sore after the first two sessions that I wanted to quit. I decided to break up the workout into three days. Abs-Arms-Buns. And it’s going good now. I too have a wicked girl crush on GP and thank you for the link to her blog/site. I didn’t know she had one

  7. Misha

    o, i have severe backlash about anything involving oprah, and, to a lesser degree, gwennie. nevertheless, i am considering getting this magical video!

  8. Kelly

    I bought this dvd about a month ago. I sat on the couch and watched it all the way through. “That’s it??!” I thought. I tried to do it for about 5 minutes, then used my toddler as an excuse to stop (what, he WANTED me to stop). Having read your post, I will give it another chance. Dang it.

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