Category: Uncategorized

Open Letter

Dear Boston,

Why are you walking so close to me? It’s just you, and me, and this vast stretch of lonely sidewalk that empties into the horizon. I have my dance space, you have your dance space, and yet you’re always all up in my dance space, Boston. What it is with you? You are walking faster than me, it’s true, but there’s plenty of room for you to pass me. Six feet or more in which to pass. The width of a small football field in which to pass.

And yet, here you are again, half a foot behind me. I cannot see you, though I can feel your hot breath on the back of my neck. Common sense tells me that no one walks this close, in my blind spot, on a virtually empty sidewalk, unless he or she is about to take my purse. But when I stop and turn to the side, forcing you to pass, it startles you. It turns out you were just plodding along, innocently, mere inches from my spine.

I know you don’t mean any harm, and you seem like such a nice city, and you obviously have no designs on my purse, but please stop it. You’re creeping me out.

Sincerely,
Maggie

Overheard: Worries on the Fillmore 22

Scenario: An older man in a fedora has a brief conversation with a tipsy woman who boards and sits next to him.

Him: How you doin’ tonight?

Her: Not so good.

-What’s wrong baby?

-You know, you know, everything just out of control.

-What you mean?

-You hear about these boys? These boys gettin’ killed every day. Twenty of ’em.

-What you talkin’ about?

-These boys on the bus, all of them killed.

-This happen today?

-No! No, long time ago.

-Well, ain’t nothin’ you can do ’bout that.

-I cain’t hardly figure myself out over it.

-You can’t let that get you down, baby. You got to move on.

-I know, but I got so many worries.

-You got to pick your worries.

-Yeah. How you gonna choose, they all over the place like that?

-Listen, why don’t we go get ourselves a beer or somethin’?

-Baby, will you come home with me tonight and keep my company?

-We can talk about that.

-Yeah? Help me out, baby.

-Well, we can talk about it.

-Yeah…

-That sounds very interesting to me, you know?

-Help me out, baby.

-Long as it ain’t gonna be no problem.

-No. No problem.

-That sounds very interesting to me.

Expectation

E: Have you seen Igby Goes Down?

Me: Yeah! I loved that movie.

E: Really? It wasn’t at all what I expected. It was such a downer.

Me: Even with the dancer girl in the super-short skirt?

E: Amanda Peet? Yeah. That was good. Still it was like a 180 degree difference from what I expected.

Me: Yeah. Schindler’s List was like that for me.

E: Really?

Me: No.

It Takes a Village

When a cat misbehaves you squirt a light mist of water in his face so he learns not to do something again. A societal equivalent would be so satisfying. When the girl at the coffee shop orders “a caramel frappucino with semi-dry foam,” you could just tap her on the nose with a rolled up magazine and say, “NO, Tiffany! Bad. NO.”

3:20 p.m.

This morning I saw a shiny penny, head side up, winking in the sun all movie-like. “Pick me up,” it beckoned in its little Abe Lincoln voice. “All the day you’ll have good luck!” But I just left it there. Something’s gonna fall on my head.

10:05 a.m.

So my friend Kristi sent me an URL. “God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.” Finally, a site addressing the self-abuse epidemic. But after poking around a bit, I realized that the site had so much more to offer. As far as I can tell, none of these sites are spoofs. Oh man. Crackpot Jackpot:

  • Biblical action figures.
  • The force is a tool of satan. A Website dedicated to rooting out the evil in the Star Wars series. (Note the fantastic URL.)
  • Virigaurd, a combination athletic support and chastity belt. I highly recommend the Installation and Testimonial links. “When young boys from my congregation come to me with sexual inquiries, I counsel them to let God take care of them. If that doesn’t work, I ask them to try the Purity Athletic Viriguard for a few months. Sometimes they resist at first, but once they get used to it, they become more manageable, attend church more often, and show the signs of improvement you’d expect from those who do not pollute themselves through self-stimulation.
  • Ban breastfeeding! “Women who breast-feed enjoy an erotic experience that offensively imposes oral gratification on innocent infants. This reprehensible act teaches children illicit sex that subsequently manifests promiscuity, homosexuality and addiction to cybersex.”

2:19 p.m.

Walking home from work, I had an absurdity attack as I passed 24-Hour Fitness. The huge windows and frenetic step-class activity combined for the effect of a giant jar full of panicked bugs. The guys running on the treadmill were the bugs that keep climbing up to the top of the jar, falling, then climbing back up again. Glah.

9:27 a.m.

You know what’s not pleasant? Drinking at the water fountain and feeling the stream of water dip when someone flushes the toilet in the bathroom next door.